Going through the motions...

"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something"

I love this song...I love this verse & the ones that follow.  I love how they speak to my heart. At the same time I hate how they speak to my heart & make me realize that this is how I live my life.  I'm just going through the motions....no matter what I do, I just go through the motions.

" 'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life"

It's not okay anymore, I have to be better than just a mom, just a wife, just a daughter, just a friend.  I have to be here.  I have to be present.  Always rushed, upset, anxious, worried about what's next.  What about the right now.  Enjoying the here, enjoying what is going on right now.  Worrying about the right now...just dealing with the right now.  Decision time...big decision, big change.

"I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions"

No more just pictures, just memories of the pictures.  No more too busy to appreciate these beautiful faces.  No more.  Somethings gotta change, even if it hurts...even if I break.  At least I'd feel something...it just wouldn't be the motions.  I'd actually be living.

"No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life"

There maybe regrets, but not all the time.  I'm gonna live each moment to it's fullest.  Going to enjoy each second like it might be my last.  I'm going to appreciate each goofy moment, each new wonder.  I'm going to answer each new question like it's the most important question they've ever asked.  Just being a good mom is not enough.  I have to enjoy it, be thankful for it.  There's too much to lose if I don't.  I don't want to look back & wonder but what if...I want to live knowing that I've given them my all.  I want to live knowing that they had the best of me, not just what was required to be great.

I'm not going to ask what if again...I'm going to know that I gave my all, gave my best.  I'm going to know that I didn't go through the motions, that I lived life & I took whatever it had to give me.  So regardless of whatever else may be going on I'm going to enjoy & relish in park dates, just me & Emily.  I'm going to take in & commit to memory her amazement as she accomplishes a new feat.  I'm going to cherish last minute mask & the must do parades.  They will no longer be chores, but rather a fun event that I will never get to do again.  I am going to commit to memory the excitement of a little boy when he sees his mommy wasn't to busy to make it to the parade.  I'm going to take pictures of us, together, regardless of what I may look like...who cares.  I'm going to take great pride in my efforts to create the most magical moments for my children.  I'm going to remember that spending 15 hours making costumes is not a job or a chore to dread, but rather an act of unconditional love.

Having one child was so much fun & we were buddies.  Then life got in the way & the more children I had being a mother became a job.  It became a chore, a to do list.  It was something that I had to do & I didn't always do it with a smile. No one can ever say that I wasn't a great mom, I've been there every step of the way...loving, supporting, doing whatever needed to be done.  But it's just motions.  In the last month I have started  remembering that being a mom is not a job, not a chore.  It's not something to be dreaded, it's not a to do list.  It's a blessing, a gift.  One that I have taken for granted.  Not anymore, not ever again.  I will steal every kiss, every hug & then steal an extra one.  I will stop & enjoy conversations with my children, even when they are boring.  I will stop & see the world through their little eyes.  I will enjoy & remember each new wonder just as they do.  I will stop going through the motions and start living.

A Day For Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is not till tomorrow, but I know that my day will come & go so quickly that before I get to post my Thanksgiving blog I will be standing in line at Walmart to start my Black Friday shopping.  It was important to me to post this blog.  In the last several years I have found that living a life of thanks has been very difficult for me.  I have seldom thanked God for all that he gives me, even when I fail to ask for what I really need.  I have failed to acknowledge him in the times that he most deserved my praise & thanks.  It makes me sad to think of all the times of thanks I have missed out on because I was always so focused on all that I didn't have or all that was going wrong.  In the last six months or so I have made it my daily mission to live a life of thanks.  To see all that God graces me with daily.  To see all the love that he shows me.  To see the good & acknowledge that even in moments when things are not going the way I want that God does have a plan for me.  It's in those moments that I have to be the most thankful & give the most praise.  My Lord knows me & I know him.  He has plans for me & for my family so far greater than we could ever imagine.  For this I must be the most thankful.  So while I do keep a thankful journal today I want to share some of the stuff that I am most thankful for.

