Yesterday I realized...

...that I was entering my 5th week of homeschooling.  WOW!!!  I hadn't blogged all summer, but that was kind of the plan since I was trying to have fun with the kiddos & I was preparing for a whole new journey.  But...I had planned to blog through my homeschooling journey & now that I'm five weeks in I think I better get started. 

Let me start off by saying that hardly ever do things go as I expect & homeschooling is no different.  The difference is that usually things are much worse than I anticipate & life is seldom easy for me.  Homeschooling has been this amazingly, wonderful, beautiful journey.  It is so blessed by God that I sometimes I look in the mirror & I can't believe that this is me or that I am actually doing this.  Like for instance, it's lunch break right now.  I am sitting at my computer typing my thoughts (while eating some noodles) & the kids are watching a show eating their lunch.  There is no yelling, no screaming, no fighting.  It's just a quiet, peaceful sound.  For the most part this is how our days have been.  Not the watching TV part, but the quiet, peaceful sound part :)  Now, let me say right now, upfront, I am in NO WAY, NO HOW trying to say our days have been perfect.  We have had our ups & downs.  We have had changing it up a bit, changing what we are learning & changing how we are learning for that matter.  BUT...it has all been smooth & much easier than expected. 

For those that read my blog, you know Logan has "those days" where things are difficult.  Well let me confess, I anticipated many of "those days" & even rougher days than that for the first several months while we adjusted.  I expected him to fight me, argue with me, beyond test my limits.  I anticipated that he would tell me how much he hated homeschool and that he wanted to go back to school. (We had previously agreed this wasn't happening) The kid hasn't lived up to the first expectation I had & that is a GIFT FROM GOD!  That is God saying "I told you I would take care of things if you just let me lead".  Logan has been amazing, in fact so good that I can't believe it's my boy most days.  Its such an affirmation that this was the best choice for Logan.  He needed this, he needed homeschool.  He is so not afraid to work & work hard he does.  He just needed to be allowed to work hard the way he works.  I am learning so many new things with him & just seeing him in such a different light that it's blessing me in ways untold.  As for Emily, she is doing amazing.  She is so stinking smart that some days she amazes me in ways that I can't believe.  We really struggled with the homeschooling her vs. putting her in VPK this year.  We made the decision, but then I went back in forth several times in my head & in my heart.  I just worried that I was pushing her too hard by starting Kindergarten when she hadn't been to preschool.  But I heard the voice pushing us in this direction & so I stuck with our initial decision.  (Shh...don't tell, but I still didn't cancel her VPK enrollment until the start of Aug) I am so glad that I listened to the voice because she was so ready for Kindergarten.  She is doing so much, writing so much, reading so much, spelling so math, getting ready to start addition, she's learning all about herself & her community.  Most importantly, she is comprehending everything and retelling to others what she is doing.  It makes my heart smile.  I can't believe how much she is capable of & I know that there is no other way to educate her than to homeschool her.  I know we have made the right decision for both of our children & I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds.  As for Kolby, he's doing great & he's having an awesome year.  He loves his teachers, but then again who doesn't.  Ms. Gibson & Ms. Hernandez, simply put, are the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, God fearing ladies I have ever met within the school system (but also in life).  Trust me when I say, children are blessed by them teaching.  But, it's been hard on Kolby & on me that he's not home with us.  We did a special for 9/11 and I let him stay home with us.  He really flourished in that environment too.  He has asked to stay home this year, but I prayed and I know in my heart that God wants him in school this year.  My plan is to homeschool him next year, but when the time comes I have to have faith that God will tell me where Kolby needs to be, regardless of what Kolby or I think. 

