...that I was entering my 5th week of homeschooling. WOW!!! I hadn't blogged all summer, but that was kind of the plan since I was trying to have fun with the kiddos & I was preparing for a whole new journey. But...I had planned to blog through my homeschooling journey & now that I'm five weeks in I think I better get started.
Let me start off by saying that hardly ever do things go as I expect & homeschooling is no different. The difference is that usually things are much worse than I anticipate & life is seldom easy for me. Homeschooling has been this amazingly, wonderful, beautiful journey. It is so blessed by God that I sometimes I look in the mirror & I can't believe that this is me or that I am actually doing this. Like for instance, it's lunch break right now. I am sitting at my computer typing my thoughts (while eating some noodles) & the kids are watching a show eating their lunch. There is no yelling, no screaming, no fighting. It's just a quiet, peaceful sound. For the most part this is how our days have been. Not the watching TV part, but the quiet, peaceful sound part :) Now, let me say right now, upfront, I am in NO WAY, NO HOW trying to say our days have been perfect. We have had our ups & downs. We have had changing it up a bit, changing what we are learning & changing how we are learning for that matter. BUT...it has all been smooth & much easier than expected.
For those that read my blog, you know Logan has "those days" where things are difficult. Well let me confess, I anticipated many of "those days" & even rougher days than that for the first several months while we adjusted. I expected him to fight me, argue with me, beyond test my limits. I anticipated that he would tell me how much he hated homeschool and that he wanted to go back to school. (We had previously agreed this wasn't happening) The kid hasn't lived up to the first expectation I had & that is a GIFT FROM GOD! That is God saying "I told you I would take care of things if you just let me lead". Logan has been amazing, in fact so good that I can't believe it's my boy most days. Its such an affirmation that this was the best choice for Logan. He needed this, he needed homeschool. He is so not afraid to work & work hard he does. He just needed to be allowed to work hard the way he works. I am learning so many new things with him & just seeing him in such a different light that it's blessing me in ways untold. As for Emily, she is doing amazing. She is so stinking smart that some days she amazes me in ways that I can't believe. We really struggled with the homeschooling her vs. putting her in VPK this year. We made the decision, but then I went back in forth several times in my head & in my heart. I just worried that I was pushing her too hard by starting Kindergarten when she hadn't been to preschool. But I heard the voice pushing us in this direction & so I stuck with our initial decision. (Shh...don't tell, but I still didn't cancel her VPK enrollment until the start of Aug) I am so glad that I listened to the voice because she was so ready for Kindergarten. She is doing so much, writing so much, reading so much, spelling so math, getting ready to start addition, she's learning all about herself & her community. Most importantly, she is comprehending everything and retelling to others what she is doing. It makes my heart smile. I can't believe how much she is capable of & I know that there is no other way to educate her than to homeschool her. I know we have made the right decision for both of our children & I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds. As for Kolby, he's doing great & he's having an awesome year. He loves his teachers, but then again who doesn't. Ms. Gibson & Ms. Hernandez, simply put, are the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, God fearing ladies I have ever met within the school system (but also in life). Trust me when I say, children are blessed by them teaching. But, it's been hard on Kolby & on me that he's not home with us. We did a special for 9/11 and I let him stay home with us. He really flourished in that environment too. He has asked to stay home this year, but I prayed and I know in my heart that God wants him in school this year. My plan is to homeschool him next year, but when the time comes I have to have faith that God will tell me where Kolby needs to be, regardless of what Kolby or I think.
The main thing I have realized this year so far is that I really am capable of doing anything through Christ & that with him I am made strong. It's hard to believe that I am doing this, but I am & it's working amazingly. I don't know why I ignored this calling for so many years. I don't know why I felt so fearful. I realize that God just kept putting more & more things in place so that I could no longer deny this calling. I feel at peace with our choices & I feel at peace with who I am right now & who I am becoming. I realize that all the trails & struggles were preparing us for this moment. They were preparing Logan so that he would be ready for this. All the struggles with Logan prepared me to be even more confident in my choices with Emily. I've always said raising Emily was like raising a female version of Logan. They are so much alike that it can actually be scary. In some ways it breaks my heart. I see how well Emily is doing. I see how much she is learning, how she is growing & how her confidence is soaring every day. I know that's because of how she is learning & the way I am approaching her in lessons. I realize that Logan would have done so well at home from the start. He should have never entered the school system. They beat him down, they broke his spirit, they took what could have been amazing and turned it into hurt & sadness. I see my little girl & I think what he might have been. I think how sad he must have been in class when he was in trouble, for being himself & for being to smart in a system that can't handle it. They tore away at him piece by piece & they made him hate school & learning. They made him think questions weren't okay. They broke him like no child should be broken by education. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry over these thoughts. I feel in so many ways like I failed him. I know that in the end he will be okay. I know that because he had those really amazing teachers I mentioned above, Ms. Gibson and Ms. Hernandez. They loved on my boy, they told him he was so smart, that he could do anything. They built him up with such love & belief that he could do it. They made him want to learn, made him want to ask questions, made him see being smart was really okay. They made him understand that being him was also a really good thing. They helped fix what had been broken. So I know he'll be okay & I pray that through homeschooling we will help him become all that God wants him to be. And though our future looks bright, I still have a hard time not looking back and thinking what if? But with God we have to keep our eyes forward & on the cross. When we do that we remember that he has always loved us, that he will always love us & that he has the perfect plans for us when we allow him to dream for us.
