Yesterday I realized...

...that I was entering my 5th week of homeschooling.  WOW!!!  I hadn't blogged all summer, but that was kind of the plan since I was trying to have fun with the kiddos & I was preparing for a whole new journey.  But...I had planned to blog through my homeschooling journey & now that I'm five weeks in I think I better get started. 

Let me start off by saying that hardly ever do things go as I expect & homeschooling is no different.  The difference is that usually things are much worse than I anticipate & life is seldom easy for me.  Homeschooling has been this amazingly, wonderful, beautiful journey.  It is so blessed by God that I sometimes I look in the mirror & I can't believe that this is me or that I am actually doing this.  Like for instance, it's lunch break right now.  I am sitting at my computer typing my thoughts (while eating some noodles) & the kids are watching a show eating their lunch.  There is no yelling, no screaming, no fighting.  It's just a quiet, peaceful sound.  For the most part this is how our days have been.  Not the watching TV part, but the quiet, peaceful sound part :)  Now, let me say right now, upfront, I am in NO WAY, NO HOW trying to say our days have been perfect.  We have had our ups & downs.  We have had changing it up a bit, changing what we are learning & changing how we are learning for that matter.  BUT...it has all been smooth & much easier than expected. 

For those that read my blog, you know Logan has "those days" where things are difficult.  Well let me confess, I anticipated many of "those days" & even rougher days than that for the first several months while we adjusted.  I expected him to fight me, argue with me, beyond test my limits.  I anticipated that he would tell me how much he hated homeschool and that he wanted to go back to school. (We had previously agreed this wasn't happening) The kid hasn't lived up to the first expectation I had & that is a GIFT FROM GOD!  That is God saying "I told you I would take care of things if you just let me lead".  Logan has been amazing, in fact so good that I can't believe it's my boy most days.  Its such an affirmation that this was the best choice for Logan.  He needed this, he needed homeschool.  He is so not afraid to work & work hard he does.  He just needed to be allowed to work hard the way he works.  I am learning so many new things with him & just seeing him in such a different light that it's blessing me in ways untold.  As for Emily, she is doing amazing.  She is so stinking smart that some days she amazes me in ways that I can't believe.  We really struggled with the homeschooling her vs. putting her in VPK this year.  We made the decision, but then I went back in forth several times in my head & in my heart.  I just worried that I was pushing her too hard by starting Kindergarten when she hadn't been to preschool.  But I heard the voice pushing us in this direction & so I stuck with our initial decision.  (Shh...don't tell, but I still didn't cancel her VPK enrollment until the start of Aug) I am so glad that I listened to the voice because she was so ready for Kindergarten.  She is doing so much, writing so much, reading so much, spelling so math, getting ready to start addition, she's learning all about herself & her community.  Most importantly, she is comprehending everything and retelling to others what she is doing.  It makes my heart smile.  I can't believe how much she is capable of & I know that there is no other way to educate her than to homeschool her.  I know we have made the right decision for both of our children & I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds.  As for Kolby, he's doing great & he's having an awesome year.  He loves his teachers, but then again who doesn't.  Ms. Gibson & Ms. Hernandez, simply put, are the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, God fearing ladies I have ever met within the school system (but also in life).  Trust me when I say, children are blessed by them teaching.  But, it's been hard on Kolby & on me that he's not home with us.  We did a special for 9/11 and I let him stay home with us.  He really flourished in that environment too.  He has asked to stay home this year, but I prayed and I know in my heart that God wants him in school this year.  My plan is to homeschool him next year, but when the time comes I have to have faith that God will tell me where Kolby needs to be, regardless of what Kolby or I think. 

The main thing I have realized this year so far is that I really am capable of doing anything through Christ & that with him I am made strong.  It's hard to believe that I am doing this, but I am & it's working amazingly.  I don't know why I ignored this calling for so many years.  I don't know why I felt so fearful.  I realize that God just kept putting more & more things in place so that I could no longer deny this calling.  I feel at peace with our choices & I feel at peace with who I am right now & who I am becoming.  I realize that all the trails & struggles were preparing us for this moment.  They were preparing Logan so that he would be ready for this.  All the struggles with Logan prepared me to be even more confident in my choices with Emily.  I've always said raising Emily was like raising a female version of Logan.  They are so much alike that it can actually be scary.  In some ways it breaks my heart.  I see how well Emily is doing.  I see how much she is learning, how she is growing & how her confidence is soaring every day.  I know that's because of how she is learning & the way I am approaching her in lessons.  I realize that Logan would have done so well at home from the start.  He should have never entered the school system.  They beat him down, they broke his spirit, they took what could have been amazing and turned it into hurt & sadness.  I see my little girl & I think what he might have been.  I think how sad he must have been in class when he was in trouble, for being himself & for being to smart in a system that can't handle it.  They tore away at him piece by piece & they made him hate school & learning.  They made him think questions weren't okay.  They broke him like no child should be broken by education.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry over these thoughts.  I feel in so many ways like I failed him.  I know that in the end he will be okay.  I know that because he had those really amazing teachers I mentioned above, Ms. Gibson and Ms. Hernandez.  They loved on my boy, they told him he was so smart, that he could do anything.  They built him up with such love & belief that he could do it.  They made him want to learn, made him want to ask questions, made him see being smart was really okay.  They made him understand that being him was also a really good thing.  They helped fix what had been broken.  So I know he'll be okay & I pray that through homeschooling we will help him become all that God wants him to be.  And though our future looks bright, I still have a hard time not looking back and thinking  what if?  But with God we have to keep our eyes forward & on the cross. When we do that we remember that he has always loved us, that he will always love us & that he has the perfect plans for us when we allow him to dream for us. 

While I realize that there were some people out there who doubted my ability to do this & do it successfully, there are also some pretty special people out there who were rooting for me & praying for our success.  The difference between the 2 groups of people, the first group didn't account for God & his calling me to this.  The number one lesson I keep learning over and over again is, if God calls me to something then he is going to qualify me to do it.  That second group of people, well, they kept preaching that lesson to me over & over again.  So here I am, successful because I am being qualified by God who called me here & blessed me for following his path. 

So that's a little bit of the ups.  Tomorrow a little bit of the learning curve that we have experienced &  a whole lot of pictures of what we have been doing.

Walking this journey with Christ by my side,
Andrea

Our Daily Devoitional....

...time has been a little messed up since school started.  I really don't like that we haven't sat down daily and poured into the Word with the kids lately.  It bothers me, but I think what's important is that I realize the issue & fix it as quick as possible.  I decided last week that I would start using a pretty simple devotional in the morning so that we at least were able to do some talking as the day started & not depend on a dinner time devotional at night.  So the main part of making it happen was me rearranging my schedule in the morning so that I sat down during breakfast and did the devotional instead of making lunch.  It was interesting to me how all the devotionals last week were about finding time for God, spreading God's word, having quiet time & so forth.  I had to ask myself who was getting more out of our time together, me or the kids?   The answer was clearly me, but I hope they were benefiting along with me. 

This past Sunday when we went to church we received the weekly devotional packet which turned out to be for The Summit, which is basically a game that reviews current sermons.  They get these packets to study up & go back over what has been taught.  I was so excited to see this coming our way because I knew it gave me 5 days of solid devotionals that could be covered quickly, but would allow me to go deeper than I had last week.  It was basically an answer to my prayer.  While the church devotionals give us different parts to think about, read, live out, pray about & so forth I really like to go over the reading and prepare each days so that I know what I am going to say & talk about.  Basically, I like to sound half intelligent to my children when we are talking about the bible. So yesterday while Emily was in dance for 2 hours I took the time to prepare today's bible notes & what we would be talking about this morning.  Let me just say right now that it will never cease to amaze me how God will take what my children are learning and use it to convict me.  It seems like their studies quickly become my own sometimes & it's only through my preparation to teach them that I see what God has been trying to show me. 

So Day One title "The Not-So-Great Escape"  was all about Jonah.  I love the impact that a very small, 4 chapter book in the bible can have on me.  I love how I knew the story of Jonah & yet yesterday saw it in such a different light & yet today was so convicted by it that I could hardly get out what I was trying to say to the kids.  God was speaking to me today, through my own notes & through the words I was saying to my children.  I could hear him talking through me, to me.  And I have to say, using the story Jonah really makes it hard to not listen :)

 So what do we get from Jonah?  We have to realize that the story of Jonah is really about obedience & that there are 3 ways that we have to be obedient to God.  We show God obedience through our actions, through our words, & through our attitudes.  The book of Jonah also shows us what a loving & merciful God we serve. It shows us that even when we disobey, even though there is consequence for disobedience, God still loves us & upon our repentance He shows us mercy.   The first chapter begins with God telling Jonah to go to Nineveh & to preach.

 

"The word of the LORD came to Jonah son of Amittai: "Get up! Go to the great city of  Nineveh and preach against it, because their wickedness has confronted Me." (Jonah 1:1-2)

 

So Jonah decides that he doesn't want to do what God said, instead he will run away from God.  He boards a boat & God sends a terrible storm his way.   At this point, I write down a question to ask the kids, "Do you really believe that you can run from God?"  Whoa...I had to stop because was I asking the kids or was I asking myself...Can I really run away from God & what he wants me to do?   As the storm continues the crew decides that Jonah must be the cause of the storm so they wake him & ask him what he has done.  He knows that he is the cause of the storm & confesses to the sailors on the boat what he has done.  He is willing to accept his faith & will place  himself in God's hands.