I am thankful for Logan's face.  It is a daily reminder that God does not give us more than we can handle.  His face is my reminder that when I feel I can not accomplish something that it is through God and his strength that I will rise even higher than I could have imagined.  It is through him that I accomplish my greatest moments and for this I am thankful.

I am thankful for Kolby's face.   It is a daily reminder that God still performs miracles & answers our prayers.  His face is my reminder that God is our healer & that nothing is too big for him.  I am reminded that if it is God's plan then it will be accomplished.  I thankful for this knowledge.

I am thankful for Emily's face.  It is a daily reminder that God's plans are often so far better than the plans we set for ourselves.  Her face reminds me that sometimes I have to just say "Yes, Lord...I will follow you & have faith in the path you have set"  It is a reminder that God knows our hearts & he gives us the things that we need even when we fail to ask for them. 

I am thankful for my loving husband Eric.  He is a reminder of God's love for me.  He loves me in such a Graceful way.  He loves me unconditionally.  Even in my worst moments he finds a way to love & to love me fully.  He is my best friend, an amazing father to my children, someone who always believes in me.  When I am wrong he finds the best way to show me another path.  Without him I would be lost & not the person that I am.  As the song goes...God gave me you(Eric) for the ups & downs, God gave me you(Eric) for the days of doubt.  For when I think I've lost my way, There are no words here left to say, It's true...God gave me you(Eric).  I am forever thankful for the love that we share.

I am thankful for my parents.  Another reminder of God's love.  They have loved me and supported me my whole life.  They have lifted me up when I needed it.  They have done the unpopular thing, even at risk of me hating them, because they loved me & knew it was all for the best.  They have taken me places to see things so that I could appreciate God's beauty all the more.  They have taught me life lessons that without them I wouldn't be me.  It is because of my parents that I am the wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter that I am today.  I am thankful for them giving me a sense of who I am & who I wanted to become.

I am thankful for my sister & brother in law.  They are a pure example of God's love for others.  They have been there for us through all of it. Through good times & through bad times.  They have loved my children as if they were there own.  I am grateful to know that if something should ever happen to Eric & I my children would have a loving home.  A home where they would grow in love & know God's love.  For this I am always thankful.

I am thankful for my in laws, the second set of parents God picked for me.  Together we have learned how to become a family & how to love each other.  They have always been here for us, encouraged us, and supported us.  Without them we would not be where we are today.

I am thankful for barking dogs, raindrops on leaves, the colors of the sunset, medical technology, Mrs. Hernandez & Mrs. Gibson.  I am thankful for the pitter patter of little feet & for little hands that hold my face.  I am thankful for thunderstorms, the crashing waves, fish that jump.  I am thankful for all the years I spent with loved ones that are no longer here.  I am thankful for cars that start each morning & for the funds to buy a new car when they didn't start.  I am thankful for the naughty laughter coming from behind the bedroom door, I am thankful for the cries that come two seconds later.  I am thankful for Sunday morning worship at the most amazing Starting Pointe Church.  I am thankful for the new friends that we  have made, I am thankful for the old friends that we are lucky to keep in contact with, & I am so thankful the memories made with friends that we have lost contact with.  I am thankful for my faith & how it sustains me in my moments of need.  I am thankful for The Message & the amazing music it has brought into my heart.  For the plans that God has for me & my ability to trust in them.  For Mrs. Tracy who teaches my little ones week after week about the Lord & his love for them. For the way that she has set their hearts on fire.  For Pastor Jeff who teaches Eric & I week after week & opens our eyes to the Lord & his love for us.  I am thankful for all the churches we tried that just didn't do it for us.  Thankful for my creative side, my writing ability & the fact that I can touch others with this gifts God has given me.  For the bad times that have made me stronger, for the good times that have brought me laughter, for the times that I just thought I would never recover and yet I am here writing this blog. 