While I realize that there were some people out there who doubted my ability to do this & do it successfully, there are also some pretty special people out there who were rooting for me & praying for our success. The difference between the 2 groups of people, the first group didn't account for God & his calling me to this. The number one lesson I keep learning over and over again is, if God calls me to something then he is going to qualify me to do it. That second group of people, well, they kept preaching that lesson to me over & over again. So here I am, successful because I am being qualified by God who called me here & blessed me for following his path.
So that's a little bit of the ups. Tomorrow a little bit of the learning curve that we have experienced & a whole lot of pictures of what we have been doing.
Walking this journey with Christ by my side,
Andrea
Showing posts with label Growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Growth. Show all posts
9.15.2014
9.03.2012
Some days are just like that, even in Australia
It never has surprised me that one of Logan's most favorite books is Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst. I mean he can so totally relate to Alexander & how some days nothing seems to go right. For Logan, yesterday was one of those days. It was just really a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY! It was a day that tore at him & left him so sad, so confused, & so anxious that he had a hard time even playing. It was a day that tore my heart right out of my chest. It was the kind of day that you would give anything to make it better for your child & and no matter what you say or what you do it's not going to get better. It was the kind of day that we have been having more & more of lately. I don't often talk about it with people outside of my very close circle of support because I don't want the judgement or the opinions that come with it. I don't talk about it because honestly I don't feel it's anyone's business what goes on in our house or with our family. But the fact is that last night while I was laying in my bed long after midnight I was thinking of the words that I could use to blog about the day. Usually when I am laying in bed & my head is typing a blog it's God putting the words on my heart. It's God saying you need to share this because it's important. So while I don't usually share these types of days, I feel compelled to share. I'll leave it up to God to handle the judgement & opinions...he obviously felt it was worth it.
Yesterday started with us picking up the boys for church. It was their first time going to Grace Family Church, which they loved by the way. I thought Logan would be overwhelmed by all the people and the way kids church was ran, but he came out begging to go back & said he loved it..."even the really loud music mom" Maybe in the grand scheme of things he was a little overwhelmed & I just didn't pick up on it. We went back to my mom's house & the boys were playing for a bit. Finally my sister & Justin arrived and the kids were so excited to see them (because of course they hadn't seen them in like a whole 18 hours). The boys went outside to play with Justin, my dad, & Eric. Well here's where the anxiety kicked in & from this point forward the day was just painful for anyone who was watching. My parents back yard is flooded about 1/2 of the way to the deck, so if you know the back yard that's a pretty good amount of playing area. The water isn't super deep but it is swamp water from the forest and it's murky. Diesel, my parents dog, started running through the water & the boys were laughing & having a good time. Logan threw the ball at Eric who threw the ball back at Logan who ducked and the ball landed in the water. Oh my, end of the world one. Logan comes inside crying, I mean sobbing hysterically like he's hurt or something. He can't understand why Eric threw the ball in the water. I try to explain that Eric didn't do this on purpose. Logan doesn't get it. Come to find out, the other guys laughed at the whole thing which made Logan even more embarrassed that his ball was in the water. Let's be real here, it's funny. Plain & simple...the guys are playing, ball goes in water, any other kid goes into the water and grabs the ball & keeps playing. Heck, any other kid might just laugh too! Well not Logan because he doesn't get what's funny & he doesn't get that they are laughing with him. He is 100% sure that they are laughing at him. I let him cry it out, sometimes that's all I can do. I try to explain again, but it's just making things worse. I hug him, hold him, love him, he runs away into the other room. Maybe 10minutes later he comes out ready to go back outside to play. The problem is that now we all understand that he's on edge & to say that we should walk on eggshells to prevent the next episode is an understatement. And in reality you can't always walk on eggshells because that's not how life goes when you are a bunch of guys playing around & we aren't doing Logan any favors when we do walk on eggshells. He has to learn to read these cues, to understand that people laugh with you & not at you when they are your friends. It's okay to joke around that's how guys hang out & communicate. I always think it must be extra hard to be Logan because he just doesn't get how guys do things & he's growing into a guy. To make the long day shorter for you let me give you the brief overview. The crying, sobbing, hysterical fits got more often & all of us could sense his great pain & frustration. He couldn't calm himself down, but he didn't want to stop playing