The main thing I have realized this year so far is that I really am capable of doing anything through Christ & that with him I am made strong.  It's hard to believe that I am doing this, but I am & it's working amazingly.  I don't know why I ignored this calling for so many years.  I don't know why I felt so fearful.  I realize that God just kept putting more & more things in place so that I could no longer deny this calling.  I feel at peace with our choices & I feel at peace with who I am right now & who I am becoming.  I realize that all the trails & struggles were preparing us for this moment.  They were preparing Logan so that he would be ready for this.  All the struggles with Logan prepared me to be even more confident in my choices with Emily.  I've always said raising Emily was like raising a female version of Logan.  They are so much alike that it can actually be scary.  In some ways it breaks my heart.  I see how well Emily is doing.  I see how much she is learning, how she is growing & how her confidence is soaring every day.  I know that's because of how she is learning & the way I am approaching her in lessons.  I realize that Logan would have done so well at home from the start.  He should have never entered the school system.  They beat him down, they broke his spirit, they took what could have been amazing and turned it into hurt & sadness.  I see my little girl & I think what he might have been.  I think how sad he must have been in class when he was in trouble, for being himself & for being to smart in a system that can't handle it.  They tore away at him piece by piece & they made him hate school & learning.  They made him think questions weren't okay.  They broke him like no child should be broken by education.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry over these thoughts.  I feel in so many ways like I failed him.  I know that in the end he will be okay.  I know that because he had those really amazing teachers I mentioned above, Ms. Gibson and Ms. Hernandez.  They loved on my boy, they told him he was so smart, that he could do anything.  They built him up with such love & belief that he could do it.  They made him want to learn, made him want to ask questions, made him see being smart was really okay.  They made him understand that being him was also a really good thing.  They helped fix what had been broken.  So I know he'll be okay & I pray that through homeschooling we will help him become all that God wants him to be.  And though our future looks bright, I still have a hard time not looking back and thinking  what if?  But with God we have to keep our eyes forward & on the cross. When we do that we remember that he has always loved us, that he will always love us & that he has the perfect plans for us when we allow him to dream for us. 

While I realize that there were some people out there who doubted my ability to do this & do it successfully, there are also some pretty special people out there who were rooting for me & praying for our success.  The difference between the 2 groups of people, the first group didn't account for God & his calling me to this.  The number one lesson I keep learning over and over again is, if God calls me to something then he is going to qualify me to do it.  That second group of people, well, they kept preaching that lesson to me over & over again.  So here I am, successful because I am being qualified by God who called me here & blessed me for following his path. 

So that's a little bit of the ups.  Tomorrow a little bit of the learning curve that we have experienced &  a whole lot of pictures of what we have been doing.

Walking this journey with Christ by my side,
Andrea

Running & Hiding from the Almighty....

it just doesn't seem to make sense & yet so many of us often try.  While I was reading my devotional, Devotions for the God Girl: A 365 Day Journey, this morning (which is pretty awesome despite the fact that it's for teen girls) I found myself writing a blog in my devotional journal.  Of course God comes to me & convicts my heart when I refuse to do what he is telling me to do (that's for another post) hence my attempt at running & hiding!  Today's scripture took me back to the start of things, I mean literally, the Garden of Eden with Adam & Eve.  Honestly, how much farther back in time can one go???

          Then the man and his wife heard the sound of LORD God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and they hid themselves from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.  So the LORD   God  called out to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said,  "I heard You in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid." Then He asked, "Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"  

          ~ Genesis 3:8-11 (HCSB)

So the story continues as we know, Adam is confronted for what he had done wrong, he throws Eve under the bus pretty quickly & Eve proceeds to throw the serpent under the bus even quicker.  Not once do Adam & Eve consider saying "Okay so maybe I was a  little guilty in all of this." No, in the garden at the point that they were caught they didn't see responsibility as an option.

Blame shifting. Being a Victim. Denial of guilt. Running. Hiding.  FEAR...of punishment, rejection, disappointment of a parent, loss of everything.  JUST PLAIN FEAR.  All the emotions & things we experience today were being experienced right there in the garden right before God.  None of what we go through, none of this, nothing that we do is ever going to be new to an Almighty, All knowing God. NONE OF IT, NOT EVER!  

