The woman I want to be....

instead of the woman that I am is a very pressing issue in my life right now.  It seems so odd to me that at 32 years old I am still struggling with who I am.  I always thought that by now I would know who I was & would have made a strong statement about myself.  Instead I find that at 32 I know who I want to be, I just struggle to get there.  In my early 20's when I got married & had Logan I thought I knew who I wanted to be.  I knew that I was strong & independent.  I actually did make a pretty loud statement in my house about the woman that I was and intended to be.  I'm actually really embarrassed by that woman & by the fact that I thought it was acceptable.  I know more than once I stepped way out of line & hurt my husband to prove to him that I didn't really need him.  I seldom acknowledged that I loved him dearly & that I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  Looking back now, I don't understand how he stuck around.  I was a stay at home mom who didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't grocery shop, didn't pay bills, didn't wash clothes or dishes and once my husband got home from work I didn't take care of the baby either.  WOW...that's so embarrassing.  By the time Kolby came along I might have started doing some of this stuff, but not much & not all the time.  Besides that I was always stepping on my husbands toes & making sure he knew just where he was on my list...sadly it was not super high where he belonged.  I was probably one of the worst wives ever.  I wish I could say that our marriage didn't suffer, but that would be a lie.  I mean honestly who wants to be treated that way & live that life?   Life got rocky for me after my grandmother passed away & I saw this side to my loving husband that was so new and amazing to me.  The year kept getting rockier for us as my oldest son started to have some real issues at school & at home.  My mom was sick that summer & by the end of the year I was going through some major medical  test not sure what the outcome would be.  My husband was amazing & was so supportive.  I realized I had this amazing new found love for  him & I really wanted to be a better wife.  I wanted to be the wife that he deserved.  I started doing more things around the house & trying to be nicer to him.  Overall it was a good attempt at being better, but I wasn't getting to where I wanted to be.  I don't think that I even realized who I wanted to be because I felt like I would have to give up who I was to get there.

 After a long journey that God has taken me on I have figured out that I want to be that Proverbs 31 Woman.  I want to be her, I need to be her.  I recently started reading a book called The Proverbs 31 Woman: One Virtue At A Time by Courtney Joseph.  I have always enjoyed reading Courtney's blog Women Living Well & it has really helped me realize the woman & wife that I want to be.  Between her blog & now this book my eyes have been opened & I finally feel like I have an end to work towards in this journey of the woman I want to be.

 Today the reading was about the trust that a husband has for his wife.  In Proverbs 31:11 it says The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain (ESV)   In the book Courtney says " A husband who has a wife who is solid emotionally and spiritually can rest on his wife's steady support."  She goes on to ask if your husband can trust you in these areas:

1. Money - Can he depend on you to spend it wisely?
2. Children - Can he trust you to train your children wisely?
3. Home - Can he trust you to run an orderly home?
4. Reputation - Can he trust you to not speak poorly of him behind his back?
5. Faithfulness - Can your husband trust you to not build emotional connections with other men?
6. Emotions - Can your husband trust you to be self - controlled when under pressure?
7. Choices - Can your husband trust you to make wise choices when urgent situations arise?

I had to really sit & think about these questions.  When we answer them for others we can say & possibly believe whatever we want.  But when it's just you & God having the discussion there's no purpose in being anything other than truthful.  I mean he already knows the truth...there's really no lying to God.   So while some of these are very simple to answer, Yes my husband can trust me 100%  there are others that I know need work.  I know that I need to change & work harder on being more trustworthy.  And while some of the things I need to work on I already pray about daily, some of the others I need to work on hadn't even crossed my mind.  I think we all get stuck in this journey & if we aren't walking with the Lord & following his word then we get stuck until we ask for his help.  I know I spent a lot of time this morning letting my guard down & asking for help.  I desperately want to be this woman, I want to be this wife. I want to know that my husband has full trust for me in his heart & knows that he can rest on my solid support.  And I cried out to the Lord to help me accomplish this.  The good news is that I felt so much better & I know that God can change me & God can change my heart.  He loves the impossible & he loves me.  I am so ready for this journey & I am so ready for this transformation, regardless of how hard or painful it may be.  And the even better news is that I know this journey I'm walking, I'm never walking it alone.   How awesome is that?

I hope you have a Wonderful Wednesday & if you want to check out the blog that inspires me daily go ahead and click the link below.

Some things change, while others remain the same

So here it is 2012 & I neglected to write my Christmas blog or New Years blog.  I meant to blog about the importance that Christmas held for me.  I wanted to write this amazing blog recapping 2011 & all the major life changes that we had endured.  I wanted to blog about this new found faith & how for the first time in my life I was sure of myself & God's plans for me although I don't have a clue what those plans might be.  I wanted to blog about the amazing peace I have found, but as my title says...Some things change, while yet others remain the same.  Well, this is one of those things that remain the same.  The New Years came and has gone & I haven't had two minutes to sit down & write. Life happened as it always does.  That's okay though, I'm not going to stress over it.  I know it my heart what has happened this past year.  I know the joys we have shared, I know the struggles we have endured.  I know it all, it's etched in my heart & in my mind forever.