so he would stop crying, return to playing & return to crying. The anxiety built up so much that Logan decided that my dad was trying to throw him in the water so he wouldn't leave the deck. We tried to explain that it was okay. My dad showed Logan how he would "pretend" to throw him in the water by swinging Kolby over the water. This freaked Logan out so much & he started shaking & crying all over again. When I explained that it was okay, they were just joking around Logan looked at me & as seriously as he could through all his tears said "it's not funny at all, what if his hands slip and he drops him?" I told him it was okay, I mean that's all I can do as a parent. I can reassure him over & over & over & over again that it's OKAY! The hard part is that he just doesn't get it. He finally calmed down a bit, went downstairs to wash his feet & thought he would squirt my dad with water. My dad played back & acted all mad. It was obvious that he was playing around with Logan, but Logan didn't understand. He freaked out & his anxiety hit it's peak. He was screaming & crying & shaking & running from my dad. Logan went and hid in the trailer & was just shaking there. Eric finally went down & got him. We got Logan in the shower & he calmed down a bit. The shower, oh how it is a magical calm down place for Logan. He was so over done that he couldn't go to sleep. His eyes were bright red, he read a whole book & finally sometime after midnight he fell asleep. I'm sure that I fell asleep much later than him as I laid in bed & recounted our day.
The hard part is that for so long now Logan has just seemed so normal. I mean we know that he's ASD & we accept that, but for a while it's been hard to convince others that it's the right diagnosis. I know that we have always been told that the older he got the harder social things would be for him. I always felt like school was our biggest issue so once we started doing well there...well I guess I thought we were kind of out of the rough patch. I've spent a good portion of the summer in denial about Logan & the changes that I was seeing. He has become super OCD about certain things again & following rules has once again become an overwhelming issue. Hahaha....how many parents complain because their child has an overwhelming issue with the rules...I mean he follows them to a tee & there is no bending them a bit, including anyone who actually lives in the world. Routine & transition are becoming issues again. Not to the extent that we have seen in the past, but you can tell his anxiety level rise whenever something new or out of the norm occurs. Meltdowns are on the rise & this time around they are wherever we happen to be. For us this is a new issue. We didn't deal with public meltdowns last time around so this is a whole new ball game for me. Being that I have some rage issues myself it's really hard when Logan is melting down in public & people decide to stare or make comments. I have to keep my temper under control because if not I'm not teaching Logan the right thing. His meltdowns are also more violent than ever before & they are always geared towards me. While I am honored that he feels that safe with me to let it all out, I wish he had a different way of expressing his love for me! And finally I would have to be blind if I didn't notice just how hard social cues and situations are becoming for him. Sometimes I catch the look of confusion on his face & I can help him out without making it obvious. Sometimes it becomes too much too quickly & I can't save him from the situation. I try to explain things, but you have to be in a situation for the learning experience to occur. Sometimes that's just to late. The pain & frustration for Logan is inevitable. My heart being ripped out is inevitable. I hate this leaning process for all of us. I hate learning that I can't save him from what is going to become a very cruel world.
The good news is that we have made some major progress with Logan this summer. For as hard as it has been & for as hard as it is going to get, I can smile & know that my little guy has made some great growth this summer. He is getting more mature & learning to make better choices. He is learning that his number one choice will always be between his emotions controlling him or he controlling his emotions. He is learning to accept fault & apologize for his actions. He is learning to control his impulses & to be better organized. He has come off of another part of his ADHD meds & is doing awesome in school. Most of all he is learning that sometimes he has to ask for help. This is huge for Logan. It's his biggest accomplishment this summer. In my eyes it shows the biggest growth in maturity. We still have a way to go & I worry constantly about what the next couple of years will bring. I love my little guy & his heart is so darn big. It makes me cry to see him though because he's the type of kid that's going to get picked on & kids are going to bully him. I know the years ahead are going to be tough & I am just so thankful that he has found a good, strong group of friends. I hope that they will stick it out together & be there for each other when it gets tougher. I hope that Logan remembers that he is wonderfully made & on the path that the Lord has set for him. I pray he always remembers that Jesus is walking with him & that all he has to do is ask for help & strength & he will receive it. I pray that I am strong enough to get him through those years when a mommy can't fix everything and heart ache is so very painful. I hope that my love & the love of the Lord will always be enough for him.