 

"He answered them, "Pick me up and throw me into the sea so it may quiet down for you, for I know that I'm to blame for this violent storm that is against you." (Jonah 1:12)

 

At first the sailors say "No" but then when they realize that they are not getting out of this storm, they toss Jonah overboard & what happens...the sea stops it's raging!  And what do the men do, they fear the LORD even more & offer a sacrifice to him.  And what does the LORD do???

 

"Now the LORD had appointed a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the fish for three days and three nights"  (Jonah 1:17)

 

At this point I highlight the verse & mark my notepad with a star followed by "God saves Jonah's life despite his disobedience.  Why does God do this?? Why is this important??"  Sounded like a good point & good questions to ask.  I wouldn't get the answer till this morning.  The story continues with Jonah inside the belly of the whale & he is praying to God.  And all I could think was how many times do I wait until things are totally out of my control & totally falling apart to pray & ask for God's help?   How many times have I heard him talking to me, telling me what I should be doing & yet it's when I'm finally in the belly of the whale that I start talking to God & really listening to what he has to say.  I mark my notepad again to say "Maybe God puts us in the belly of a whale for a reason.  Maybe God needs us to listen, to show obedience to what he is asking so he puts us in the belly of a whale.  Why do we wait until we are in the belly of a whale to repent & tell God how wrong we are?"   And Jonah does really do like a half hearted repentance, no he goes all out.  He understands that he has messed up, that he has been disobedient & that he deserves what his happening.  He is talking about how he called out & he was drowning & how the water was overtaking him. 

 

Jonah says "...I have been banished from Your sight, yet I will look once more toward Your holy temple." (Jonah 2:4)  and then continues as he prayers from the belly of the whale, "As my life was fading away, I remembered Yahweh.  My prayer came to You, to Your holy temple.  Those who cling to worthless idols forsake faithful love, but as for me, I will sacrifice to You with a voice of thanksgiving.  I will fulfill what I have vowed.  Salvation is from the LORD!" (Jonah 2:7-9)

 

So I ask myself, how often is this me?  How often do I remember God when I really need him?  How often do I really have these nice long discussions of thanksgiving & just pure love & adoration when everything is okay?  I don't even want to really answer that question, lets just say that the number is going to increase.  Now the next major point I wrote for the boys was how God reacted to Jonah & his repentance. 

 

"Then the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land." (Jonah 2:10)

 

There it is, Jonah repented and God forgives.  My notebook was marked with a star & the question "Why do you feel this verse is important?"  The boys & Emily all answered the same SECOND CHANCES.  We all live under grace, because we do have a loving & merciful heavenly father.  It doesn't get much better than that so I'm not sure why I keep trying to run when he's talking to me.  At this point in the story God speaks to Jonah again & this time Jonah decides he better listen.  I don't care how many times I read the story, I always feel like Jonah doesn't really want to go to Nineveh but instead goes because he doesn't want to face God's wrath.  So I mark this part & mark my notes again with a star.  I ask "Do you think Jonah really wanted to go or do you think he went because he knew he had to go?  How was his attitude?  How often do you do something even when you don't want to because you know you have to?  How was your attitude during these circumstances?  Do you think we are honoring God when we have a nasty attitude about doing things that he wants us to do?"  Let's just say that the kids didn't have so much to say at this point of our lesson & I was having a hard time talking about it.  Maybe I needed to pull a plank out of my own eye before I started pulling splinters out of theirs???

 

So to finish up this story Jonah goes to Nineveh, just as God had commanded him.  He preaches that in 40 days the city would be demolished.  Then he waits.  God's mercy is shown in the next verses.  It talks about the king & how he issues a decree stating that the people & their animals must fast.  And they must turn from their evil ways & pray to God, in hopes that God would change his mind.  And what does the story tell us happened?

 

"Then God saw their actions- that they had turned from their evil ways- so God relented from the disaster He had threatened to do to them.  And he did not do it." (Jonah 3:10)

 

I know I serve a loving God, a forgiving God, a merciful God & yet it stops me in my tracks.  I'm here breaking it apart to teach my kids & I'm writing down "What does this show us about God?" & I'm going Whoa Andrea...what does this show you about God?  God loves us so much & even when he puts us in the belly of a whale he wants to help us out & help us accomplish what he is asking us to do because he has a greater plan.  We don't know God's plan for us & we surely are not going to figure it out by ignoring him every time he ask us to do something.  God's plans are greater than we can imagine, so really there's no use in doing what he ask with a negative attitude.  God's not going to have us do something that isn't going to better His Kingdom & really aren't we here to better His Kingdom?  It becomes obvious that Jonah does not see how he has played into God's plan because he basically stomps out of the city pouting & complaining about God & what he has asked Jonah to do.  Jonah tells God, but this is why I didn't want to come, I knew you were going to do this because this is who you are. Jonah tells him that it would have been better if he had let him die.  And God ask a very important question.

 

"The LORD asked, "Is it right for you to be angry?" (Jonah 4:4)

 

Oh boy, Is it ever right for us to be angry when God ask us to do something? I had to take a deep breath, not as I wrote out the question but rather as I asked my kids the question.  I didn't let them answer right away, although their little hands shot straight up.  I made them wait to hear the very end of the story.  You see Jonah stomps off & goes to watch what happens to the city.  He finds a nice place, out of the sun to sit.  God makes a plant grow that gives him shade & Jonah is happy with this.  The next day, God commands a worm to eat the plant & and then makes it so hot that Jonah almost faints.  Jonah again screams at God that it would have been better if he had died.  The next few verses end the book and they go as follows:

 

"Then God asked Jonah, 'Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?' 'Yes' he replied.  'It is right.  I'm angry enough to die!'  So the LORD said, 'You cared about the plant, which you did not labor over and did not grow.  It appeared in a night and perished in a night.  Should I not care about the great city of Nineveh, which has more than 120,000 people who cannot distinguish between their right and their left, as well as many animals?" (Jonah 4:9-11)

 

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.  Yep, it hurt when I thought about it. When God ask us to do something, it's for the betterment of His Kingdom.  When we don't do it, when grumble about doing, or we do it half way with lousy attitude we are telling God that we are more important than His Kingdom and the betterment of it.  Yeah...OUCH!   How can we ever feel that we are more important than the whole?  And when we feel that way & we start to think of ourselves & not the whole then we are not living the way God intended us to live. 

 

And how does it all get back to me & the lesson that I learned while preparing the lesson I thought my kids needed to learn???  Well, you see God made me a writer.  He gave me a talent & he's been calling me to get on here for a long time & to write.  Not to just write what I would like to write, but rather write what he's leading me to write.  You see, sometimes I'm driving & sometimes I'm in the shower & sometimes I'm on Facebook and the words just come to me.  The words are in my head & I can hear what I need to be typing.  The problem is that I don't type or if I do type I don't finish what I am typing.  I just don't do it because it's not perfect or I don't have the time.  And then I tell myself that I'm not really versed enough to write about God or I'm not really reaching anyone so why does it matter if I write.  So I don't write & then I wake up at night with words & more words & more words.  And I do devotionals about following God & doing what he says with my kids & my heart is convicted because I know God is talking to me through their studies.  So here I am, at my computer with the story of Jonah, 4 Chapters & maybe 44 verses, that made me listen to God & what he's saying.  I'm not sure how God's going to use me, but I am sure that he wants me to write.  Maybe no one will read & maybe this isn't going to turn out how I think.  Maybe this is just one more lesson in obedience through my words, through my actions, & through my attitude.  Maybe this is just one more way he's making me into who he wants me to be.  I really don't know what it's all for, but I do know that I'm no longer willing to tell God that I'm more important than His Kingdom.  So from no on, I will write my blog & if it's not perfect (which it won't be) then I'll have to say okay.  And if not a single person reads it, then I'll have to say okay.  And if I don't have time, then I'm busier than God intended so then I'll make time.  That's all I can do & pray that through writing I will bring glory to Him & better His Kingdom!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday's

I've been laying in bed for the past half hour pretending to sleep.  Emily left to go "see what the brothers are doing" and she never leaves quietly.  No she leaves with those soft little hands first rubbing my arm & then the side of my face.  She gets up close and whispers "momma, momma" I open my eyes a bit & then she kisses me, first on the cheek, then on my lips.  Now we do nosy, nosy & some sort of  half awake/half asleep butterfly kisses.  Finally she whispers "I love you momma, now I go see what the brothers are doing." I say okay and close my eyes.  I can't help but wonder if she thinks whispering keeps me from being completely awake or what, but somehow it just seems sweet at the moment that she so tries to be nice during our morning routine.  So as I lay there, door closing, eyes still shut, hearing the noise on the monitor that sits beside my bed I think...Monday, really?  You couldn't wait to come for a few more hours?  I think how I would like to sleep just once till the alarm went off, but then I remember I am a mom & I don't have that luxury just yet. The last 30 minutes before the alarm goes off is spent with the day's events starting to play out in my head.  How they will go & when I will do what.  It's a busy Monday, but then again aren't they all.  Only 2 days of school left & I vow on Wednesday I will sleep till the alarm goes off.  I start to let the day get me down before it begins & then I hear Kolby's voice & I suddenly remember the funniest thing I had read last week " I am thankful that double ee always says E"  and suddenly a smile comes to my face, because really how could a mommy not smile at that.  I start to think of a kind teacher who helped cultivate the gift of joy this school year by helping my little guy keep a Grateful Journal (although I have always suspected she didn't know the true joy of giving Thanks).  I think of how much joy I found in reading his journal & all that he gave thanks for.  I think of how he told me it was a grateful journal, but he went ahead and wrote thankful because he was giving God thanks...just don't tell his teacher that.  Yes, that brought a smile to me face for sure.  It's in those moments that I realize that if I don't do another thing right in this life, I know I've at least brought 3 precious children to love & know the Lord.  I start to think that yes, it's Monday...AGAIN & yes my day will be crazy busy at best, but surely somewhat chaotic if it happens like it normally does.  But it's okay because I have much to be thankful for.  So I grab my pink little notebook that has gold circles on it (they remind me of my beloved sister, Felicia, who loves gold although I dislike it greatly) and I write the date & begin today's list of giving thanks.