Today we don't have a little serpent sliding on it's belly telling us to eat the forbidden fruit so that we can have the power of knowledge.  To be honest, I don't know if I would have been as trusting as Eve was, but in her defense she only knew good & I've had the benefit of experiencing the power of evil.  But yet, I understand her trust & desire to want to know it all, to control it all, to have that mighty power that was dangled before her.  For Christians living in today's world, society is our serpent.  It dangles sin right before us day in & day out. It entices us in ways that we don't even realize sometimes until it's too late.  Wealth. Power. Control. Good looks. Nice bodies.  Sex appeal.  Big houses. Fancy Cars. Exotic Vacations.  Anything that spells I AM SUCCESSFUL!  I mean who doesn't want those things?  Society says these things give us RESPECT, ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL.  That's what society says...it doesn't matter if it takes time from our spouse, our children, our causes, our church life, or even from God.  We get caught up in this life, in what society says is important and before we know it these things have become our God, our IDOLS!  Idolatry is when you make something more important that God & when life's activities start to take away your time with God you are worshiping at the alter of an idol.  

For me, I personally focus on the home & my family.  I do it because I strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but I'm not perfect & I eventually slip in my chores or the family activities that I wish we were doing.  When I realize that I've slipped I become super obsessed with the chores, the activities & I forget why I am doing it. I forget my pursuit of being a Proverbs 31 wife & mother.  I forget that in all things I need to bring glory to God.  When I become a crazy woman who is cleaning all day & making the "perfect" home so that my husband can be happy & my kids can be glad to call me mommy, but I neglect to find time to read my bible & do studies with my kids I am really worshiping at the idol of acceptance.  When I plan activities that are fun for my family & I post to social media sights so that the world can see what we are doing, I am worshiping at the idol of acceptance. When I look at some one else's life & say "Ugh...I wish that was us" I am worshiping at the idol of envy.  When I make list & list & plot out our days without accepting that things may change & not go as planned, I am worshiping at the idol of control.  Obviously, I am not saying that these things are bad in nature, I am saying when I put them before God, before the time I spend with him everyday, before my family then I make them bad.  When I do things so that others will say "Wow, that's awesome"  then I have done whatever I am doing for all the wrong reasons.  I think we all do this from time to time.  We slip & fall into the trap that the serpent dangles before us. We let our quiet time with Lord get pushed aside or spend less time in his word daily.  When we do this it allows for evil to get into our minds & hearts just a little bit easier.  

Once we realize what we have done, we tend to fight taking responsibility for our sin. We run & we try to hide from God. LIKE WE COULD EVER REALLY HIDE FROM GOD??? We pretend He didn't see.  We tell ourselves, "Maybe He doesn't know!"  YEAH RIGHT, LIKE GOD DOESN'T REALLY KNOW OUR HEARTS???   So finally we hear Him calling us and we know that we have to go to him.  So we go and we try to convince Him that it wasn't our fault.  Someone else made us do it, we just didn't know what would happen, we didn't realize that it was wrong.  Whatever we tell Him, we push the blame somewhere else.  It's hard to admit when we are wrong.  It's hard to know that someone paid the price for your sin with HIS blood.  When you really think about it, step by step, how Jesus paid the price for us & yet we sin & sin & sin...I am guilty & I feel bad.  It makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes rejoice to know that I can go confess my sins & be free to try & live a better life.  I know I am going to sin, God knows that I am going to sin.  What I have to do is run to God & immediately confess my sin.  I have to get on my knees, repent & ask forgiveness.  I have to ask for strength to fight the serpent that dangles sin right in front of me. 

We all have weakness, we all have our crosses to bear.  It's our daily battle that we have to fight.  The good news is that we don't have to fight it alone.  And even though we don't have the strength to fight, our Lord & Savior will be strong enough for us.  