It's hard being the mother of any child, but when your child is on the spectrum it doubles & sometimes triples in hardness. Sometimes when I hear people in the community say that verbal Autistic's & High Functioning Autistic's shouldn't be on the same spectrum I cringe. I get in arguments, but it's not worth it. My child may be verbal & he may be super High Functioning, but trust me that doesn't mean that he can communicate easily. It doesn't mean that every aspect of his life is on the high end of the spectrum. It doesn't mean that our life is easier than others. We all have struggles & all of our children have gifts & they all have challenges. It's never an easy road & I've understood that for a while now. I know our journey with Logan is just beginning & I wish I could say it was going to get easier. It's probably not, it's most likely going to have it's ups & downs & retraining & behavior modifications just like the past. I guess maybe that's why I shared our day with you, because I wanted you to understand what it's really about. Being on the spectrum isn't always what it seems & the children don't always look like what you expect. So next time someone tells you their child is on the spectrum offer compassion, offer friendship, offer a shoulder and remember Logan, what he seems like on a good day & what he can be like on an off day.
The good news is that we have made some major progress with Logan this summer. For as hard as it has been & for as hard as it is going to get, I can smile & know that my little guy has made some great growth this summer. He is getting more mature & learning to make better choices. He is learning that his number one choice will always be between his emotions controlling him or he controlling his emotions. He is learning to accept fault & apologize for his actions. He is learning to control his impulses & to be better organized. He has come off of another part of his ADHD meds & is doing awesome in school. Most of all he is learning that sometimes he has to ask for help. This is huge for Logan. It's his biggest accomplishment this summer. In my eyes it shows the biggest growth in maturity. We still have a way to go & I worry constantly about what the next couple of years will bring. I love my little guy & his heart is so darn big. It makes me cry to see him though because he's the type of kid that's going to get picked on & kids are going to bully him. I know the years ahead are going to be tough & I am just so thankful that he has found a good, strong group of friends. I hope that they will stick it out together & be there for each other when it gets tougher. I hope that Logan remembers that he is wonderfully made & on the path that the Lord has set for him. I pray he always remembers that Jesus is walking with him & that all he has to do is ask for help & strength & he will receive it. I pray that I am strong enough to get him through those years when a mommy can't fix everything and heart ache is so very painful. I hope that my love & the love of the Lord will always be enough for him.
It's hard being the mother of any child, but when your child is on the spectrum it doubles & sometimes triples in hardness. Sometimes when I hear people in the community say that verbal Autistic's & High Functioning Autistic's shouldn't be on the same spectrum I cringe. I get in arguments, but it's not worth it. My child may be verbal & he may be super High Functioning, but trust me that doesn't mean that he can communicate easily. It doesn't mean that every aspect of his life is on the high end of the spectrum. It doesn't mean that our life is easier than others. We all have struggles & all of our children have gifts & they all have challenges. It's never an easy road & I've understood that for a while now. I know our journey with Logan is just beginning & I wish I could say it was going to get easier. It's probably not, it's most likely going to have it's ups & downs & retraining & behavior modifications just like the past. I guess maybe that's why I shared our day with you, because I wanted you to understand what it's really about. Being on the spectrum isn't always what it seems & the children don't always look like what you expect. So next time someone tells you their child is on the spectrum offer compassion, offer friendship, offer a shoulder and remember Logan, what he seems like on a good day & what he can be like on an off day.
1.04.2012
Some things change, while others remain the same
So here it is 2012 & I neglected to write my Christmas blog or New Years blog. I meant to blog about the importance that Christmas held for me. I wanted to write this amazing blog recapping 2011 & all the major life changes that we had endured. I wanted to blog about this new found faith & how for the first time in my life I was sure of myself & God's plans for me although I don't have a clue what those plans might be. I wanted to blog about the amazing peace I have found, but as my title says...Some things change, while yet others remain the same. Well, this is one of those things that remain the same. The New Years came and has gone & I haven't had two minutes to sit down & write. Life happened as it always does. That's okay though, I'm not going to stress over it. I know it my heart what has happened this past year. I know the joys we have shared, I know the struggles we have endured. I know it all, it's etched in my heart & in my mind forever.