46. The smell of my love on his pillow
47. My sweet baby's voice first thing in the morning
48. Soft baby hands on my face
49. Kisses from my baby girl
50. Nosy, nosy
51. Butterfly kisses while I'm still half asleep
52. The morning sun coming through the window all to early on Monday morning
53. The sound of my children playing together
54. A big brother taking care of his siblings
55. Alarm clocks that never go off
56. My baby boy's Grateful Journal
57. And the teacher who helped him keep it all year long
58. That double ee always says E ( I mean why not, it makes life easier right?)
59. For the sound of my coffee pot making me coffee & the smell that tells me it's almost done
60. For the chaos that my life is
61. And the faith in God that lets me know it's all okay
62. For 3 beautiful children that all love the Lord
63. For Good Day Girls & the wonderful insight those ladies bring to my life
64. Anything by Jennie Allen
65. My quiet time with the Lord, to ponder & think & learn & just be still

My list will go on today & tomorrow there will be more.  I've found that making my list just helps me stay calm in the stress that life is.  It helps me realize that God made me promises and that all things can be made good in HIM, who loves me.  At the start of my list, I first listed Ann Voskamp & her website A Holy Experience (the link can be found below) because if not for her I wouldn't be making list & my life just wouldn't be the same.  So thank you Ann & thank you for bringing me closer to HIM.



Today I am linking up with Ann Voskamp at a holy experience.  Please check out her blog & the blogs of other ladies that linked up with her today.  You will surely be blessed by what you read.  Thank you for reading & have a Blessed Monday!

Running & Hiding from the Almighty....

it just doesn't seem to make sense & yet so many of us often try.  While I was reading my devotional, Devotions for the God Girl: A 365 Day Journey, this morning (which is pretty awesome despite the fact that it's for teen girls) I found myself writing a blog in my devotional journal.  Of course God comes to me & convicts my heart when I refuse to do what he is telling me to do (that's for another post) hence my attempt at running & hiding!  Today's scripture took me back to the start of things, I mean literally, the Garden of Eden with Adam & Eve.  Honestly, how much farther back in time can one go???

          Then the man and his wife heard the sound of LORD God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and they hid themselves from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.  So the LORD   God  called out to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said,  "I heard You in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid." Then He asked, "Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"  

          ~ Genesis 3:8-11 (HCSB)

So the story continues as we know, Adam is confronted for what he had done wrong, he throws Eve under the bus pretty quickly & Eve proceeds to throw the serpent under the bus even quicker.  Not once do Adam & Eve consider saying "Okay so maybe I was a  little guilty in all of this." No, in the garden at the point that they were caught they didn't see responsibility as an option.

Blame shifting. Being a Victim. Denial of guilt. Running. Hiding.  FEAR...of punishment, rejection, disappointment of a parent, loss of everything.  JUST PLAIN FEAR.  All the emotions & things we experience today were being experienced right there in the garden right before God.  None of what we go through, none of this, nothing that we do is ever going to be new to an Almighty, All knowing God. NONE OF IT, NOT EVER!  

Today we don't have a little serpent sliding on it's belly telling us to eat the forbidden fruit so that we can have the power of knowledge.  To be honest, I don't know if I would have been as trusting as Eve was, but in her defense she only knew good & I've had the benefit of experiencing the power of evil.  But yet, I understand her trust & desire to want to know it all, to control it all, to have that mighty power that was dangled before her.  For Christians living in today's world, society is our serpent.  It dangles sin right before us day in & day out. It entices us in ways that we don't even realize sometimes until it's too late.  Wealth. Power. Control. Good looks. Nice bodies.  Sex appeal.  Big houses. Fancy Cars. Exotic Vacations.  Anything that spells I AM SUCCESSFUL!  I mean who doesn't want those things?  Society says these things give us RESPECT, ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL.  That's what society says...it doesn't matter if it takes time from our spouse, our children, our causes, our church life, or even from God.  We get caught up in this life, in what society says is important and before we know it these things have become our God, our IDOLS!  Idolatry is when you make something more important that God & when life's activities start to take away your time with God you are worshiping at the alter of an idol.  

For me, I personally focus on the home & my family.  I do it because I strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but I'm not perfect & I eventually slip in my chores or the family activities that I wish we were doing.  When I realize that I've slipped I become super obsessed with the chores, the activities & I forget why I am doing it. I forget my pursuit of being a Proverbs 31 wife & mother.  I forget that in all things I need to bring glory to God.  When I become a crazy woman who is cleaning all day & making the "perfect" home so that my husband can be happy & my kids can be glad to call me mommy, but I neglect to find time to read my bible & do studies with my kids I am really worshiping at the idol of acceptance.  When I plan activities that are fun for my family & I post to social media sights so that the world can see what we are doing, I am worshiping at the idol of acceptance. When I look at some one else's life & say "Ugh...I wish that was us" I am worshiping at the idol of envy.  When I make list & list & plot out our days without accepting that things may change & not go as planned, I am worshiping at the idol of control.  Obviously, I am not saying that these things are bad in nature, I am saying when I put them before God, before the time I spend with him everyday, before my family then I make them bad.  When I do things so that others will say "Wow, that's awesome"  then I have done whatever I am doing for all the wrong reasons.  I think we all do this from time to time.  We slip & fall into the trap that the serpent dangles before us. We let our quiet time with Lord get pushed aside or spend less time in his word daily.  When we do this it allows for evil to get into our minds & hearts just a little bit easier.  

Once we realize what we have done, we tend to fight taking responsibility for our sin. We run & we try to hide from God. LIKE WE COULD EVER REALLY HIDE FROM GOD??? We pretend He didn't see.  We tell ourselves, "Maybe He doesn't know!"  YEAH RIGHT, LIKE GOD DOESN'T REALLY KNOW OUR HEARTS???   So finally we hear Him calling us and we know that we have to go to him.  So we go and we try to convince Him that it wasn't our fault.  Someone else made us do it, we just didn't know what would happen, we didn't realize that it was wrong.  Whatever we tell Him, we push the blame somewhere else.  It's hard to admit when we are wrong.  It's hard to know that someone paid the price for your sin with HIS blood.  When you really think about it, step by step, how Jesus paid the price for us & yet we sin & sin & sin...I am guilty & I feel bad.  It makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes rejoice to know that I can go confess my sins & be free to try & live a better life.  I know I am going to sin, God knows that I am going to sin.  What I have to do is run to God & immediately confess my sin.  I have to get on my knees, repent & ask forgiveness.  I have to ask for strength to fight the serpent that dangles sin right in front of me. 

We all have weakness, we all have our crosses to bear.  It's our daily battle that we have to fight.  The good news is that we don't have to fight it alone.  And even though we don't have the strength to fight, our Lord & Savior will be strong enough for us.  

         "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness, so that Christ's power may reside in me.  So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (HCSB)

So we must stop running & hiding & shifting blame & fearing the worst.  We need to let it go by running to our loving Savior, confess our sins & take responsibility for our actions.  It's through our confession of sins that we are free from them.  He paid our ransom.  Our debts have been cleared, wiped clean.  We don't need to run & hide anymore.  We need to surrender our lives to the Lord, be responsible for the choices we make, hold those choices up this HIS word and make sure they align, we need to bring glory to his name in all we do.  We need to admit that our lives belong to someone other than ourselves, they belong to God & WE NEED TO LIVE SECOND!

Some days are just like that, even in Australia

It never has surprised me that one of Logan's most favorite books is Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.  I mean he can so totally relate to Alexander & how some days nothing seems to go right.   For Logan, yesterday was one of those days.  It was just really a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY!  It was a day that tore at him & left him so sad, so confused, & so anxious that he had a hard time even playing.  It was a day that tore my heart right out of my chest.  It was the kind of day that you would give anything to make it better for your child & and no matter what you say or what you do it's not going to get better.  It was the kind of day that we have been having more & more of lately.  I don't often talk about it with people outside of my very close circle of support because I don't want the judgement or the opinions that come with it.  I don't talk about it because honestly I don't feel it's anyone's business what goes on in our house or with our family.  But the fact is that last night while I was laying in my bed long after midnight I was thinking of the words that I could use to blog about the day.  Usually when I am laying in bed & my head is typing a blog it's God putting the words on my heart.  It's God saying you need to share this because it's important.  So while I don't usually share these types of days, I feel compelled to share.  I'll leave it up to God to handle the judgement & opinions...he obviously felt it was worth it.