My list could go on and on...but, I am most thankful for my Lord & Savior who died so that I may live.  For a Lord who wraps his arms around me & shelters me with his love.  Without him I would be nothing, have nothing.  All things come through him.  He is the Lord who give & takes....and through it all I am called to be thankful.  So I will thankful anyways, so that I may be thankful always. 

Happy Thanksgiving my dear friends.  Here is my Thanksgiving prayer for each one of you.  May you have a wonderful & beautiful Thanksgiving.  May you share your day with friends & family & be surrounded by their love & the love of our Lord.  May you give thanks for all that you have, for all that you do not have, & for all that is yet to come to you!

A Miracle....

...yep a MIRACLE that's what it is.  There's really no other way to explain it...I guess to explain though I have to actually start at the beginning.  Last year when Kolby has his annual (the apt that goes along with his birthday) appointment with Hematology (for his Hemophilia) we discussed why he kept having the same bleed on his forehead.  It had been going on for over a month & he had been infused 3 times in the past 30 days.  We were scared & we had heard some pretty disturbing things.  Kolby's hemophilia up to that point had been mild & was really under control.  Now we had seen several doctors & more than one had thrown around the idea that an inhibitor was developing.  This was not good...it was downright horrible & scary.  The dr. drew some blood & re-ran all his numbers plus some blood work to check for inhibitors.  She also mentioned that the last blood work that had been down was from the previous year when we had done his test for a drug to see how he responded to it & that those numbers had been unexpectedly high, but she was sure it was due to the stress of all day blood draws.  Eric later explained that Kolby had done nothing short of screamed all day long...which would explain higher numbers.  So we had his blood drawn & I put it out of my mind.  The blood was going to 2 different locations & I wouldn't have results for a month.  If I had learned one thing with Kolby & the hemophilia it was to enjoy each day because you never knew if tomorrow something might happen that would change your life.  Well a month later our lives changed in a big way.  I got a call from our nurse and she explained that Kolby's factor numbers indicated that Kolby did not in fact have Hemophilia.  I was stunned, shocked, confused & so many other emotions.  She tried to explain that his initial lab work must have been wrong (all 4 draws done 3 months apart for the first year) and how she was sure that they had a handful of kids who had been misdiagnosed at the same time.  She couldn't explain away all the bleeds that he had been treated for since birth because there was not explanation, at least not one I was buying.  She then said that our dr. wanted to watch Kolby for the next year & for us to keep a journal of all his bleeds for a year & then we would retest & reevaluate what was going on with Kolby, but for sure he didn't have hemophilia.  It was so much to take in & so much uncertainty that we decided to tell our parents, family, & a couple of close friends.  As you may not have realized I haven't posted once this past year about Kolby & hemophilia.  That is because since the time I got that call from our nurse to now Kolby has not exhibited one sign or symptom of any bleeding disorder.  His head healed & since then he hasn't had another thing happen.  Now he has been hurt many, many times as boys his age will do.  His tooth was jarred lose with Logan's foot, almost lost the tooth but as far as bleeding nothing more than a normal kid, maybe less.  He has had his head hit with kick balls & nothing more than a normal knot.  