So somethings change for the better, like learning to live content in this season of my life. Like a growing faith & relationship with my Lord and Savior. Like realizing that I was not intended to be perfect so any expectation on my part of perfection was simply setting myself up for failure. Like learning that I have to stop & be thankful so much than I have been in the past. Learning to lead my children to the Lord & watching their faith grow & develop. Learning what being a mother, wife, and friend is really all about. Really learning that while I know much there is always more to learn. Yes, somethings change for the better.
Somethings stay the same. Like yesterday when we went to The Children's Museum with the kids & my in laws. Logan who lately seems to be like any other normal 8 year old boy with some qwirks never really changes. At times he seems to have changed or maybe its just that I am so use to him. Either way, yesterday was a reminder of life with a special needs child. So often we hear from friends or family how he just seems so normal & how they can't imagine that something is actually wrong with him. Maybe the doctors are wrong. It hurts, but you get use to people being insensitive & to these types of comments realizing that they don't mean harm (well some do, but you really ignore those). It's nice to know that all of our hard work & Logan's hard work at therapy has paid off & that for the most part he's just a little odd to the outside world. Then a day like yesterday happens & I suddenly am reminded just how "special" Logan really is. A day like yesterday happens & I wish I had a recorder so that I could replay the day, well really 1 1/2 hours that he lasted, for everyone to see. I wish I could shout at them & say "Really...does this resemble normal? Am I really making it all up??" Instead I shook my head & I made it through that hour and half. I kept my cool when everyone around us was not thinking cool was the thing to be. I kept control of my very over stimulated, unaware child. I removed him when the time came that he couldn't control even a finger of himself anymore. I handled his siblings that didn't understand why we had to leave just because Logan was having an issue. I handled it so well, that we avoided Kolby's tears & even a little understanding on his part when he told Logan "Well, maybe next time you won't be so crazy Buddy" I handled the situation that was presented before me so that everyone that was with us stayed calm & didn't lose their cool. And while Eric was letting the boys around the waterfront park, I even took a deep breath & thought "Yep, God gives children like Logan to really special moms because kids like Logan really need a mom like me" It wasn't the same pitty party I would normal have. Nope it wasn't like that at all. I even managed to walk back inside & ask if they ever have sensory friendly times for kids who maybe a little extra sensitive. I looked at the situation, realized that I could ask Why Me? or I could just accept that God knows what he's doing. Logan is mine to help me grow just as much as I am suppose to help him grow. I now realize that while somethings like Logan can't change our attitudes can change for the better. Logan is hardwired that way & he's always going to have really challenging moments. We on the other hand aren't hardwired to see negative, we can choose to see God's grace & blessings in all things around us. The bottom line is that although he is challenging, super challenging at times, he is ours to love & care for. He is a blessing to our family, one that we will all be the better for having. He's also going to teach Eric & I so much about ourselves. Kolby & Emily are going to grow to be so awesome & understanding of others because they love their brother & they will learn to understand his struggles. They will be sad with him when he struggles, but they will celebrate with him when he succeeds as only his siblings can. After all, aren't they really a part of him just as much as he is a part of them. We are a family & while somethings can't change, somethings can and hopefully for the better. Happy 2012, here's to a new year & new adventures.
So somethings change for the better, like learning to live content in this season of my life. Like a growing faith & relationship with my Lord and Savior. Like realizing that I was not intended to be perfect so any expectation on my part of perfection was simply setting myself up for failure. Like learning that I have to stop & be thankful so much than I have been in the past. Learning to lead my children to the Lord & watching their faith grow & develop. Learning what being a mother, wife, and friend is really all about. Really learning that while I know much there is always more to learn. Yes, somethings change for the better.