         "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness, so that Christ's power may reside in me.  So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (HCSB)

So we must stop running & hiding & shifting blame & fearing the worst.  We need to let it go by running to our loving Savior, confess our sins & take responsibility for our actions.  It's through our confession of sins that we are free from them.  He paid our ransom.  Our debts have been cleared, wiped clean.  We don't need to run & hide anymore.  We need to surrender our lives to the Lord, be responsible for the choices we make, hold those choices up this HIS word and make sure they align, we need to bring glory to his name in all we do.  We need to admit that our lives belong to someone other than ourselves, they belong to God & WE NEED TO LIVE SECOND!

Some days are just like that, even in Australia

It never has surprised me that one of Logan's most favorite books is Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.  I mean he can so totally relate to Alexander & how some days nothing seems to go right.   For Logan, yesterday was one of those days.  It was just really a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY!  It was a day that tore at him & left him so sad, so confused, & so anxious that he had a hard time even playing.  It was a day that tore my heart right out of my chest.  It was the kind of day that you would give anything to make it better for your child & and no matter what you say or what you do it's not going to get better.  It was the kind of day that we have been having more & more of lately.  I don't often talk about it with people outside of my very close circle of support because I don't want the judgement or the opinions that come with it.  I don't talk about it because honestly I don't feel it's anyone's business what goes on in our house or with our family.  But the fact is that last night while I was laying in my bed long after midnight I was thinking of the words that I could use to blog about the day.  Usually when I am laying in bed & my head is typing a blog it's God putting the words on my heart.  It's God saying you need to share this because it's important.  So while I don't usually share these types of days, I feel compelled to share.  I'll leave it up to God to handle the judgement & opinions...he obviously felt it was worth it.

Yesterday started with us picking up the boys for church. It was their first time going to Grace Family Church, which they loved by the way.  I thought Logan would be overwhelmed by all the people and the way kids church was ran, but he came out begging to go back & said he loved it..."even the really loud music mom"   Maybe in the grand scheme of things he was a little overwhelmed & I just didn't pick up on it.  We went back to my mom's house & the boys were playing for a bit.  Finally my sister & Justin arrived and the kids were so excited to see them (because of course they hadn't seen them in like a whole 18 hours).  The boys went outside to play with Justin, my dad, & Eric.  Well here's where the anxiety kicked in & from this point forward the day was just painful for anyone who was watching.  My parents back yard is flooded about 1/2 of the way to the deck, so if you know the back yard that's a pretty good amount of playing area.  The water isn't super deep but it is swamp water from the forest and it's murky.  Diesel, my parents dog, started running through the water & the boys were laughing & having a good time.  Logan threw the ball at Eric who threw the ball back at Logan who ducked and the ball landed in the water.  Oh my, end of the world one.  Logan comes inside crying, I mean sobbing hysterically like he's hurt or something.  He can't understand why Eric threw the ball in the water.   I try to explain that Eric didn't do this on purpose.  Logan doesn't get it.  Come to find out, the other guys laughed at the whole thing which made Logan even more embarrassed that his ball was in the water.  Let's be real here, it's funny.  Plain & simple...the guys are playing, ball goes in water, any other kid goes into the water and grabs the ball & keeps playing.  Heck, any other kid might just laugh too!  Well not Logan because he doesn't get what's funny & he doesn't get that they are laughing with him.  He is 100% sure that they are laughing at him.  I let him cry it out, sometimes that's all I can do.  I try to explain again, but it's just making things worse.  I hug him, hold him, love him, he runs away into the other room.  Maybe 10minutes later he comes out ready to go back outside to play.  The problem is that now we all understand that he's on edge & to say that we should walk on eggshells to prevent the next episode is an understatement.  And in reality you can't always walk on eggshells because that's not how life goes when you are a bunch of guys playing around & we aren't doing Logan any favors when we do walk on eggshells.  He has to learn to read these cues, to understand that people laugh with you & not at you when they are your friends.  It's okay to joke around that's how guys hang out & communicate.  I always think it must be extra hard to be Logan because he just doesn't get how guys do things & he's growing into a guy.  To make the long day shorter for you let me give you the brief overview.  The crying, sobbing, hysterical fits got more often & all of us could sense his great pain & frustration.  He couldn't calm himself down, but he didn't want to stop playing so he would stop crying, return to playing & return to crying.    The anxiety built up so much that Logan decided that my dad was trying to throw him in the water so he wouldn't leave the deck.  We tried to explain that it was okay.  My dad showed Logan how he would "pretend" to throw him in the water by swinging Kolby over the water.  This freaked Logan out so much & he started shaking & crying all over again.  When I explained that it was okay, they were just joking around Logan looked at me & as seriously as he could through all his tears said "it's not funny at all, what if his hands slip and he drops him?"  I told him it was okay, I mean that's all I can do as a parent.  I can reassure him over & over & over & over again that it's OKAY!  The hard part is that he just doesn't get it.  He finally calmed down a bit, went downstairs to wash his feet & thought he would squirt my dad with water.  My dad played back & acted all mad.  It was obvious that he was playing around with Logan, but Logan didn't understand.  He freaked out & his anxiety hit it's peak.  He was screaming & crying & shaking & running from my dad.  Logan went and hid in the trailer & was just shaking there.  Eric finally went down & got him. We got Logan in the shower & he calmed down a bit.  The shower, oh how it is a magical calm down place for Logan.  He was so over done that he couldn't go to sleep.  His eyes were bright red, he read a whole book & finally sometime after midnight he fell asleep.  I'm sure that I fell asleep much later than him as I laid in bed & recounted our day.  