So somethings change for the better, like learning to live content in this season of my life.  Like a growing faith & relationship with my Lord and Savior.  Like realizing that I was not intended to be perfect so any expectation  on my part of perfection was simply setting myself up for failure. Like learning that I have to stop & be thankful so much than I have been in the past.  Learning to lead my children to the Lord & watching their faith grow & develop. Learning what being a mother, wife, and friend is really all about.  Really learning that while I know much there is always more to learn.  Yes, somethings change for the better.

Somethings stay the same.  Like yesterday when we went to The Children's Museum with the kids & my in laws.  Logan who lately seems to be like any other normal 8 year old boy with some qwirks never really changes.  At times he seems to have changed or maybe its just that I am so use to him.  Either way, yesterday was a reminder of life with a special needs child.  So often we hear from friends or family how he just seems so normal & how they can't imagine that something is actually wrong with him.  Maybe the doctors are wrong.  It hurts, but you get use to people being  insensitive & to these types of comments realizing that they don't mean harm (well some do, but you really ignore those).  It's nice to know that all of our hard work & Logan's hard work at therapy has paid off & that for the most part he's just a little odd to the outside world.  Then a day like yesterday happens & I suddenly am reminded just how "special" Logan really is.  A day like yesterday happens & I wish I had a recorder so that I could replay the day, well really 1 1/2 hours that he lasted, for everyone to see.  I wish I could shout at them & say "Really...does this resemble normal?  Am I really making it all up??"  Instead I shook my head & I made it through that hour and half.  I kept my cool when everyone around us was not thinking cool was the thing to be.  I kept control of my very over stimulated, unaware child.  I removed him when the time came that he couldn't control even a finger of himself anymore.   I handled his siblings that didn't understand why we had to leave just because Logan was having an issue.  I handled it so well, that we avoided Kolby's tears & even a little understanding on his part when he told Logan "Well, maybe next time you won't be so crazy Buddy"  I handled the situation that was presented before me so that everyone that was with us stayed calm & didn't lose their cool.  And while Eric was letting the boys around the waterfront park, I even took a deep breath & thought "Yep, God gives children like Logan to really special moms because kids like Logan really need a mom like me"  It wasn't the same pitty party I would normal have.  Nope it wasn't like that at all.  I even managed to walk back inside & ask if they ever have sensory friendly times for kids who maybe a little extra sensitive.  I looked at the situation, realized that I could ask Why Me? or I could just accept that God knows what he's doing. Logan is mine to help me grow just as much as I am suppose to help him grow.  I now realize that while somethings like Logan can't change our attitudes can change for the better.  Logan is hardwired that way & he's always going to have really challenging moments.  We on the other hand aren't hardwired to see negative, we can choose to see God's grace & blessings in all things around us.  The bottom line is that although he is challenging, super challenging at times, he is ours to love & care for.   He is a blessing to our family, one that we will all be the better for having.  He's also going to teach Eric & I so much about ourselves.  Kolby & Emily are going to grow to be so awesome & understanding of others because they love their brother & they will learn to understand his struggles.  They will be sad with him when he struggles, but they will celebrate with him when he succeeds as only his siblings can.  After all, aren't they really a part of him just as much as he is a part of them.   We are a family & while somethings can't change, somethings can and hopefully for the better.  Happy 2012, here's to a new year & new adventures.

Hmmm....

Well I was writing something that I have been thinking about for awhile, but when I started it just didn't come out like I wanted it to.  I wasn't able to get across what I wanted to say in a meaningful way.  I wanted people to think about what I was saying & possibly make a change in their own lives.  Today just wasn't that day.  Oh well, it is saved in the draft section & maybe in a couple of days I will be more inspired to return to it.  I do know that I won't post it until it is just right, even if I change it a little at a time.  I wonder if that is what God is doing with me, changing me a little at a time?  He changes me so slowly without me even noticing & then when I finally do notice it is like WoW...I am someone new.  He puts people in my path, both positive & not so positive, & then I have to see the difference between them.  Some of those people wouldn't even realize that I am growing just by knowing them.  That they have made me look at myself & made me want to be a better person.  Sometimes it is because I see the person I want to be in them.  Sometimes it is because I feel like I am looking into a mirror & I don't like what I see.  I know that in the coming months I have some really hard choices to make because I have grown & changed.  I know that I will hurt some people, but I have to do what I know is best.  I know that I can't love the Lord the way that I am meant to if I surround myself with negative forces.  I have to love him completely & as he deserves to be loved.  I feel like I really need to surround myself with positive, pure forces so that I can be open to the Lord's love in my life.  Hatred, anger, gossip, jealousy...these are not the work of the Lord, they are Satan's work & him pulling me towards him.  If someone is bringing these things into my life then I need to be strong enough to walk away from that relationship.  I want to be a better person, but not just better.  I want to be the best me that I can be because if I am not being the best me possible, then I am not being the me that God created.  Here's to change & growth one day at a time.