Yesterday started with us picking up the boys for church. It was their first time going to Grace Family Church, which they loved by the way.  I thought Logan would be overwhelmed by all the people and the way kids church was ran, but he came out begging to go back & said he loved it..."even the really loud music mom"   Maybe in the grand scheme of things he was a little overwhelmed & I just didn't pick up on it.  We went back to my mom's house & the boys were playing for a bit.  Finally my sister & Justin arrived and the kids were so excited to see them (because of course they hadn't seen them in like a whole 18 hours).  The boys went outside to play with Justin, my dad, & Eric.  Well here's where the anxiety kicked in & from this point forward the day was just painful for anyone who was watching.  My parents back yard is flooded about 1/2 of the way to the deck, so if you know the back yard that's a pretty good amount of playing area.  The water isn't super deep but it is swamp water from the forest and it's murky.  Diesel, my parents dog, started running through the water & the boys were laughing & having a good time.  Logan threw the ball at Eric who threw the ball back at Logan who ducked and the ball landed in the water.  Oh my, end of the world one.  Logan comes inside crying, I mean sobbing hysterically like he's hurt or something.  He can't understand why Eric threw the ball in the water.   I try to explain that Eric didn't do this on purpose.  Logan doesn't get it.  Come to find out, the other guys laughed at the whole thing which made Logan even more embarrassed that his ball was in the water.  Let's be real here, it's funny.  Plain & simple...the guys are playing, ball goes in water, any other kid goes into the water and grabs the ball & keeps playing.  Heck, any other kid might just laugh too!  Well not Logan because he doesn't get what's funny & he doesn't get that they are laughing with him.  He is 100% sure that they are laughing at him.  I let him cry it out, sometimes that's all I can do.  I try to explain again, but it's just making things worse.  I hug him, hold him, love him, he runs away into the other room.  Maybe 10minutes later he comes out ready to go back outside to play.  The problem is that now we all understand that he's on edge & to say that we should walk on eggshells to prevent the next episode is an understatement.  And in reality you can't always walk on eggshells because that's not how life goes when you are a bunch of guys playing around & we aren't doing Logan any favors when we do walk on eggshells.  He has to learn to read these cues, to understand that people laugh with you & not at you when they are your friends.  It's okay to joke around that's how guys hang out & communicate.  I always think it must be extra hard to be Logan because he just doesn't get how guys do things & he's growing into a guy.  To make the long day shorter for you let me give you the brief overview.  The crying, sobbing, hysterical fits got more often & all of us could sense his great pain & frustration.  He couldn't calm himself down, but he didn't want to stop playing so he would stop crying, return to playing & return to crying.    The anxiety built up so much that Logan decided that my dad was trying to throw him in the water so he wouldn't leave the deck.  We tried to explain that it was okay.  My dad showed Logan how he would "pretend" to throw him in the water by swinging Kolby over the water.  This freaked Logan out so much & he started shaking & crying all over again.  When I explained that it was okay, they were just joking around Logan looked at me & as seriously as he could through all his tears said "it's not funny at all, what if his hands slip and he drops him?"  I told him it was okay, I mean that's all I can do as a parent.  I can reassure him over & over & over & over again that it's OKAY!  The hard part is that he just doesn't get it.  He finally calmed down a bit, went downstairs to wash his feet & thought he would squirt my dad with water.  My dad played back & acted all mad.  It was obvious that he was playing around with Logan, but Logan didn't understand.  He freaked out & his anxiety hit it's peak.  He was screaming & crying & shaking & running from my dad.  Logan went and hid in the trailer & was just shaking there.  Eric finally went down & got him. We got Logan in the shower & he calmed down a bit.  The shower, oh how it is a magical calm down place for Logan.  He was so over done that he couldn't go to sleep.  His eyes were bright red, he read a whole book & finally sometime after midnight he fell asleep.  I'm sure that I fell asleep much later than him as I laid in bed & recounted our day.  

The hard part is that for so long now Logan has just seemed so normal.  I mean we know that he's ASD & we accept that, but for a while it's been hard to convince others that it's the right diagnosis.  I know that we have always been told that the older he got the harder social things would be for him.  I always felt like school was our biggest issue so once we started doing well there...well I guess I thought we were kind of out of the rough patch.  I've spent a good portion of  the summer in denial about Logan & the changes that I was seeing.  He has become super OCD about certain things again & following rules has once again become an overwhelming issue.  Hahaha....how many parents complain because their child has an overwhelming issue with the rules...I mean he follows them to a tee & there is no bending them a bit, including anyone who actually lives in the world.  Routine & transition are becoming issues again.  Not to the extent that we have seen in the past, but you can tell his anxiety level rise whenever something new or out of the norm occurs.  Meltdowns are on the rise & this time around they are wherever we happen to be.  For us this is a new issue.  We didn't deal with public meltdowns last time around so this is a whole new ball game for me.  Being that I have some rage issues myself it's really hard when Logan is melting down in public & people decide to stare or make comments.  I have to keep my temper under control because if not I'm not teaching Logan the right thing.  His meltdowns are also more violent than ever before & they are always geared towards me.   While I am honored that he feels that safe with me to let it all out, I wish he had a different way of expressing his love for me!  And finally I would have to be blind if I didn't notice just how hard social cues and situations are becoming for him.  Sometimes I catch the look of confusion on his face & I can help him out without making it obvious.  Sometimes it becomes too much too quickly & I can't save him from the situation.  I try to explain things, but you have to be in a situation for the learning experience to occur.  Sometimes that's just  to late.  The pain & frustration for Logan is inevitable. My heart being ripped out is inevitable.  I hate this leaning process for all of us.  I hate learning that I can't save him from what is going to become a very cruel world.

The good news is that we have made some major progress with Logan this summer.  For as hard as it has been & for as hard as it is going to get, I can smile & know that my little guy has made some great growth this summer.  He is getting more mature & learning to make better choices.  He is learning that his number one choice will always be between his emotions controlling him or he controlling his emotions.  He is learning to accept fault & apologize for his actions.  He is learning to control his impulses & to be better organized.  He has come off of another part of his ADHD meds & is doing awesome in school.  Most of all he is learning that sometimes he has to ask for help.  This is huge for Logan.  It's his biggest accomplishment this summer.  In my eyes it shows the biggest growth in maturity.  We still have a way to go & I worry constantly about what the next couple of years will bring.  I love my little guy & his heart is so darn big.  It makes me cry to see him though because he's the type of kid that's going to get picked on & kids are going to bully him.   I know the years ahead are going to be tough & I am just so thankful that he has found a good, strong group of friends.  I hope that they will stick it out together & be there for each other when it gets tougher.  I hope that Logan remembers that he is wonderfully made & on the path that the Lord has set for him.  I pray he always remembers that Jesus is walking with him & that all he has to do is ask for help & strength & he will receive it. I pray that I am strong enough to get him through those years when a mommy can't fix everything and heart ache is so very painful.  I hope that my love & the love of the Lord will always be enough for him.

It's hard being the mother of any child, but when your child is on the spectrum it doubles & sometimes triples in hardness.  Sometimes when I hear people in the community say that verbal Autistic's & High Functioning Autistic's shouldn't be on the same spectrum I cringe.  I get in arguments, but it's not worth it.  My child may be verbal & he may be super High Functioning, but trust me that doesn't mean that he can communicate easily.  It doesn't mean that every aspect of his life is on the high end of the spectrum.  It doesn't mean that our life is easier than others.  We all have struggles & all of our children have gifts & they all have challenges. It's never an easy road & I've understood that for a while now.  I know our journey with Logan is just beginning & I wish I could say it was going to get easier.  It's probably not, it's most likely going to have it's ups & downs & retraining & behavior modifications just like the past.  I guess maybe that's why I shared our day with you, because I wanted you to understand what it's really about.  Being on the spectrum isn't always what it seems & the children don't always look like what you expect.  So next time someone tells you their child is on the spectrum offer compassion, offer friendship, offer a shoulder and remember Logan, what he seems like on a good day & what he can be like on an off day.  

The woman I want to be....

instead of the woman that I am is a very pressing issue in my life right now.  It seems so odd to me that at 32 years old I am still struggling with who I am.  I always thought that by now I would know who I was & would have made a strong statement about myself.  Instead I find that at 32 I know who I want to be, I just struggle to get there.  In my early 20's when I got married & had Logan I thought I knew who I wanted to be.  I knew that I was strong & independent.  I actually did make a pretty loud statement in my house about the woman that I was and intended to be.  I'm actually really embarrassed by that woman & by the fact that I thought it was acceptable.  I know more than once I stepped way out of line & hurt my husband to prove to him that I didn't really need him.  I seldom acknowledged that I loved him dearly & that I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  Looking back now, I don't understand how he stuck around.  I was a stay at home mom who didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't grocery shop, didn't pay bills, didn't wash clothes or dishes and once my husband got home from work I didn't take care of the baby either.  WOW...that's so embarrassing.  By the time Kolby came along I might have started doing some of this stuff, but not much & not all the time.  Besides that I was always stepping on my husbands toes & making sure he knew just where he was on my list...sadly it was not super high where he belonged.  I was probably one of the worst wives ever.  I wish I could say that our marriage didn't suffer, but that would be a lie.  I mean honestly who wants to be treated that way & live that life?   Life got rocky for me after my grandmother passed away & I saw this side to my loving husband that was so new and amazing to me.  The year kept getting rockier for us as my oldest son started to have some real issues at school & at home.  My mom was sick that summer & by the end of the year I was going through some major medical  test not sure what the outcome would be.  My husband was amazing & was so supportive.  I realized I had this amazing new found love for  him & I really wanted to be a better wife.  I wanted to be the wife that he deserved.  I started doing more things around the house & trying to be nicer to him.  Overall it was a good attempt at being better, but I wasn't getting to where I wanted to be.  I don't think that I even realized who I wanted to be because I felt like I would have to give up who I was to get there.