The hard part is that for so long now Logan has just seemed so normal.  I mean we know that he's ASD & we accept that, but for a while it's been hard to convince others that it's the right diagnosis.  I know that we have always been told that the older he got the harder social things would be for him.  I always felt like school was our biggest issue so once we started doing well there...well I guess I thought we were kind of out of the rough patch.  I've spent a good portion of  the summer in denial about Logan & the changes that I was seeing.  He has become super OCD about certain things again & following rules has once again become an overwhelming issue.  Hahaha....how many parents complain because their child has an overwhelming issue with the rules...I mean he follows them to a tee & there is no bending them a bit, including anyone who actually lives in the world.  Routine & transition are becoming issues again.  Not to the extent that we have seen in the past, but you can tell his anxiety level rise whenever something new or out of the norm occurs.  Meltdowns are on the rise & this time around they are wherever we happen to be.  For us this is a new issue.  We didn't deal with public meltdowns last time around so this is a whole new ball game for me.  Being that I have some rage issues myself it's really hard when Logan is melting down in public & people decide to stare or make comments.  I have to keep my temper under control because if not I'm not teaching Logan the right thing.  His meltdowns are also more violent than ever before & they are always geared towards me.   While I am honored that he feels that safe with me to let it all out, I wish he had a different way of expressing his love for me!  And finally I would have to be blind if I didn't notice just how hard social cues and situations are becoming for him.  Sometimes I catch the look of confusion on his face & I can help him out without making it obvious.  Sometimes it becomes too much too quickly & I can't save him from the situation.  I try to explain things, but you have to be in a situation for the learning experience to occur.  Sometimes that's just  to late.  The pain & frustration for Logan is inevitable. My heart being ripped out is inevitable.  I hate this leaning process for all of us.  I hate learning that I can't save him from what is going to become a very cruel world.

