Yesterday I realized...

...that I was entering my 5th week of homeschooling.  WOW!!!  I hadn't blogged all summer, but that was kind of the plan since I was trying to have fun with the kiddos & I was preparing for a whole new journey.  But...I had planned to blog through my homeschooling journey & now that I'm five weeks in I think I better get started. 

Let me start off by saying that hardly ever do things go as I expect & homeschooling is no different.  The difference is that usually things are much worse than I anticipate & life is seldom easy for me.  Homeschooling has been this amazingly, wonderful, beautiful journey.  It is so blessed by God that I sometimes I look in the mirror & I can't believe that this is me or that I am actually doing this.  Like for instance, it's lunch break right now.  I am sitting at my computer typing my thoughts (while eating some noodles) & the kids are watching a show eating their lunch.  There is no yelling, no screaming, no fighting.  It's just a quiet, peaceful sound.  For the most part this is how our days have been.  Not the watching TV part, but the quiet, peaceful sound part :)  Now, let me say right now, upfront, I am in NO WAY, NO HOW trying to say our days have been perfect.  We have had our ups & downs.  We have had changing it up a bit, changing what we are learning & changing how we are learning for that matter.  BUT...it has all been smooth & much easier than expected. 

For those that read my blog, you know Logan has "those days" where things are difficult.  Well let me confess, I anticipated many of "those days" & even rougher days than that for the first several months while we adjusted.  I expected him to fight me, argue with me, beyond test my limits.  I anticipated that he would tell me how much he hated homeschool and that he wanted to go back to school. (We had previously agreed this wasn't happening) The kid hasn't lived up to the first expectation I had & that is a GIFT FROM GOD!  That is God saying "I told you I would take care of things if you just let me lead".  Logan has been amazing, in fact so good that I can't believe it's my boy most days.  Its such an affirmation that this was the best choice for Logan.  He needed this, he needed homeschool.  He is so not afraid to work & work hard he does.  He just needed to be allowed to work hard the way he works.  I am learning so many new things with him & just seeing him in such a different light that it's blessing me in ways untold.  As for Emily, she is doing amazing.  She is so stinking smart that some days she amazes me in ways that I can't believe.  We really struggled with the homeschooling her vs. putting her in VPK this year.  We made the decision, but then I went back in forth several times in my head & in my heart.  I just worried that I was pushing her too hard by starting Kindergarten when she hadn't been to preschool.  But I heard the voice pushing us in this direction & so I stuck with our initial decision.  (Shh...don't tell, but I still didn't cancel her VPK enrollment until the start of Aug) I am so glad that I listened to the voice because she was so ready for Kindergarten.  She is doing so much, writing so much, reading so much, spelling so math, getting ready to start addition, she's learning all about herself & her community.  Most importantly, she is comprehending everything and retelling to others what she is doing.  It makes my heart smile.  I can't believe how much she is capable of & I know that there is no other way to educate her than to homeschool her.  I know we have made the right decision for both of our children & I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds.  As for Kolby, he's doing great & he's having an awesome year.  He loves his teachers, but then again who doesn't.  Ms. Gibson & Ms. Hernandez, simply put, are the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, God fearing ladies I have ever met within the school system (but also in life).  Trust me when I say, children are blessed by them teaching.  But, it's been hard on Kolby & on me that he's not home with us.  We did a special for 9/11 and I let him stay home with us.  He really flourished in that environment too.  He has asked to stay home this year, but I prayed and I know in my heart that God wants him in school this year.  My plan is to homeschool him next year, but when the time comes I have to have faith that God will tell me where Kolby needs to be, regardless of what Kolby or I think. 