 After a long journey that God has taken me on I have figured out that I want to be that Proverbs 31 Woman.  I want to be her, I need to be her.  I recently started reading a book called The Proverbs 31 Woman: One Virtue At A Time by Courtney Joseph.  I have always enjoyed reading Courtney's blog Women Living Well & it has really helped me realize the woman & wife that I want to be.  Between her blog & now this book my eyes have been opened & I finally feel like I have an end to work towards in this journey of the woman I want to be.

 Today the reading was about the trust that a husband has for his wife.  In Proverbs 31:11 it says The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain (ESV)   In the book Courtney says " A husband who has a wife who is solid emotionally and spiritually can rest on his wife's steady support."  She goes on to ask if your husband can trust you in these areas:

1. Money - Can he depend on you to spend it wisely?
2. Children - Can he trust you to train your children wisely?
3. Home - Can he trust you to run an orderly home?
4. Reputation - Can he trust you to not speak poorly of him behind his back?
5. Faithfulness - Can your husband trust you to not build emotional connections with other men?
6. Emotions - Can your husband trust you to be self - controlled when under pressure?
7. Choices - Can your husband trust you to make wise choices when urgent situations arise?

I had to really sit & think about these questions.  When we answer them for others we can say & possibly believe whatever we want.  But when it's just you & God having the discussion there's no purpose in being anything other than truthful.  I mean he already knows the truth...there's really no lying to God.   So while some of these are very simple to answer, Yes my husband can trust me 100%  there are others that I know need work.  I know that I need to change & work harder on being more trustworthy.  And while some of the things I need to work on I already pray about daily, some of the others I need to work on hadn't even crossed my mind.  I think we all get stuck in this journey & if we aren't walking with the Lord & following his word then we get stuck until we ask for his help.  I know I spent a lot of time this morning letting my guard down & asking for help.  I desperately want to be this woman, I want to be this wife. I want to know that my husband has full trust for me in his heart & knows that he can rest on my solid support.  And I cried out to the Lord to help me accomplish this.  The good news is that I felt so much better & I know that God can change me & God can change my heart.  He loves the impossible & he loves me.  I am so ready for this journey & I am so ready for this transformation, regardless of how hard or painful it may be.  And the even better news is that I know this journey I'm walking, I'm never walking it alone.   How awesome is that?

I hope you have a Wonderful Wednesday & if you want to check out the blog that inspires me daily go ahead and click the link below.

A Day For Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is not till tomorrow, but I know that my day will come & go so quickly that before I get to post my Thanksgiving blog I will be standing in line at Walmart to start my Black Friday shopping.  It was important to me to post this blog.  In the last several years I have found that living a life of thanks has been very difficult for me.  I have seldom thanked God for all that he gives me, even when I fail to ask for what I really need.  I have failed to acknowledge him in the times that he most deserved my praise & thanks.  It makes me sad to think of all the times of thanks I have missed out on because I was always so focused on all that I didn't have or all that was going wrong.  In the last six months or so I have made it my daily mission to live a life of thanks.  To see all that God graces me with daily.  To see all the love that he shows me.  To see the good & acknowledge that even in moments when things are not going the way I want that God does have a plan for me.  It's in those moments that I have to be the most thankful & give the most praise.  My Lord knows me & I know him.  He has plans for me & for my family so far greater than we could ever imagine.  For this I must be the most thankful.  So while I do keep a thankful journal today I want to share some of the stuff that I am most thankful for.

I am thankful for Logan's face.  It is a daily reminder that God does not give us more than we can handle.  His face is my reminder that when I feel I can not accomplish something that it is through God and his strength that I will rise even higher than I could have imagined.  It is through him that I accomplish my greatest moments and for this I am thankful.

I am thankful for Kolby's face.   It is a daily reminder that God still performs miracles & answers our prayers.  His face is my reminder that God is our healer & that nothing is too big for him.  I am reminded that if it is God's plan then it will be accomplished.  I thankful for this knowledge.

I am thankful for Emily's face.  It is a daily reminder that God's plans are often so far better than the plans we set for ourselves.  Her face reminds me that sometimes I have to just say "Yes, Lord...I will follow you & have faith in the path you have set"  It is a reminder that God knows our hearts & he gives us the things that we need even when we fail to ask for them. 

I am thankful for my loving husband Eric.  He is a reminder of God's love for me.  He loves me in such a Graceful way.  He loves me unconditionally.  Even in my worst moments he finds a way to love & to love me fully.  He is my best friend, an amazing father to my children, someone who always believes in me.  When I am wrong he finds the best way to show me another path.  Without him I would be lost & not the person that I am.  As the song goes...God gave me you(Eric) for the ups & downs, God gave me you(Eric) for the days of doubt.  For when I think I've lost my way, There are no words here left to say, It's true...God gave me you(Eric).  I am forever thankful for the love that we share.

I am thankful for my parents.  Another reminder of God's love.  They have loved me and supported me my whole life.  They have lifted me up when I needed it.  They have done the unpopular thing, even at risk of me hating them, because they loved me & knew it was all for the best.  They have taken me places to see things so that I could appreciate God's beauty all the more.  They have taught me life lessons that without them I wouldn't be me.  It is because of my parents that I am the wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter that I am today.  I am thankful for them giving me a sense of who I am & who I wanted to become.

I am thankful for my sister & brother in law.  They are a pure example of God's love for others.  They have been there for us through all of it. Through good times & through bad times.  They have loved my children as if they were there own.  I am grateful to know that if something should ever happen to Eric & I my children would have a loving home.  A home where they would grow in love & know God's love.  For this I am always thankful.

I am thankful for my in laws, the second set of parents God picked for me.  Together we have learned how to become a family & how to love each other.  They have always been here for us, encouraged us, and supported us.  Without them we would not be where we are today.

I am thankful for barking dogs, raindrops on leaves, the colors of the sunset, medical technology, Mrs. Hernandez & Mrs. Gibson.  I am thankful for the pitter patter of little feet & for little hands that hold my face.  I am thankful for thunderstorms, the crashing waves, fish that jump.  I am thankful for all the years I spent with loved ones that are no longer here.  I am thankful for cars that start each morning & for the funds to buy a new car when they didn't start.  I am thankful for the naughty laughter coming from behind the bedroom door, I am thankful for the cries that come two seconds later.  I am thankful for Sunday morning worship at the most amazing Starting Pointe Church.  I am thankful for the new friends that we  have made, I am thankful for the old friends that we are lucky to keep in contact with, & I am so thankful the memories made with friends that we have lost contact with.  I am thankful for my faith & how it sustains me in my moments of need.  I am thankful for The Message & the amazing music it has brought into my heart.  For the plans that God has for me & my ability to trust in them.  For Mrs. Tracy who teaches my little ones week after week about the Lord & his love for them. For the way that she has set their hearts on fire.  For Pastor Jeff who teaches Eric & I week after week & opens our eyes to the Lord & his love for us.  I am thankful for all the churches we tried that just didn't do it for us.  Thankful for my creative side, my writing ability & the fact that I can touch others with this gifts God has given me.  For the bad times that have made me stronger, for the good times that have brought me laughter, for the times that I just thought I would never recover and yet I am here writing this blog. 

My list could go on and on...but, I am most thankful for my Lord & Savior who died so that I may live.  For a Lord who wraps his arms around me & shelters me with his love.  Without him I would be nothing, have nothing.  All things come through him.  He is the Lord who give & takes....and through it all I am called to be thankful.  So I will thankful anyways, so that I may be thankful always. 

Happy Thanksgiving my dear friends.  Here is my Thanksgiving prayer for each one of you.  May you have a wonderful & beautiful Thanksgiving.  May you share your day with friends & family & be surrounded by their love & the love of our Lord.  May you give thanks for all that you have, for all that you do not have, & for all that is yet to come to you!

A Miracle....