Somethings stay the same. Like yesterday when we went to The Children's Museum with the kids & my in laws. Logan who lately seems to be like any other normal 8 year old boy with some qwirks never really changes. At times he seems to have changed or maybe its just that I am so use to him. Either way, yesterday was a reminder of life with a special needs child. So often we hear from friends or family how he just seems so normal & how they can't imagine that something is actually wrong with him. Maybe the doctors are wrong. It hurts, but you get use to people being insensitive & to these types of comments realizing that they don't mean harm (well some do, but you really ignore those). It's nice to know that all of our hard work & Logan's hard work at therapy has paid off & that for the most part he's just a little odd to the outside world. Then a day like yesterday happens & I suddenly am reminded just how "special" Logan really is. A day like yesterday happens & I wish I had a recorder so that I could replay the day, well really 1 1/2 hours that he lasted, for everyone to see. I wish I could shout at them & say "Really...does this resemble normal? Am I really making it all up??" Instead I shook my head & I made it through that hour and half. I kept my cool when everyone around us was not thinking cool was the thing to be. I kept control of my very over stimulated, unaware child. I removed him when the time came that he couldn't control even a finger of himself anymore. I handled his siblings that didn't understand why we had to leave just because Logan was having an issue. I handled it so well, that we avoided Kolby's tears & even a little understanding on his part when he told Logan "Well, maybe next time you won't be so crazy Buddy" I handled the situation that was presented before me so that everyone that was with us stayed calm & didn't lose their cool. And while Eric was letting the boys around the waterfront park, I even took a deep breath & thought "Yep, God gives children like Logan to really special moms because kids like Logan really need a mom like me" It wasn't the same pitty party I would normal have. Nope it wasn't like that at all. I even managed to walk back inside & ask if they ever have sensory friendly times for kids who maybe a little extra sensitive. I looked at the situation, realized that I could ask Why Me? or I could just accept that God knows what he's doing. Logan is mine to help me grow just as much as I am suppose to help him grow. I now realize that while somethings like Logan can't change our attitudes can change for the better. Logan is hardwired that way & he's always going to have really challenging moments. We on the other hand aren't hardwired to see negative, we can choose to see God's grace & blessings in all things around us. The bottom line is that although he is challenging, super challenging at times, he is ours to love & care for. He is a blessing to our family, one that we will all be the better for having. He's also going to teach Eric & I so much about ourselves. Kolby & Emily are going to grow to be so awesome & understanding of others because they love their brother & they will learn to understand his struggles. They will be sad with him when he struggles, but they will celebrate with him when he succeeds as only his siblings can. After all, aren't they really a part of him just as much as he is a part of them. We are a family & while somethings can't change, somethings can and hopefully for the better. Happy 2012, here's to a new year & new adventures.
3.18.2011
Hmmm....
Well I was writing something that I have been thinking about for awhile, but when I started it just didn't come out like I wanted it to. I wasn't able to get across what I wanted to say in a meaningful way. I wanted people to think about what I was saying & possibly make a change in their own lives. Today just wasn't that day. Oh well, it is saved in the draft section & maybe in a couple of days I will be more inspired to return to it. I do know that I won't post it until it is just right, even if I change it a little at a time. I wonder if that is what God is doing with me, changing me a little at a time? He changes me so slowly without me even noticing & then when I finally do notice it is like WoW...I am someone new. He puts people in my path, both positive & not so positive, & then I have to see the difference between them. Some of those people wouldn't even realize that I am growing just by knowing them. That they have made me look at myself & made me want to be a better person. Sometimes it is because I see the person I want to be in them. Sometimes it is because I feel like I am looking into a mirror & I don't like what I see. I know that in the coming months I have some really hard choices to make because I have grown & changed. I know that I will hurt some people, but I have to do what I know is best. I know that I can't love the Lord the way that I am meant to if I surround myself with negative forces. I have to love him completely & as he deserves to be loved. I feel like I really need to surround myself with positive, pure forces so that I can be open to the Lord's love in my life. Hatred, anger, gossip, jealousy...these are not the work of the Lord, they are Satan's work & him pulling me towards him. If someone is bringing these things into my life then I need to be strong enough to walk away from that relationship. I want to be a better person, but not just better. I want to be the best me that I can be because if I am not being the best me possible, then I am not being the me that God created. Here's to change & growth one day at a time.
3.17.2011
And what is that something BIG...
DISCLAIMER: My blog is my blog & while I may write somethings from the past that will hurt others feelings, please realize that I have forgiven & I have moved on. I do not hold ill feelings towards others that have hurt me in the past. Sometimes it's just important to bring up the past to better understand the present.
The truth is that when I finally sat down for a minute (doesn't happen often in my world) and really thought about how I got to where I was in the right here & now, I realized that a lot of different things have happened to lead me to this place. The main thing is my ever growing faith in God. I have been on a growing & learning path for a really, really long time. But, in the last 3 years I have done the most of my growing & I have done it on my own. Now obviously, I don't mean "on my own" as in without any help, I just mean I haven't been to church & I havent' had somebody preaching his or her version down my throat. I have though most definitely had the help of God. Really, it's been all him & me learning to listen to what he is saying. It's been my faith growing & me learning to not ask why. It's been me learning to follow, blindly if I must & believe that the bigger plan is more important than the here & now plan.