The main thing I have realized this year so far is that I really am capable of doing anything through Christ & that with him I am made strong.  It's hard to believe that I am doing this, but I am & it's working amazingly.  I don't know why I ignored this calling for so many years.  I don't know why I felt so fearful.  I realize that God just kept putting more & more things in place so that I could no longer deny this calling.  I feel at peace with our choices & I feel at peace with who I am right now & who I am becoming.  I realize that all the trails & struggles were preparing us for this moment.  They were preparing Logan so that he would be ready for this.  All the struggles with Logan prepared me to be even more confident in my choices with Emily.  I've always said raising Emily was like raising a female version of Logan.  They are so much alike that it can actually be scary.  In some ways it breaks my heart.  I see how well Emily is doing.  I see how much she is learning, how she is growing & how her confidence is soaring every day.  I know that's because of how she is learning & the way I am approaching her in lessons.  I realize that Logan would have done so well at home from the start.  He should have never entered the school system.  They beat him down, they broke his spirit, they took what could have been amazing and turned it into hurt & sadness.  I see my little girl & I think what he might have been.  I think how sad he must have been in class when he was in trouble, for being himself & for being to smart in a system that can't handle it.  They tore away at him piece by piece & they made him hate school & learning.  They made him think questions weren't okay.  They broke him like no child should be broken by education.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry over these thoughts.  I feel in so many ways like I failed him.  I know that in the end he will be okay.  I know that because he had those really amazing teachers I mentioned above, Ms. Gibson and Ms. Hernandez.  They loved on my boy, they told him he was so smart, that he could do anything.  They built him up with such love & belief that he could do it.  They made him want to learn, made him want to ask questions, made him see being smart was really okay.  They made him understand that being him was also a really good thing.  They helped fix what had been broken.  So I know he'll be okay & I pray that through homeschooling we will help him become all that God wants him to be.  And though our future looks bright, I still have a hard time not looking back and thinking  what if?  But with God we have to keep our eyes forward & on the cross. When we do that we remember that he has always loved us, that he will always love us & that he has the perfect plans for us when we allow him to dream for us. 

While I realize that there were some people out there who doubted my ability to do this & do it successfully, there are also some pretty special people out there who were rooting for me & praying for our success.  The difference between the 2 groups of people, the first group didn't account for God & his calling me to this.  The number one lesson I keep learning over and over again is, if God calls me to something then he is going to qualify me to do it.  That second group of people, well, they kept preaching that lesson to me over & over again.  So here I am, successful because I am being qualified by God who called me here & blessed me for following his path. 

So that's a little bit of the ups.  Tomorrow a little bit of the learning curve that we have experienced &  a whole lot of pictures of what we have been doing.

Walking this journey with Christ by my side,
Andrea

A Miracle....