...yep a MIRACLE that's what it is.  There's really no other way to explain it...I guess to explain though I have to actually start at the beginning.  Last year when Kolby has his annual (the apt that goes along with his birthday) appointment with Hematology (for his Hemophilia) we discussed why he kept having the same bleed on his forehead.  It had been going on for over a month & he had been infused 3 times in the past 30 days.  We were scared & we had heard some pretty disturbing things.  Kolby's hemophilia up to that point had been mild & was really under control.  Now we had seen several doctors & more than one had thrown around the idea that an inhibitor was developing.  This was not good...it was downright horrible & scary.  The dr. drew some blood & re-ran all his numbers plus some blood work to check for inhibitors.  She also mentioned that the last blood work that had been down was from the previous year when we had done his test for a drug to see how he responded to it & that those numbers had been unexpectedly high, but she was sure it was due to the stress of all day blood draws.  Eric later explained that Kolby had done nothing short of screamed all day long...which would explain higher numbers.  So we had his blood drawn & I put it out of my mind.  The blood was going to 2 different locations & I wouldn't have results for a month.  If I had learned one thing with Kolby & the hemophilia it was to enjoy each day because you never knew if tomorrow something might happen that would change your life.  Well a month later our lives changed in a big way.  I got a call from our nurse and she explained that Kolby's factor numbers indicated that Kolby did not in fact have Hemophilia.  I was stunned, shocked, confused & so many other emotions.  She tried to explain that his initial lab work must have been wrong (all 4 draws done 3 months apart for the first year) and how she was sure that they had a handful of kids who had been misdiagnosed at the same time.  She couldn't explain away all the bleeds that he had been treated for since birth because there was not explanation, at least not one I was buying.  She then said that our dr. wanted to watch Kolby for the next year & for us to keep a journal of all his bleeds for a year & then we would retest & reevaluate what was going on with Kolby, but for sure he didn't have hemophilia.  It was so much to take in & so much uncertainty that we decided to tell our parents, family, & a couple of close friends.  As you may not have realized I haven't posted once this past year about Kolby & hemophilia.  That is because since the time I got that call from our nurse to now Kolby has not exhibited one sign or symptom of any bleeding disorder.  His head healed & since then he hasn't had another thing happen.  Now he has been hurt many, many times as boys his age will do.  His tooth was jarred lose with Logan's foot, almost lost the tooth but as far as bleeding nothing more than a normal kid, maybe less.  He has had his head hit with kick balls & nothing more than a normal knot.  His mouth was completely cut open with a huge hole & it bleed, but still nothing more than one might expect.  His lips been busted,  his nose has bleed...I could go on & on.  The point is things that would have caused us craziness for weeks on end a couple years back were now not needing more than a blink of the eye.  I've gotten to the point that I treat him like any other kid because that's what he has become...any other kid.  But if I'm being truthful Aug was starting and while i should have been pumped up to go & tell the dr what the last year had held for us I was terrified.  I was scared it was all a dream, I was scared she was going to say opps we made a mistake...he has hemophilia because it doesn't go away...NOT EVER!  Eric made me make our appointment after I had put it off for a while.  Well today was the day & although I didn't show concern or fear I was really nervous.  In my heart I know what happened with Kolby, but I didn't want to hear some dr. tell me something else.    We went in & we talked about the past year.  She was very pleased & explained that it's what one would expect with his current factor level...hmmm did she say current?  Yes she did...because next we talked about his levels when he was born & when he was one & when he was 3.  We talked about our past & all the bleeds we had been through...none as major as the one in 2009 that landed him in the hospital for 2 days & 40cc's of blood in his head.  She was honest when she said that she would never say this child didn't have hemophilia.  We had blood work & bleed events to prove it.  Nothing in 4 years indicated that Kolby was misdiagnosed.  But at the same time nothing currently indicated that Kolby still had hemophilia.  She said she would not make excuses, she would not take away what we had been through, she would not give us reasons that didn't seem logical.  She said she didn't know, but sometimes medicine doesn't have the answers and you have to look somewhere else.  She said you just have to be happy with the end results.  I told her I knew what had happened with Kolby & I didn't really care what others thought.  I just cared that he was healed & that he could now live his life as a normal kid.  It was a miracle, we all agreed on that.  So while I haven't really talked about it in the past year, I now feel confident enough to talk about our story.  Often I hear people say God doesn't do miracles anymore, but I know miracles still happen.  They may be small or they may be huge.  It may be making sure you caught a red light so that your family was the car that got hit by the semi or it may be healing a little boy so that he can live a normal life.  We just have to stop & give God the credit for what he has done.  I wasn't sure a year ago that Kolby had been healed...I yelled at my mom when she said that.  My friend mentioned it was a miracle & I told her to stop.  I said it was a medical error that had caused the problem and now we had to figure out what was wrong with him & causing all his bleeds.  I was skeptical & very reserved.  I didn't want to tell anyone or say anything.  I should have been praising God from the rooftops.  I should have been telling everyone I had contact with that God does in fact answer prayers.  I guess when I didn't acknowledge him like I should have he nudged me a little more and gave me a year with no issues and no problems.  He gave me a year where I could not deny what had happened.  He gave me a year to ready my heart so that I could spread his good word.  He gave me a year and now I am ready...miracles do happen.  They happened to us, it happened to Kolby.  I saw a little boy go from bleeding way to easy to being fine.  My little boy was healed by the hand of God.  You may think I am crazy...but trust me my friend, even his dr has said there's not another explanation.  Why should I look for one?

That Something Big....

is finally becoming apparent to me.  A couple of months back I started really researching churches in our area.  As I am really quite embarrassed to admit we hadn't been to church in over a year & really in the couple of years before that only once or twice.  I just wasn't getting anything from church & I was dragging the boys kicking & screaming to sit in a cry room during a mass that I could barely pay attention to because I was dealing with the kids.  Some people hassled me to find a church we liked, while others told me not to worry about it.  They tried to explain that as the kids got older it would be easier to go to church.  The truth is that at first I would use the kids as an excuse, but in reality I just wasn't getting anything out of church.  I was annoyed in a big way.  I could feel something in our lives missing & I couldn't find what I was looking for.  So back to a couple of months ago.  I had been doing a lot of reading & I was listening to a great podcast from a pastor in TX so in a lot of ways I was getting church.  I started to realize that my family on the other hand was not getting what I was getting & it was something that we all needed.  So I started reading websites for all the local churches.  I wasn't going to limit myself to Catholic Churches & I was really going to let God lead me to where he wanted me to be.  I prayed & prayed about it and finally I felt guided to start really looking into churches.  I didn't know what I was doing, I had never done this before.  I figured that if a website turned me off  then most likely I wasn't going to like the church.  If I like the website, I gave the number a call.  I figured if I was totally turned off by the person on the other end of the line then I was most likely not going to like the church.  I did this for a couple of days & finally I found a church.  Starting Pointe Church is a small non denominational church that is held right by our house.  I liked the website, I liked it a whole lot.  I felt pulled to the website, like I had to keep going back and reading the same thing over & over again.  I finally called the pastor, Pastor Jeff.  I don't know what it was, but I felt like I had found a home.  I felt peace talking to him.  I felt God talking to me in my heart.  I knew this was the place that God had been leading me to, but now I had to break the news to Eric.  I wasn't sure how it was going to go over with him.  He's always been pretty darn serious about the fact that we are Catholic & that we are staying Catholic.  I prayed that God would just open his heart & mind to this new experience because I really felt in my heart that this is where God was leading me.  I finally felt ready to tell Eric....& to my surprise he was really, really open to this idea that I had.  He was willing to give it a one time try.  We decided to try this new church on Easter Sunday.  I figured that if I didn't like you on Easter, I wasn't going to like you the rest of the year.  So we told the boys about this new church & I really talked it up to this awesome wonderful place.  Lucky for me, Mrs. Tracy makes it such a place.  And even luckier for me, Easter Sunday was awesome & Eric walked out of there offering to give it 4 more weeks.  What the heck he said, it's a five week sermon series, RIGHT???  My prayers were being answered right before my eyes.  From the moment we had walked in I knew we were finally home.  Maybe it was the lady at the door, who forgive me I can't recall her name, who was so very friendly & welcoming.  Maybe it was Mrs. Tracy who leads the kids church who was so warm & welcoming.  The way she took my children & eased my greatest fears when I mentioned that Logan had ADHD & Aspergers.  She didn't flinch, she didn't seem disturbed...no instead she said don't worry about it, he'll be fine with the most reassuring smile I have ever seen.  Maybe it was Pastor Jeff and the way he shook our hands & welcomed us to his church.  Maybe it was the way Pastor Jeff preached & just how real he really was.  Maybe it was the way that I finally felt like someone wanted to talk to me & not down at me.  I don't know why within minutes of being there I felt like I had finally found a home for our family, but I did & that's what is the most important thing.  I am not going to lie, it was a huge change for us.  I loved it, Eric looked a little disturbed.  I prayed & prayed through that entire service that God would just continue to open his heart & mind to this new experience.  By the time we had left, I knew that we had to come back, I couldn't wait to come back.  We collected our kids & they begged to come back...the very next day.  We explained that we couldn't & only a promise to come back next week settled them down.  It was all coming together.  The next week was just as great, even better.  They remembered our kids, they remembered our names.  They were happy to see us again.  We felt welcomed, like we belonged.  On my birthday, Pastor Jeff remembered it was my birthday & when he wished me a Happy Birthday I knew why I loved this place so much.  So here we are five weeks later & Eric loves it just as much as me.  Okay well maybe he's not as in love with it as I am, but he'll get there.  I can tell that he's getting something out of it & for a man of such little words sometimes he says some pretty interesting things about church & Pastor Jeff.  The kids hearts are on fire for the Lord & they can't get enough.  They are always looking to learn more.  Kolby loves listening to The Message with me on XM & he is always singing the songs that he has learned.  We are going to dedicate Emily to the Lord at the end of July.  I just feel like everything is right, like things are falling into place for us as far as church life is concerned.  I've always considered myself a Christian, but I was always a little jealous of those that were so consumed by their faith.  I am starting to understand what it means to live like Jesus.  I am starting to understand how one's heart can be on fire for the Lord.  My heart is open to the Lord & to what he telling me.  I am listening to him & he is guiding me.  I am following him blindly.  Don't get me wrong, I am so far from perfect & I slip all the time, but I am trying with all my heart to be as the Lord would have me be.  I don't know why he has placed me here at Starting Pointe, but I know that eventually he will show me the rest of his plan.  I do believe that this is just the start & he has so much more in store for me.  I know that if this is just a piece of his plan then the rest must be so much more than I could ever imagine.  He has great things in store for us & just knowing that he loves me & will lead me where he wants me to be is enough to keep me going until he is ready to reveal the rest to me.  I am blessed that we found Starting Pointe & that we now have a home to grow our children & ourselves in the way of the Lord.  We are truly blessed.