So what has happened in the last 3 years that has brought me to today. That's a lot to answer and I don't know if I could fully explain it in a blog, but to help you really understand my something big, I'm going to try. We (as in Eric, Logan, Kolby & myself) ended 2007 & rang in 2008 while visiting family in Texas. It was at a point when Logan's behavior & uniqueness were really becoming apparent. It was a different kind of visit to say the least. I did a couple of blogs about it back then and you can read more about it here and here. To sum it up things were said, feeling (mine imparticular) were hurt, & I really felt a lot of hate in my heart. Right after the new year I got a call from my parents saying my great-grandfather had a stroke and was in the hospital. He was really old, so it wasn't like a huge shock but it hurt because I had spent an awful lot of time with my great-grandparents as a small child. We came home a few days later and life resumed. On Feb 15th my great-grandfather passed away. Our family (my grandmother, parents, aunt, sister, & I) had a long debate over whether or not we should tell my great-grandmother because she had Alzheimer's. It was decided best to tell her & we did on that Sunday. The following Tues she went into the hospital and it was never determined what exactly had happened to her. She would talk in gibberish & then look right at me & speak perfect English. Sitting in her room was strange because although there was only 2 of us in there the room always felt crowded. It was like she literally died of a broken heart & my great-grandfather had come calling. On the Fri of the same week, my grandmother went to the ER for stomach pain in the morning and by that night she had coded and was brought back and placed in the ICU. We spent the next couple of weeks were spent between 2 hospitals and trying to figure out who I would visit and who's bed I would sit by. So much of it was a blur, and while I knew my great-grandmother would not make it, I still prayed that God would hear my prayers and heal my grandmother like he had so many times before. She was only 69 after all! My great-grandmother passed away on March 7th and went to be with my great-grandfather in a much better place. It was so sad, but yet so wonderful to see her at peace finally after the last years of suffering. My grandmother would get better, get worse & you would never know what was going to happen next. It was obvious God was not hearing me, maybe my prayers were too little for him I thought. I mean I was praying like I had been taught...please dear lord, make her better, heal her, cure her...please lord her me cry to you, let your will be done and i will accept it. The problem was I didn't mean it, I didn't really mean his will, I meant my will and it was becoming all to obvious to me that he didn't understand what I was really saying. I got the call on Monday March 17th. She wasn't going to make it, we were going to have to say good-bye. I couldn't believe it...how could he have let me down. So much for being by my side and holding me when times were tough. I barely remember the following hours, but yet they seem like yesterday...a blurry, confusing yesterday. She passed that evening with her family by her side. I was like a zombie. I just kept waiting for her to wake up, for someone, anyone to wake me up to tell me it had been a horrid dream. I never woke up...well, not then not right away. I finally cried my eyes out one day in April. As the following months went on and our lives drastically changed right before our eyes, my loss became apparent. Sometimes I yelled at God, but most of the time I just didn't talk to him. I didn't need him I told myself, he had let me down so many times through out the past & this was my final straw. He had taken away 3 people that I loved so dearly at the same time & one of them had no business being taken from me, from her family. And then he was allowing other things to occur that just were not right. Less than six months after my grandmother had passed away my grandfather had found a new woman to dedicate his life to. It wasn't like I had time to grieve or was allowed to grieve. I was told get on board or get out of the way. I got on board, what else was I soppose to do. The holidays came and it was terrible. I drank my way through them & looking back the last 5 months of 2008 were a big drinking time for me. I drank to forget my pain, or maybe it was to feel my pain, I still don't know. The bottom line is I drank more than I should have & if the Lord hadn't intervened in ways that I couldn't understand then I would have drank myself into a terrible situation. Eric & I had also decided towards the end of 2007 that we were done having children. Although our family never had felt complete, we came to our own conclusion that God was telling us that we were done. We really wouldn't be able to afford another child & it didn't seem that God was going to provide a way for us to. We figured this was his way of speaking to us. It was hard to let go of never having another child, but I put my mind to it, accepted it & began to move on. If this was to be my family, and it was a good family, then I should work on making it the best family that it could be. I spent New Years 2008/2009 in the woods with my family, including my grandfather & his soon to be wife. It was not a pleasent New Years...so I drank. In Jan. 2009 to finalize in my mind (not my heart) that we were in fact done with having babies I gave all of my baby stuff to a friend who was expecting. I smiled & I told everyone I could that we were soooo done. I'm not sure if I was trying to convince others or myself. Although I kept telling myself