His mouth was completely cut open with a huge hole & it bleed, but still nothing more than one might expect.  His lips been busted,  his nose has bleed...I could go on & on.  The point is things that would have caused us craziness for weeks on end a couple years back were now not needing more than a blink of the eye.  I've gotten to the point that I treat him like any other kid because that's what he has become...any other kid.  But if I'm being truthful Aug was starting and while i should have been pumped up to go & tell the dr what the last year had held for us I was terrified.  I was scared it was all a dream, I was scared she was going to say opps we made a mistake...he has hemophilia because it doesn't go away...NOT EVER!  Eric made me make our appointment after I had put it off for a while.  Well today was the day & although I didn't show concern or fear I was really nervous.  In my heart I know what happened with Kolby, but I didn't want to hear some dr. tell me something else.    We went in & we talked about the past year.  She was very pleased & explained that it's what one would expect with his current factor level...hmmm did she say current?  Yes she did...because next we talked about his levels when he was born & when he was one & when he was 3.  We talked about our past & all the bleeds we had been through...none as major as the one in 2009 that landed him in the hospital for 2 days & 40cc's of blood in his head.  She was honest when she said that she would never say this child didn't have hemophilia.  We had blood work & bleed events to prove it.  Nothing in 4 years indicated that Kolby was misdiagnosed.  But at the same time nothing currently indicated that Kolby still had hemophilia.  She said she would not make excuses, she would not take away what we had been through, she would not give us reasons that didn't seem logical.  She said she didn't know, but sometimes medicine doesn't have the answers and you have to look somewhere else.  She said you just have to be happy with the end results.  I told her I knew what had happened with Kolby & I didn't really care what others thought.  I just cared that he was healed & that he could now live his life as a normal kid.  It was a miracle, we all agreed on that.  So while I haven't really talked about it in the past year, I now feel confident enough to talk about our story.  Often I hear people say God doesn't do miracles anymore, but I know miracles still happen.  They may be small or they may be huge.  It may be making sure you caught a red light so that your family was the car that got hit by the semi or it may be healing a little boy so that he can live a normal life.  We just have to stop & give God the credit for what he has done.  I wasn't sure a year ago that Kolby had been healed...I yelled at my mom when she said that.  My friend mentioned it was a miracle & I told her to stop.  I said it was a medical error that had caused the problem and now we had to figure out what was wrong with him & causing all his bleeds.  I was skeptical & very reserved.  I didn't want to tell anyone or say anything.  I should have been praising God from the rooftops.  I should have been telling everyone I had contact with that God does in fact answer prayers.  I guess when I didn't acknowledge him like I should have he nudged me a little more and gave me a year with no issues and no problems.  He gave me a year where I could not deny what had happened.  He gave me a year to ready my heart so that I could spread his good word.  He gave me a year and now I am ready...miracles do happen.  They happened to us, it happened to Kolby.  I saw a little boy go from bleeding way to easy to being fine.  My little boy was healed by the hand of God.  You may think I am crazy...but trust me my friend, even his dr has said there's not another explanation.  Why should I look for one?