...yep a MIRACLE that's what it is.  There's really no other way to explain it...I guess to explain though I have to actually start at the beginning.  Last year when Kolby has his annual (the apt that goes along with his birthday) appointment with Hematology (for his Hemophilia) we discussed why he kept having the same bleed on his forehead.  It had been going on for over a month & he had been infused 3 times in the past 30 days.  We were scared & we had heard some pretty disturbing things.  Kolby's hemophilia up to that point had been mild & was really under control.  Now we had seen several doctors & more than one had thrown around the idea that an inhibitor was developing.  This was not good...it was downright horrible & scary.  The dr. drew some blood & re-ran all his numbers plus some blood work to check for inhibitors.  She also mentioned that the last blood work that had been down was from the previous year when we had done his test for a drug to see how he responded to it & that those numbers had been unexpectedly high, but she was sure it was due to the stress of all day blood draws.  Eric later explained that Kolby had done nothing short of screamed all day long...which would explain higher numbers.  So we had his blood drawn & I put it out of my mind.  The blood was going to 2 different locations & I wouldn't have results for a month.  If I had learned one thing with Kolby & the hemophilia it was to enjoy each day because you never knew if tomorrow something might happen that would change your life.  Well a month later our lives changed in a big way.  I got a call from our nurse and she explained that Kolby's factor numbers indicated that Kolby did not in fact have Hemophilia.  I was stunned, shocked, confused & so many other emotions.  She tried to explain that his initial lab work must have been wrong (all 4 draws done 3 months apart for the first year) and how she was sure that they had a handful of kids who had been misdiagnosed at the same time.  She couldn't explain away all the bleeds that he had been treated for since birth because there was not explanation, at least not one I was buying.  She then said that our dr. wanted to watch Kolby for the next year & for us to keep a journal of all his bleeds for a year & then we would retest & reevaluate what was going on with Kolby, but for sure he didn't have hemophilia.  It was so much to take in & so much uncertainty that we decided to tell our parents, family, & a couple of close friends.  As you may not have realized I haven't posted once this past year about Kolby & hemophilia.  That is because since the time I got that call from our nurse to now Kolby has not exhibited one sign or symptom of any bleeding disorder.  His head healed & since then he hasn't had another thing happen.  Now he has been hurt many, many times as boys his age will do.  His tooth was jarred lose with Logan's foot, almost lost the tooth but as far as bleeding nothing more than a normal kid, maybe less.  He has had his head hit with kick balls & nothing more than a normal knot.  His mouth was completely cut open with a huge hole & it bleed, but still nothing more than one might expect.  His lips been busted,  his nose has bleed...I could go on & on.  The point is things that would have caused us craziness for weeks on end a couple years back were now not needing more than a blink of the eye.  I've gotten to the point that I treat him like any other kid because that's what he has become...any other kid.  But if I'm being truthful Aug was starting and while i should have been pumped up to go & tell the dr what the last year had held for us I was terrified.  I was scared it was all a dream, I was scared she was going to say opps we made a mistake...he has hemophilia because it doesn't go away...NOT EVER!  Eric made me make our appointment after I had put it off for a while.  Well today was the day & although I didn't show concern or fear I was really nervous.  In my heart I know what happened with Kolby, but I didn't want to hear some dr. tell me something else.    We went in & we talked about the past year.  She was very pleased & explained that it's what one would expect with his current factor level...hmmm did she say current?  Yes she did...because next we talked about his levels when he was born & when he was one & when he was 3.  We talked about our past & all the bleeds we had been through...none as major as the one in 2009 that landed him in the hospital for 2 days & 40cc's of blood in his head.  She was honest when she said that she would never say this child didn't have hemophilia.  We had blood work & bleed events to prove it.  Nothing in 4 years indicated that Kolby was misdiagnosed.  But at the same time nothing currently indicated that Kolby still had hemophilia.  She said she would not make excuses, she would not take away what we had been through, she would not give us reasons that didn't seem logical.  She said she didn't know, but sometimes medicine doesn't have the answers and you have to look somewhere else.  She said you just have to be happy with the end results.  I told her I knew what had happened with Kolby & I didn't really care what others thought.  I just cared that he was healed & that he could now live his life as a normal kid.  It was a miracle, we all agreed on that.  So while I haven't really talked about it in the past year, I now feel confident enough to talk about our story.  Often I hear people say God doesn't do miracles anymore, but I know miracles still happen.  They may be small or they may be huge.  It may be making sure you caught a red light so that your family was the car that got hit by the semi or it may be healing a little boy so that he can live a normal life.  We just have to stop & give God the credit for what he has done.  I wasn't sure a year ago that Kolby had been healed...I yelled at my mom when she said that.  My friend mentioned it was a miracle & I told her to stop.  I said it was a medical error that had caused the problem and now we had to figure out what was wrong with him & causing all his bleeds.  I was skeptical & very reserved.  I didn't want to tell anyone or say anything.  I should have been praising God from the rooftops.  I should have been telling everyone I had contact with that God does in fact answer prayers.  I guess when I didn't acknowledge him like I should have he nudged me a little more and gave me a year with no issues and no problems.  He gave me a year where I could not deny what had happened.  He gave me a year to ready my heart so that I could spread his good word.  He gave me a year and now I am ready...miracles do happen.  They happened to us, it happened to Kolby.  I saw a little boy go from bleeding way to easy to being fine.  My little boy was healed by the hand of God.  You may think I am crazy...but trust me my friend, even his dr has said there's not another explanation.  Why should I look for one?