The good news is that we have made some major progress with Logan this summer.  For as hard as it has been & for as hard as it is going to get, I can smile & know that my little guy has made some great growth this summer.  He is getting more mature & learning to make better choices.  He is learning that his number one choice will always be between his emotions controlling him or he controlling his emotions.  He is learning to accept fault & apologize for his actions.  He is learning to control his impulses & to be better organized.  He has come off of another part of his ADHD meds & is doing awesome in school.  Most of all he is learning that sometimes he has to ask for help.  This is huge for Logan.  It's his biggest accomplishment this summer.  In my eyes it shows the biggest growth in maturity.  We still have a way to go & I worry constantly about what the next couple of years will bring.  I love my little guy & his heart is so darn big.  It makes me cry to see him though because he's the type of kid that's going to get picked on & kids are going to bully him.   I know the years ahead are going to be tough & I am just so thankful that he has found a good, strong group of friends.  I hope that they will stick it out together & be there for each other when it gets tougher.  I hope that Logan remembers that he is wonderfully made & on the path that the Lord has set for him.  I pray he always remembers that Jesus is walking with him & that all he has to do is ask for help & strength & he will receive it. I pray that I am strong enough to get him through those years when a mommy can't fix everything and heart ache is so very painful.  I hope that my love & the love of the Lord will always be enough for him.

It's hard being the mother of any child, but when your child is on the spectrum it doubles & sometimes triples in hardness.  Sometimes when I hear people in the community say that verbal Autistic's & High Functioning Autistic's shouldn't be on the same spectrum I cringe.  I get in arguments, but it's not worth it.  My child may be verbal & he may be super High Functioning, but trust me that doesn't mean that he can communicate easily.  It doesn't mean that every aspect of his life is on the high end of the spectrum.  It doesn't mean that our life is easier than others.  We all have struggles & all of our children have gifts & they all have challenges. It's never an easy road & I've understood that for a while now.  I know our journey with Logan is just beginning & I wish I could say it was going to get easier.  It's probably not, it's most likely going to have it's ups & downs & retraining & behavior modifications just like the past.  I guess maybe that's why I shared our day with you, because I wanted you to understand what it's really about.  Being on the spectrum isn't always what it seems & the children don't always look like what you expect.  So next time someone tells you their child is on the spectrum offer compassion, offer friendship, offer a shoulder and remember Logan, what he seems like on a good day & what he can be like on an off day.  

Some things change, while others remain the same

So here it is 2012 & I neglected to write my Christmas blog or New Years blog.  I meant to blog about the importance that Christmas held for me.  I wanted to write this amazing blog recapping 2011 & all the major life changes that we had endured.  I wanted to blog about this new found faith & how for the first time in my life I was sure of myself & God's plans for me although I don't have a clue what those plans might be.  I wanted to blog about the amazing peace I have found, but as my title says...Some things change, while yet others remain the same.  Well, this is one of those things that remain the same.  The New Years came and has gone & I haven't had two minutes to sit down & write. Life happened as it always does.  That's okay though, I'm not going to stress over it.  I know it my heart what has happened this past year.  I know the joys we have shared, I know the struggles we have endured.  I know it all, it's etched in my heart & in my mind forever.

So somethings change for the better, like learning to live content in this season of my life.  Like a growing faith & relationship with my Lord and Savior.  Like realizing that I was not intended to be perfect so any expectation  on my part of perfection was simply setting myself up for failure. Like learning that I have to stop & be thankful so much than I have been in the past.  Learning to lead my children to the Lord & watching their faith grow & develop. Learning what being a mother, wife, and friend is really all about.  Really learning that while I know much there is always more to learn.  Yes, somethings change for the better.