That Something Big....

is finally becoming apparent to me.  A couple of months back I started really researching churches in our area.  As I am really quite embarrassed to admit we hadn't been to church in over a year & really in the couple of years before that only once or twice.  I just wasn't getting anything from church & I was dragging the boys kicking & screaming to sit in a cry room during a mass that I could barely pay attention to because I was dealing with the kids.  Some people hassled me to find a church we liked, while others told me not to worry about it.  They tried to explain that as the kids got older it would be easier to go to church.  The truth is that at first I would use the kids as an excuse, but in reality I just wasn't getting anything out of church.  I was annoyed in a big way.  I could feel something in our lives missing & I couldn't find what I was looking for.  So back to a couple of months ago.  I had been doing a lot of reading & I was listening to a great podcast from a pastor in TX so in a lot of ways I was getting church.  I started to realize that my family on the other hand was not getting what I was getting & it was something that we all needed.  So I started reading websites for all the local churches.  I wasn't going to limit myself to Catholic Churches & I was really going to let God lead me to where he wanted me to be.  I prayed & prayed about it and finally I felt guided to start really looking into churches.  I didn't know what I was doing, I had never done this before.  I figured that if a website turned me off  then most likely I wasn't going to like the church.  If I like the website, I gave the number a call.  I figured if I was totally turned off by the person on the other end of the line then I was most likely not going to like the church.  I did this for a couple of days & finally I found a church.  Starting Pointe Church is a small non denominational church that is held right by our house.  I liked the website, I liked it a whole lot.  I felt pulled to the website, like I had to keep going back and reading the same thing over & over again.  I finally called the pastor, Pastor Jeff.  I don't know what it was, but I felt like I had found a home.  I felt peace talking to him.  I felt God talking to me in my heart.  I knew this was the place that God had been leading me to, but now I had to break the news to Eric.  I wasn't sure how it was going to go over with him.  He's always been pretty darn serious about the fact that we are Catholic & that we are staying Catholic.  I prayed that God would just open his heart & mind to this new experience because I really felt in my heart that this is where God was leading me.  I finally felt ready to tell Eric....& to my surprise he was really, really open to this idea that I had.  He was willing to give it a one time try.  We decided to try this new church on Easter Sunday.  I figured that if I didn't like you on Easter, I wasn't going to like you the rest of the year.  So we told the boys about this new church & I really talked it up to this awesome wonderful place.  Lucky for me, Mrs. Tracy makes it such a place.  And even luckier for me, Easter Sunday was awesome & Eric walked out of there offering to give it 4 more weeks.  What the heck he said, it's a five week sermon series, RIGHT???  My prayers were being answered right before my eyes.  From the moment we had walked in I knew we were finally home.  Maybe it was the lady at the door, who forgive me I can't recall her name, who was so very friendly & welcoming.  Maybe it was Mrs. Tracy who leads the kids church who was so warm & welcoming.  The way she took my children & eased my greatest fears when I mentioned that Logan had ADHD & Aspergers.  She didn't flinch, she didn't seem disturbed...no instead she said don't worry about it, he'll be fine with the most reassuring smile I have ever seen.  Maybe it was Pastor Jeff and the way he shook our hands & welcomed us to his church.  Maybe it was the way Pastor Jeff preached & just how real he really was.  Maybe it was the way that I finally felt like someone wanted to talk to me & not down at me.  I don't know why within minutes of being there I felt like I had finally found a home for our family, but I did & that's what is the most important thing.  I am not going to lie, it was a huge change for us.  I loved it, Eric looked a little disturbed.  I prayed & prayed through that entire service that God would just continue to open his heart & mind to this new experience.  By the time we had left, I knew that we had to come back, I couldn't wait to come back.  We collected our kids & they begged to come back...the very next day.  We explained that we couldn't & only a promise to come back next week settled them down.  It was all coming together.  The next week was just as great, even better.  They remembered our kids, they remembered our names.  They were happy to see us again.  We felt welcomed, like we belonged.  On my birthday, Pastor Jeff remembered it was my birthday & when he wished me a Happy Birthday I knew why I loved this place so much.  So here we are five weeks later & Eric loves it just as much as me.  Okay well maybe he's not as in love with it as I am, but he'll get there.  I can tell that he's getting something out of it & for a man of such little words sometimes he says some pretty interesting things about church & Pastor Jeff.  The kids hearts are on fire for the Lord & they can't get enough.  They are always looking to learn more.  Kolby loves listening to The Message with me on XM & he is always singing the songs that he has learned.  We are going to dedicate Emily to the Lord at the end of July.  I just feel like everything is right, like things are falling into place for us as far as church life is concerned.  I've always considered myself a Christian, but I was always a little jealous of those that were so consumed by their faith.  I am starting to understand what it means to live like Jesus.  I am starting to understand how one's heart can be on fire for the Lord.  My heart is open to the Lord & to what he telling me.  I am listening to him & he is guiding me.  I am following him blindly.  Don't get me wrong, I am so far from perfect & I slip all the time, but I am trying with all my heart to be as the Lord would have me be.  I don't know why he has placed me here at Starting Pointe, but I know that eventually he will show me the rest of his plan.  I do believe that this is just the start & he has so much more in store for me.  I know that if this is just a piece of his plan then the rest must be so much more than I could ever imagine.  He has great things in store for us & just knowing that he loves me & will lead me where he wants me to be is enough to keep me going until he is ready to reveal the rest to me.  I am blessed that we found Starting Pointe & that we now have a home to grow our children & ourselves in the way of the Lord.  We are truly blessed.