Not a good day...

no today has been rough.  It has been trying & left me wondering a whole lot of things.  I have spoken words in anger & not let Christ love shine through my heart.  I am regretful for the things I have said & I know a heart full of regret is not a good place for Christ to dwell.  I have fallen & now I need to pick myself up.  I know that I am disappointed, but I know others are even more so.   I know that Christ calls me to love those that love me & to love those that hate me even more.  I know that I am to love my neighbor as I love myself & today I have not done that.  I need to pray tonight even more so than most nights.  I need to pray for God to guide me & show me how to deal with the situation at hand.  I need to ask him to guide those that I love & to lead them to the places that they need to be.  Tonight I need Christ to cover those I love with his peace & protection.  I need him to show compassion like only he can.  I need him to help those that need him so that they may see the truth & they may begin to forgive themselves.  It will be a long, hard journey...but I know & believe with all my heart that through Christ all things are possible.  I know & believe that even when we don't love ourselves, Christ loves us & wants us to come to him so that he might be able to help us.  I know that even in times when we turn on Christ he does not turn on us.  I know that for some that I love they need to know these things to.  They need to know that although they do not deserve his forgiveness Christ will forgive them if they come to his table & ask.  I need them to start to see that Christ is there even when we haven't asked him to be, even when we think that he has left us all alone.  I know this feeling of worthlessness.  I know how it feels when you think you can't do anything right & that no one can possibly love you.  I have been shown that in reality we are never, ever alone & that Christ never stops loving us.  I need the ones I love to see Christ & feel Christ presence as I have in recent years.  I need them to learn to listen & follow with an open heart & eyes closed. 

I know Christ is protecting you right now & that he is watching out for you.  I hope that you go to him & let him begin to heal you.  I love you & I know that you are strong & you can do this.  All my love always

Hmmm....

Well I was writing something that I have been thinking about for awhile, but when I started it just didn't come out like I wanted it to.  I wasn't able to get across what I wanted to say in a meaningful way.  I wanted people to think about what I was saying & possibly make a change in their own lives.  Today just wasn't that day.  Oh well, it is saved in the draft section & maybe in a couple of days I will be more inspired to return to it.  I do know that I won't post it until it is just right, even if I change it a little at a time.  I wonder if that is what God is doing with me, changing me a little at a time?  He changes me so slowly without me even noticing & then when I finally do notice it is like WoW...I am someone new.  He puts people in my path, both positive & not so positive, & then I have to see the difference between them.  Some of those people wouldn't even realize that I am growing just by knowing them.  That they have made me look at myself & made me want to be a better person.  Sometimes it is because I see the person I want to be in them.  Sometimes it is because I feel like I am looking into a mirror & I don't like what I see.  I know that in the coming months I have some really hard choices to make because I have grown & changed.  I know that I will hurt some people, but I have to do what I know is best.  I know that I can't love the Lord the way that I am meant to if I surround myself with negative forces.  I have to love him completely & as he deserves to be loved.  I feel like I really need to surround myself with positive, pure forces so that I can be open to the Lord's love in my life.  Hatred, anger, gossip, jealousy...these are not the work of the Lord, they are Satan's work & him pulling me towards him.  If someone is bringing these things into my life then I need to be strong enough to walk away from that relationship.  I want to be a better person, but not just better.  I want to be the best me that I can be because if I am not being the best me possible, then I am not being the me that God created.  Here's to change & growth one day at a time.

And what is that something BIG...

DISCLAIMER:  My blog is my blog & while I may write somethings from the past that will hurt others feelings, please realize that I have forgiven & I have moved on.  I do not hold ill feelings towards others that have hurt me in the past.  Sometimes it's just important to bring up the past to better understand the present.

The truth is that when I finally sat down for a minute (doesn't happen often in my world) and really thought about how I got to where I was in the right here & now, I realized that a lot of different things have happened to lead me to this place.  The main thing is my ever growing faith in God.  I have been on a growing & learning path for a really, really long time.  But, in the last 3 years I have done the most of my growing & I have done it on my own.  Now obviously, I don't mean "on my own" as in without any help, I just mean I haven't been to church & I havent' had somebody preaching his or her version down my throat.  I have though most definitely had the help of God.  Really, it's been all him & me learning to listen to what he is saying.  It's been my faith growing & me learning to not ask why.  It's been me learning to follow, blindly if I must & believe that the bigger plan is more important than the here & now plan. 

So what has happened in the last 3 years that has brought me to today.  That's a lot to answer and I don't know if I could fully explain it in a blog, but to help you really understand my something big, I'm going to try.   We (as in Eric, Logan, Kolby & myself) ended 2007 & rang in 2008 while visiting family in Texas.  It was at a point when Logan's behavior & uniqueness were really becoming apparent.  It was a different kind of visit to say the least.  I did a couple of blogs about it back then and you can read more about it here and here.  To sum it up things were said, feeling (mine imparticular) were hurt, & I really felt a lot of hate in my heart.  Right after the new year I got a call from my parents saying my great-grandfather had a stroke and was in the hospital.  He was really old, so it wasn't like a huge shock but it hurt because I had spent an awful lot of time with my great-grandparents as a small child.  We came home a few days later and life resumed.  On Feb 15th my great-grandfather passed away.  Our family (my grandmother, parents, aunt, sister, & I) had a long debate over whether or not we should tell my great-grandmother because she had Alzheimer's.  It was decided best to tell her & we did on that Sunday. The following Tues she went into the hospital and it was never determined what exactly had happened to her.  She would talk in gibberish & then look right at me & speak perfect English.  Sitting in her room was strange because although there was only 2 of us in there the room always felt crowded.  It was like she literally died of a broken heart & my great-grandfather had come calling.  On the Fri of the same week, my grandmother went to the ER for stomach pain in the morning and by that night she had coded and was brought back and placed in the ICU.  We spent the next couple of weeks were spent between 2 hospitals and trying to figure out who I would visit and who's bed I would sit by.  So much of it was a blur, and while I knew my great-grandmother would not make it, I still prayed that God would hear my prayers and heal my grandmother like he had so many times before.  She was only 69 after all!  My great-grandmother passed away on March 7th and went to be with my great-grandfather in a much better place.  It was so sad, but yet so wonderful to see her at peace finally after the last years of suffering.  My grandmother would get better, get worse & you would never know what was going to happen next.  It was obvious God was not hearing me, maybe my prayers were too little for him I thought.  I mean I was praying like I had been taught...please dear lord, make her better, heal her, cure her...please lord her me cry to you, let your will be done and i will accept it.  The problem was I didn't mean it, I didn't really mean his will, I meant my will and it was becoming all to obvious to me that he didn't understand what I was really saying.  I got the call on Monday March 17th.  She wasn't going to make it, we were going to have to say good-bye.  I couldn't believe it...how could he have let me down.  So much for being by my side and holding me when times were tough.  I barely remember the following hours, but yet they seem like yesterday...a blurry, confusing yesterday.  She passed that evening with her family by her side.  I was like a zombie.  I just kept waiting for her to wake up, for someone, anyone to wake me up to tell me it had been a horrid dream.  I never woke up...well, not then not right away.  I finally cried my eyes out one day in April.  As the following months went on and our lives drastically changed right before our eyes, my loss became apparent.  Sometimes I yelled at God, but most of the time I just didn't talk to him.  I didn't need him I told myself, he had let me down so many times through out the past & this was my final straw.  He had taken away 3 people that I loved so dearly at the same time & one of them had no business being taken from me, from her family.  And then he was allowing other things to occur that just were not right.  Less than six months after my grandmother had passed away my grandfather had found a new woman to dedicate his life to.  It wasn't like I had time to grieve or was allowed to grieve.  I was told get on board or get out of the way.  I got on board, what else was I soppose to do.  The holidays came and it was terrible.  I drank my way through them & looking back the last 5 months of 2008 were a big drinking time for me.  I drank to forget my pain, or maybe it was to feel my pain, I still don't know.  The bottom line is I drank more than I should have & if the Lord hadn't intervened in ways that I couldn't understand then I would have drank myself into a terrible situation.  Eric & I had also decided towards the end of 2007 that we were done having children.  Although our family never had felt complete, we came to our own conclusion that God was telling us that we were done.  We really wouldn't be able to afford another child & it didn't seem that God was going to provide a way for us to.  We figured this was his way of speaking to us.  It was hard to let go of never having another child, but I put my mind to it, accepted it & began to move on.  If this was to be my family, and it was a good family, then I should work on making it the best family that it could be.  I spent New Years 2008/2009 in the woods with my family, including my grandfather & his soon to be wife.  It was not a pleasent New Years...so I drank.  In Jan. 2009 to finalize in my mind (not my heart) that we were in fact done with having babies I gave all of my baby stuff to a friend who was expecting.  I smiled & I told everyone I could that we were soooo done.  I'm not sure if I was trying to convince others or myself.  Although I kept telling myself that I accepted this, I kept praying to the Lord for answers.  It just didn't feel right.  I begged him to answer me or give me a sign.  Were we really done?  Why did I have this yearning in my heart for one more baby?  Once again I didn't feel I was getting any answers & this time I told myself, maybe I had ticked him off just a little too much with all my ranting.  I mean I hadn't talked to him in months & now because my heart was on fire for another child I wanted to be best friends.  No wonder he wasn't answering me.  I guess God realized that I was slightly denser than some & I was more along the line of show me than let me feel it because in Feb 2009 I got a BIG obvious answer to my prayers.  I guess he didn't want me to miss him speaking to me this time....he went ahead & put a baby in my belly.  Looking back I realize that the fire in my heart, the yearning for another child, the uneasy feeling as we talked about ways to permanent ways to prevent more children...all of that was the Lord speaking to me.  I just wasn't listening to him.  The Feb that I found out I was expecting was one year (almost to the day) that my grandmother had gone into the hospital and exactly one month before the 1 year anniversary of her death.  She had always told me God had big plans for me.  She would tell me that we weren't done with kids because I still had a baby girl coming to me.  She had been told.  Crazy old lady I would say.  From the moment I got over the shock & anger because we weren't soppose to have more kids, I knew in my heart we were having our baby girl.  Maybe she had been told after all, but why did she have to miss it.  I was pissed like you wouldn't imagine.  I didn't say thank you Lord for answering my most secret prayers, nope I yelled & screamed like a little kid because my grandmother wasn't here.  At some point in there I started reading an amazing man, Max Lucado.  I had picked up In the Eye of the Storm really cheap and I loved it.  I started out by reading it quickly like I do everything that I read & then I stopped, started over, & really started to think about the message I was reading.  It made sense & for the first time in a long time I felt some sort of peace in my heart.  I also started to hear God speaking to me, not that I was always listening yet.  Then I read He Chose the Nails, once again amazing read.  Started listening to podcast, starting reading my bible...finally started listening, really listening.  Not to what I wanted to hear, but to what God was really saying.  I started understanding that Gods will was greater than my own.  That his plans were bigger than mine & that I had to follow his lead.  My plans were just that,mine & when I showed them to the Lord, he would slowly reveal his plans to me.  They weren't always the same plans, but I had to go with the flow & I had to trust that he knew what was best.  I had to stop asking why all the time.  Time passed & I would love to say I grew in huge amounts, but I didn't.  I grew tiny bits, but those bits were the foundation for that something bigger that God has in mind for me.  Emily joined our family & I realize that I could have never lived with out her.  Our family was not complete, so whether others thought that we might of needed another baby like we needed a hole in our heads or not it doesn't matter to me anymore.  I know we needed her & I know the Lord wanted us to have her. 