Somethings stay the same.  Like yesterday when we went to The Children's Museum with the kids & my in laws.  Logan who lately seems to be like any other normal 8 year old boy with some qwirks never really changes.  At times he seems to have changed or maybe its just that I am so use to him.  Either way, yesterday was a reminder of life with a special needs child.  So often we hear from friends or family how he just seems so normal & how they can't imagine that something is actually wrong with him.  Maybe the doctors are wrong.  It hurts, but you get use to people being  insensitive & to these types of comments realizing that they don't mean harm (well some do, but you really ignore those).  It's nice to know that all of our hard work & Logan's hard work at therapy has paid off & that for the most part he's just a little odd to the outside world.  Then a day like yesterday happens & I suddenly am reminded just how "special" Logan really is.  A day like yesterday happens & I wish I had a recorder so that I could replay the day, well really 1 1/2 hours that he lasted, for everyone to see.  I wish I could shout at them & say "Really...does this resemble normal?  Am I really making it all up??"  Instead I shook my head & I made it through that hour and half.  I kept my cool when everyone around us was not thinking cool was the thing to be.  I kept control of my very over stimulated, unaware child.  I removed him when the time came that he couldn't control even a finger of himself anymore.   I handled his siblings that didn't understand why we had to leave just because Logan was having an issue.  I handled it so well, that we avoided Kolby's tears & even a little understanding on his part when he told Logan "Well, maybe next time you won't be so crazy Buddy"  I handled the situation that was presented before me so that everyone that was with us stayed calm & didn't lose their cool.  And while Eric was letting the boys around the waterfront park, I even took a deep breath & thought "Yep, God gives children like Logan to really special moms because kids like Logan really need a mom like me"  It wasn't the same pitty party I would normal have.  Nope it wasn't like that at all.  I even managed to walk back inside & ask if they ever have sensory friendly times for kids who maybe a little extra sensitive.  I looked at the situation, realized that I could ask Why Me? or I could just accept that God knows what he's doing. Logan is mine to help me grow just as much as I am suppose to help him grow.  I now realize that while somethings like Logan can't change our attitudes can change for the better.  Logan is hardwired that way & he's always going to have really challenging moments.  We on the other hand aren't hardwired to see negative, we can choose to see God's grace & blessings in all things around us.  The bottom line is that although he is challenging, super challenging at times, he is ours to love & care for.   He is a blessing to our family, one that we will all be the better for having.  He's also going to teach Eric & I so much about ourselves.  Kolby & Emily are going to grow to be so awesome & understanding of others because they love their brother & they will learn to understand his struggles.  They will be sad with him when he struggles, but they will celebrate with him when he succeeds as only his siblings can.  After all, aren't they really a part of him just as much as he is a part of them.   We are a family & while somethings can't change, somethings can and hopefully for the better.  Happy 2012, here's to a new year & new adventures.

That Something Big....