Hurt from the Past

While reading a blog today about a young woman's journey with infertiltiy I cried & felt hurt in my heart like I hadn't felt in a long time.  This woman has been unable to concieve & is now in the adoption process.  I pray that God answers her prayers & she is able to start her family sooner than later.  The pain that I felt though was not just a pain for her inability to start the family that she wants, it was a deeper pain that I haven't felt in years.  As I read her words of "why God, why us" I cried, because I too have screamed those words.  I have screamed words much worse than that.  I have prayed till I could no longer pray.  I begged, I pleaded, I even bargined with God.  And then I then I turned my back on him because he obviously wasn't listening to me anyways. I wish I had strength  like this young lady, my journey would have been easier.

I can remember the excitement of being a newly married couple & realizing that we were already expecting.  It had happened so quickly.  I remember being sick & showing.  I remember walking through the mall that horrible day & eating lunch.  I remember the cramping, the back pain.  I remember hearing that it was okay & normal.  I remember sitting on the sofa & feeling a pop.  I remember standing up, thinking I had wet my pants & going to the restroom only to find out that my baby was leaving my body.  I remeber the bright red, the constant flow & screaming in agony because I knew our dreams were shattering right there on the bathroom floor.  I remember sitting in the ER wondering why God was doing this to us.  Why give us this hope & then snatch it away just as quickly.  I remember laying on the hospital bed while the dr did the ultrasound.  I remember seeing my little angle's heartbeat.  There was hope...God had heard me.  I just didn't realize then that he was saying "No, not now. later my child" 7 days later I realized what he was saying.  I remember laying in the drs office & seeing the tears well up in Eric's eyes as he realized that our child was gone, but not really.  I would need a D&C or I could wait.  Waiting was not an option, but the D&C was a terrible thought I could not bear.  Aug 15, 2002, exactly 2 months earlier we had been married, I had the procedure done.  Miscarriage #1

I got pregnant 2 months later & everyone said wow you are so fertile, lucky you  Wow...I had never thought of myself as lucky considering I had lost one child already.  The cramping started earlier this time & so did the bleeding.  The bleeding continued till my 5th month.  The only way I knew I was still pregnant was the crazy amount of morning sickness that I had.  I remember my mom calling daily to make sure that I was sick because it was a good sign.  Luckily I was sick long after Logan started moving because if not I am not sure what I would have done.  I remember never enjoying my pregnancy.  Not one whole day, maybe for a few hours here & there, but never a whole day.  I always feared he would die too, inside of me.  He fell asleep one day for way too long.  I was about 6 months along & I had to go to the drs.  I remember crying the whole way there, I remember Eric crying the whole way there...holding my hand telling me it would be okay.  It was okay...he was just being lazy.  Even the day he was born I was sure something was going to happen to him, that someone was going to take him away from.  They didn't & 8 years later he's still mine. 

No, you never look at pregnancy the same again.  You always hope for the best, prepare for the worst & pray you fall somewhere inbetween.  We starting trying again Jan 2005.  We found out in Feb that I was pregnant.  5 days later I found out that it wasn't meant to be.  I was saddened when I thought of yet another child I would never hold in my arms.  Another child who would never call me mama or know how much I loved & wanted them.  Miscarriage #2 But for all my saddness I was expecting to lose this child.  I figured it had happened the first time it would happen again.  I also expected that now I would get pregnant & things would be okay.  Like with Logan, it made sense right?  In April I found out yet again I was pregnant.  I was sick, but not as bad as with Logan.  I figured that I had payed my dues on morning sickness so it was okay.  By 6 weeks we taught Logan to say I'm going to be a big brother.  On Mother's Day/my birthday we let Logan tell everyone.  I was nearly 7 weeks along.  Things looked like they might just be okay.  Then May 22nd I started bleeding again.  I went to the hospital & they did an ultrasound.  They couldn't see the baby...I must not be as far as I thought.  I was nearly 9 weeks.  The dr said give it a week.  I remember sitting there, feeling the intensive cramps, knowing that it wasn't going to be okay.  On May 25th, Eric's birthday, I had to call  him & ask him to meet me at the hospital.  I had lost the baby, this time my body had kicked it out.  I was at the hospital when Eric got there.  I couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop yelling, couldn't stop saying how sorry I was.  Miscarriage #3...it only gets harder from there.