A year ago next month our lives took a huge turn that we didn't see coming & it was yet one of my biggest test of faith.  I felt like I was in a good place as far as my faith was concerned, but I honestly didn't know how much more I was about to grow.  In April 2009 Logan, my first born, was diagnosised with Autism Spectrum Disorders & ADHD.  I'm sitting here crying as I am writing this, probably because it is the first time that I have openly written about it.  I can remember that day like it was yesterday, part of it blurry like a dream & yet the feelings are so clear.  The dr looked at me after I had rambled non stop for 40 mins & asked if I had ever heard of Aspergers.  I immediately lost my breath, like someone had punched me in the stomach.  I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't.  I needed to seem like a normal, put together mom.  I couldn't act like a hystercial lunatic.  I told him he was wrong, obviously Logan did not have any form of Autism.  He held my hand & asked me to listen to what he had to say.  An hour later I had a referal to The Rothman Center, they specialized in things like this.  Eric & I had agreed to get a second opinion.  We talked as we walked to lunch at All Children's Hospital & although neither one of us wanted to say it out loud, we did agree & we both knew that this was a long, long road that had just been laid ahead of us.  I remember calling my mom & being frustrated because she questioned what I had said or why did I agree with this.  I was frustrated because I wanted to move forward & just accept this for waht it was.  I didn't want to be in denial.  Then I called my sister & she totally agreed.  She had just studied this in school & she could totally see where Logan had fit the discription.  She wasn't shocked at all.  I was really frustrated with her.  SERIOUSLY...I wanted to yell if you thought it was a possibility, why the hell didn't you tell me.  I was frustrated because she agreed with me.  I realized that I didn't want others to accept what I had stared to accept, but I didn't want them to openly challenge me as my mom just had.  Great, I wasn't really sure what I wanted.  We told Eric's parents & no one else.  I clearly needed time to accept what was going on.  I needed to hear someone else tell me what I knew in my heart.  Logan got into The Rothman Center quickly & we left there with the same diagnosis that we had previously been told.  She diagnosised Logan with Autism Spectrum Disorders with a sub diagnosis of ADHD.  She also said he suffered from Sensory Processing Disorder (which we already knew) & had OCD tendencies.  She said if we couldn't get him to mello when it came to OCD, he would wind up needing to be medicated for that in the future.  We accepted the medication for ADHD, which was not easy.  I have always been opposed to medicating children for ADHD & here I was having to accept that my child needed medication.  I won't lie, I started to slip right back into the old routin of why God, why me, why Logan????  Why are you doing this to me, why my baby...why should he have to suffer?  Why does his life have to be hard?  Why do you hate us so much?  The same thing that it had always been, it wasn't my way & I didn't like it.  These weren't my plans, in fact I finally realized what the whole thing about Holland was.  I had just found out that I was actually living in Holland, not Italy.  Strangly, I realized that I didn't want to cry, I wanted to fight, to figure out what was best for Logan & what needed to be done next.  I had two choices, I could yell at God or I could ask him for his help & really listen to what he was saying,  I started praying, but really praying this time.  Only God could get us through this, only he could lead me & I had to trust him completely.  I did just that.  For probably the first time in my life, I really listened.   I really started paying attention & I really started to feel at peace.  And the more at peace I felt about Logan, the easier other choices in life became.  We started to realize that although we had health insurance Logan's co-pays were going to eat us alive.  We realized that with the addition of Emily we were barely scraping by.  We had tried to do things to make our house payments more affordable, but were very ussuccsessful.  It seemed that mortage companies only helped those that didn't try to help themselves.  Basically because we paid our mortage on time, there wasn't anything they could do.  We had to be in default before they would help us.  I was beginning to feel doubtful that there was going to be a solution for us that we could live with.  I prayed & I prayed.  I waited for the answers to come.  Finally after months of prayer I started to feel comfortable with letting our house go.  It seemed like the only solution out there.  It was devestating to think that what we had worked for would be all gone.  I prayed that God would lead me in the right path & give Eric the ability to accept what we were about to do.  After making phone calls & more phone calls & more phone calls someone asked me if I had heard of a short sale.  I told them that we had asked about it early on and we were told that we couldn't do one.  I got the approval a few hours later, hired a relator, & finally started to feel a little better about the situation.  The relator advised us to hire an attorney & gave us the card of one that she worked with often.  Doris was a godsend.  She was like a little angle that God had sent to help us through the next several months as we sold away the house that we had worked so hard for.  None of it made sense, but then some of it did over time.  During this same time I had started to homeschool Logan until we could get school situated.  The previous 2 years had left him hating school & had left the teachers treating him poorly.  I realized that between unresolved family issues, all that we had been through with the house & Logan my heart was quickly filled with a lot of hate.  I was once again filled with anger & rage & an unwillingness to forgive those who had wronged me.  I didn't take it out on God this time, I was sure he was on my side, but I also wouldn't forgive.  When a very amazing woman I know posted a topic on Facebook about forgiveness I was inspired to think about my life at the current moment.  I realized that what she was saying was so true, even if I did not want to believe it.  I once again searched out Max Lucado.  His writings always offerd so much insight to me.  I picked up A Love Worth Giving.  By the time  I had finished my heart was beginning to heal.  The anger was leaving me & I was working on forgiving those that needed my forgiveness.  It wasn't about them asking for it or them deserving it.  It was about my love for Christ & how he fogives me although I don't deserve his forgiveness either.  I was at peace in my life & even in times of  great difficulty I felt like God was guiding me.  I knew I was never alone & I felt that way.  I found homeschooling Logan to be one of the most difficult things that I had ever done, but I prayed & God once again answered.  I found that when I was going into a hard meeting or a difficult situation I acutually invited God to come with me.  I told him I would save him a seat & I knew that he would be there with me.  I was at peace.  By Jan of this year Logan was settled in the Quest Program (gifted program) at Challenger K-8 & our house sale was approved.  Logan was doing amazing in school & his teacher expressed how she felt that the little boy in the papers was not the little boy in her class.  Her Logan was amazing, smart, well behaved, obident, excited about school.  WOW...I knew my Logan was awesome, I had just waited what seemed like a really long time for someone else to finally realize it.  She also told me what an amazing mother I was & that made me cry.  It made my heart swell with joy, my little boy was going to be okay even if it was only in the right here & now.  At the same time we found out that the bank would sign away all the deficency that was left on the house.  We would be able to walk away from this experience with nothing but knowledge of what we had learned during the process.  So that brings me to the here & now.  I don't know why this is where we are.  I don't know why Logan has ASD, I don't know why he had to suffer so much  & I don't know why we had to walk away from our house.  I guess I would like to know the answers, but if they aren't for me to know then I am okay with that.  I do know that God is here with me, that he has guided me to this place right now.  I listen to my  heart, to the feelings deep inside.  Sometimes I share them with Eric or others & sometimes I don't, but I listen to them.  I pay attention to the littlest things that I may have missed before.  I know that when my heart is at peace I am in the right place.

So as for the big thing that I am right on the verge of, I'm not sure what it is.  God hasn't told me yet.  I'm sure with time he'll reveal his most amazing plan for me.  I'm almost certain it won't jive with whatever plans I've made for myself, but I am 100% certain that his plans are bigger & better than mine.  I haven't ever shared most of this, but all of a sudden I felt compelled to write.  I have been thinking of what I wanted to say & suddenly I knew I had to start this blog.  So for now I'm enjoying life today.  I'm enjoying writing again, something I stopped awhile ago.  I'm enjoying the inspiration that I feel & the fire burning inside of me to share it.  I'm enjoying growing & learning about myself with the Lord as my guide.