is finally becoming apparent to me.  A couple of months back I started really researching churches in our area.  As I am really quite embarrassed to admit we hadn't been to church in over a year & really in the couple of years before that only once or twice.  I just wasn't getting anything from church & I was dragging the boys kicking & screaming to sit in a cry room during a mass that I could barely pay attention to because I was dealing with the kids.  Some people hassled me to find a church we liked, while others told me not to worry about it.  They tried to explain that as the kids got older it would be easier to go to church.  The truth is that at first I would use the kids as an excuse, but in reality I just wasn't getting anything out of church.  I was annoyed in a big way.  I could feel something in our lives missing & I couldn't find what I was looking for.  So back to a couple of months ago.  I had been doing a lot of reading & I was listening to a great podcast from a pastor in TX so in a lot of ways I was getting church.  I started to realize that my family on the other hand was not getting what I was getting & it was something that we all needed.  So I started reading websites for all the local churches.  I wasn't going to limit myself to Catholic Churches & I was really going to let God lead me to where he wanted me to be.  I prayed & prayed about it and finally I felt guided to start really looking into churches.  I didn't know what I was doing, I had never done this before.  I figured that if a website turned me off  then most likely I wasn't going to like the church.  If I like the website, I gave the number a call.  I figured if I was totally turned off by the person on the other end of the line then I was most likely not going to like the church.  I did this for a couple of days & finally I found a church.  Starting Pointe Church is a small non denominational church that is held right by our house.  I liked the website, I liked it a whole lot.  I felt pulled to the website, like I had to keep going back and reading the same thing over & over again.  I finally called the pastor, Pastor Jeff.  I don't know what it was, but I felt like I had found a home.  I felt peace talking to him.  I felt God talking to me in my heart.  I knew this was the place that God had been leading me to, but now I had to break the news to Eric.  I wasn't sure how it was going to go over with him.  He's always been pretty darn serious about the fact that we are Catholic & that we are staying Catholic.  I prayed that God would just open his heart & mind to this new experience because I really felt in my heart that this is where God was leading me.  I finally felt ready to tell Eric....& to my surprise he was really, really open to this idea that I had.  He was willing to give it a one time try.  We decided to try this new church on Easter Sunday.  I figured that if I didn't like you on Easter, I wasn't going to like you the rest of the year.  So we told the boys about this new church & I really talked it up to this awesome wonderful place.  Lucky for me, Mrs. Tracy makes it such a place.  And even luckier for me, Easter Sunday was awesome & Eric walked out of there offering to give it 4 more weeks.  What the heck he said, it's a five week sermon series, RIGHT???  My prayers were being answered right before my eyes.  From the moment we had walked in I knew we were finally home.  Maybe it was the lady at the door, who forgive me I can't recall her name, who was so very friendly & welcoming.  Maybe it was Mrs. Tracy who leads the kids church who was so warm & welcoming.  The way she took my children & eased my greatest fears when I mentioned that Logan had ADHD & Aspergers.  She didn't flinch, she didn't seem disturbed...no instead she said don't worry about it, he'll be fine with the most reassuring smile I have ever seen.  Maybe it was Pastor Jeff and the way he shook our hands & welcomed us to his church.  Maybe it was the way Pastor Jeff preached & just how real he really was.  Maybe it was the way that I finally felt like someone wanted to talk to me & not down at me.  I don't know why within minutes of being there I felt like I had finally found a home for our family, but I did & that's what is the most important thing.  I am not going to lie, it was a huge change for us.  I loved it, Eric looked a little disturbed.  I prayed & prayed through that entire service that God would just continue to open his heart & mind to this new experience.  By the time we had left, I knew that we had to come back, I couldn't wait to come back.  We collected our kids & they begged to come back...the very next day.  We explained that we couldn't & only a promise to come back next week settled them down.  It was all coming together.  The next week was just as great, even better.  They remembered our kids, they remembered our names.  They were happy to see us again.  We felt welcomed, like we belonged.  On my birthday, Pastor Jeff remembered it was my birthday & when he wished me a Happy Birthday I knew why I loved this place so much.  So here we are five weeks later & Eric loves it just as much as me.  Okay well maybe he's not as in love with it as I am, but he'll get there.  I can tell that he's getting something out of it & for a man of such little words sometimes he says some pretty interesting things about church & Pastor Jeff.  The kids hearts are on fire for the Lord & they can't get enough.  They are always looking to learn more.  Kolby loves listening to The Message with me on XM & he is always singing the songs that he has learned.  We are going to dedicate Emily to the Lord at the end of July.  I just feel like everything is right, like things are falling into place for us as far as church life is concerned.  I've always considered myself a Christian, but I was always a little jealous of those that were so consumed by their faith.  I am starting to understand what it means to live like Jesus.  I am starting to understand how one's heart can be on fire for the Lord.  My heart is open to the Lord & to what he telling me.  I am listening to him & he is guiding me.  I am following him blindly.  Don't get me wrong, I am so far from perfect & I slip all the time, but I am trying with all my heart to be as the Lord would have me be.  I don't know why he has placed me here at Starting Pointe, but I know that eventually he will show me the rest of his plan.  I do believe that this is just the start & he has so much more in store for me.  I know that if this is just a piece of his plan then the rest must be so much more than I could ever imagine.  He has great things in store for us & just knowing that he loves me & will lead me where he wants me to be is enough to keep me going until he is ready to reveal the rest to me.  I am blessed that we found Starting Pointe & that we now have a home to grow our children & ourselves in the way of the Lord.  We are truly blessed.