I was told not to try for a couple of months, I wondered why?  I was sure we would never have another child. I was sure that Logan was going to be the only one.  The things that people say are so mean & cruel & they never know how badly they hurt you.  I heard things like don't worry, you concieve so eaisly.  Imagine if you couldn't even get pregnant how hard that would be?  At least you get pregnant!  Wow, you don't have any problems getting pregnant.  What would you know about infertility?  I wanted to scream at them...what did it matter how often I was pregnant if I never carried the child to term.  I wanted to scream to them, that I would rather never be pregnant than turn another one of my babies over to God.  I couldn't understand how people would be so insensitive...but these weren't just strangers.  This was our family & friends would say things like this.  I couldn't understand how they didn't see that wether I got pregnant or not I was never getting to hold my baby in my arms.  I remember that pain all to clearly.  I remember thinking that I couldn't go on.  I slipped into a pretty intense depression.  I stopped talking to God, he wasn't listening.

Months went by & I didn't concieve.  I didn't understand why?  I just figured it was over, we would never have another child.  I figured that our family was set with just the 3 of us.  I remember the guilt of feeling like it was all my fault.  That I had caused it somehow.  Finally 7 months we found out I was pregnant at the start of Dec.  Christmas Eve that year was terrible, I started to bleed yet again.  I swore I couldn't do it again.  I dropped to my knees & for the first time in months I prayed, I pleaded, I begged just please don't take my baby.  Really after that first incident my pregnancy with Kolby was so smooth.  I didn't enjoy the beginning, but I made myself enjoy the end.  It was my last afterall.  We had figured that we wouldn't have anymore after this.  So one year & 2 miscarriages later I was pregnant with Kolby.  He would join our family in Aug of 2006. 

I had put that fear & pain behind me until I found out I was pregnant with Emily.  She wasn't planned, so I hadn't had the time to prep myself for what might come.  She was totally not expected & in my mind totally unwated.  I hadn't let my mind know what my heart already felt, that I wanted her more than anything else in the world.  When I got over the total shock & terror of having another child I sat down & prayed.  I prayed to God that his will be done, but my Lord please do not place this child inside of me unless you plan to let me have her.  I was terrified for months that I would accept this pregnancy, want this baby girl (not that it had been confirmed, but I knew what my heart was telling me)& then God's will would be to never let me hold her.  To never hear her sweet voice or feel her little hands on my skin.  No I knew I couldn't handle it if this were to be the plan.  I would cry at night, for me, for Eric, for the boys, for the baby I was carrying in my womb, & mostly for the 3 angels that were not with us.  Because Emily was unexpected we heard some pretty interesting things, things that once again hurt deeply.  People actually said well geez you don't have any issues having kids  I wanted to personally grab them & shake them as hard as I could.  Did they not realize that I had already given 3 beautiful babies back to God.  Did they not realize that I was so fearful that I would yet be forced to hand another baby over.  As it was my pregnancy with Emily turned out to be really uneventful.  Sometimes I would be so busy that until she started kicking me I would forget that she was there.  That was it was uneventful until the night she was born.  Emily was born blue.  She was not crying like a new baby should.  I remember thinking that something was not right.  I kept asking is something wrong?  whats wrong?  why isn't she crying , why is she blue?  Her cord had been compressed during delivery & had the dr not been so quick to react, had God not been there watching over us I am not convinced that we would have had the same outcome.  I didn't talk about it after she was born & sometimes people are shocked to  find out that this had happened.  She was okay so quickly afterwards & she did figure out how to use her lungs her so I just never mentioned it, but I do have the pictures (& terrible memories) to show how blue she was. 

It never matters how long it's been or what is going on.  I always feel a deep seated fear that someone is going ot take my children away.  I always want to warn newly pregnant woman that they shouldn't get too attached to the child they are carrying.  I always remember my babies that are not here with me &  I always feel the pain when I hear of someone trying to have children who can't.  I always go back to long ago when I didn't have 3 beautiful children running around the house, driving me crazy.  It's the kind of pain you never forget, you just learn to live with.

Not a good day...

no today has been rough.  It has been trying & left me wondering a whole lot of things.  I have spoken words in anger & not let Christ love shine through my heart.  I am regretful for the things I have said & I know a heart full of regret is not a good place for Christ to dwell.  I have fallen & now I need to pick myself up.  I know that I am disappointed, but I know others are even more so.   I know that Christ calls me to love those that love me & to love those that hate me even more.  I know that I am to love my neighbor as I love myself & today I have not done that.  I need to pray tonight even more so than most nights.  I need to pray for God to guide me & show me how to deal with the situation at hand.  I need to ask him to guide those that I love & to lead them to the places that they need to be.  Tonight I need Christ to cover those I love with his peace & protection.  I need him to show compassion like only he can.  I need him to help those that need him so that they may see the truth & they may begin to forgive themselves.  It will be a long, hard journey...but I know & believe with all my heart that through Christ all things are possible.  I know & believe that even when we don't love ourselves, Christ loves us & wants us to come to him so that he might be able to help us.  I know that even in times when we turn on Christ he does not turn on us.  I know that for some that I love they need to know these things to.  They need to know that although they do not deserve his forgiveness Christ will forgive them if they come to his table & ask.  I need them to start to see that Christ is there even when we haven't asked him to be, even when we think that he has left us all alone.  I know this feeling of worthlessness.  I know how it feels when you think you can't do anything right & that no one can possibly love you.  I have been shown that in reality we are never, ever alone & that Christ never stops loving us.  I need the ones I love to see Christ & feel Christ presence as I have in recent years.  I need them to learn to listen & follow with an open heart & eyes closed. 

I know Christ is protecting you right now & that he is watching out for you.  I hope that you go to him & let him begin to heal you.  I love you & I know that you are strong & you can do this.  All my love always

Hmmm....

Well I was writing something that I have been thinking about for awhile, but when I started it just didn't come out like I wanted it to.  I wasn't able to get across what I wanted to say in a meaningful way.  I wanted people to think about what I was saying & possibly make a change in their own lives.  Today just wasn't that day.  Oh well, it is saved in the draft section & maybe in a couple of days I will be more inspired to return to it.  I do know that I won't post it until it is just right, even if I change it a little at a time.  I wonder if that is what God is doing with me, changing me a little at a time?  He changes me so slowly without me even noticing & then when I finally do notice it is like WoW...I am someone new.  He puts people in my path, both positive & not so positive, & then I have to see the difference between them.  Some of those people wouldn't even realize that I am growing just by knowing them.  That they have made me look at myself & made me want to be a better person.  Sometimes it is because I see the person I want to be in them.  Sometimes it is because I feel like I am looking into a mirror & I don't like what I see.  I know that in the coming months I have some really hard choices to make because I have grown & changed.  I know that I will hurt some people, but I have to do what I know is best.  I know that I can't love the Lord the way that I am meant to if I surround myself with negative forces.  I have to love him completely & as he deserves to be loved.  I feel like I really need to surround myself with positive, pure forces so that I can be open to the Lord's love in my life.  Hatred, anger, gossip, jealousy...these are not the work of the Lord, they are Satan's work & him pulling me towards him.  If someone is bringing these things into my life then I need to be strong enough to walk away from that relationship.  I want to be a better person, but not just better.  I want to be the best me that I can be because if I am not being the best me possible, then I am not being the me that God created.  Here's to change & growth one day at a time.