that I accepted this, I kept praying to the Lord for answers. It just didn't feel right. I begged him to answer me or give me a sign. Were we really done? Why did I have this yearning in my heart for one more baby? Once again I didn't feel I was getting any answers & this time I told myself, maybe I had ticked him off just a little too much with all my ranting. I mean I hadn't talked to him in months & now because my heart was on fire for another child I wanted to be best friends. No wonder he wasn't answering me. I guess God realized that I was slightly denser than some & I was more along the line of show me than let me feel it because in Feb 2009 I got a BIG obvious answer to my prayers. I guess he didn't want me to miss him speaking to me this time....he went ahead & put a baby in my belly. Looking back I realize that the fire in my heart, the yearning for another child, the uneasy feeling as we talked about ways to permanent ways to prevent more children...all of that was the Lord speaking to me. I just wasn't listening to him. The Feb that I found out I was expecting was one year (almost to the day) that my grandmother had gone into the hospital and exactly one month before the 1 year anniversary of her death. She had always told me God had big plans for me. She would tell me that we weren't done with kids because I still had a baby girl coming to me. She had been told. Crazy old lady I would say. From the moment I got over the shock & anger because we weren't soppose to have more kids, I knew in my heart we were having our baby girl. Maybe she had been told after all, but why did she have to miss it. I was pissed like you wouldn't imagine. I didn't say thank you Lord for answering my most secret prayers, nope I yelled & screamed like a little kid because my grandmother wasn't here. At some point in there I started reading an amazing man, Max Lucado. I had picked up In the Eye of the Storm really cheap and I loved it. I started out by reading it quickly like I do everything that I read & then I stopped, started over, & really started to think about the message I was reading. It made sense & for the first time in a long time I felt some sort of peace in my heart. I also started to hear God speaking to me, not that I was always listening yet. Then I read He Chose the Nails, once again amazing read. Started listening to podcast, starting reading my bible...finally started listening, really listening. Not to what I wanted to hear, but to what God was really saying. I started understanding that Gods will was greater than my own. That his plans were bigger than mine & that I had to follow his lead. My plans were just that,mine & when I showed them to the Lord, he would slowly reveal his plans to me. They weren't always the same plans, but I had to go with the flow & I had to trust that he knew what was best. I had to stop asking why all the time. Time passed & I would love to say I grew in huge amounts, but I didn't. I grew tiny bits, but those bits were the foundation for that something bigger that God has in mind for me. Emily joined our family & I realize that I could have never lived with out her. Our family was not complete, so whether others thought that we might of needed another baby like we needed a hole in our heads or not it doesn't matter to me anymore. I know we needed her & I know the Lord wanted us to have her.
A year ago next month our lives took a huge turn that we didn't see coming & it was yet one of my biggest test of faith. I felt like I was in a good place as far as my faith was concerned, but I honestly didn't know how much more I was about to grow. In April 2009 Logan, my first born, was diagnosised with Autism Spectrum Disorders & ADHD. I'm sitting here crying as I am writing this, probably because it is the first time that I have openly written about it. I can remember that day like it was yesterday, part of it blurry like a dream & yet the feelings are so clear. The dr looked at me after I had rambled non stop for 40 mins & asked if I had ever heard of Aspergers. I immediately lost my breath, like someone had punched me in the stomach. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't. I needed to seem like a normal, put together mom. I couldn't act like a hystercial lunatic. I told him he was wrong, obviously Logan did not have any form of Autism. He held my hand & asked me to listen to what he had to say. An hour later I had a referal to The Rothman Center, they specialized in things like this. Eric & I had agreed to get a second opinion. We talked as we walked to lunch at All Children's Hospital & although neither one of us wanted to say it out loud, we did agree & we both knew that this was a long, long road that had just been laid ahead of us. I remember calling my mom & being frustrated because she questioned what I had said or why did I agree with this. I was frustrated because I wanted to move forward & just accept this for waht it was. I didn't want to be in denial. Then I called my sister & she totally agreed. She had just studied this in school & she could totally see where Logan had fit the discription. She wasn't shocked at all. I was really frustrated with her. SERIOUSLY...I wanted to yell if you thought it was a possibility, why the hell didn't you tell me. I was frustrated because she agreed with me. I realized that I didn't want others to accept what I had stared to accept, but I didn't want them to openly challenge me as my mom just had. Great, I wasn't really sure what I wanted. We told Eric's parents & no one else. I clearly needed time to accept what was going on. I needed to hear someone else tell me what I knew in my heart. Logan got into The Rothman Center quickly & we left there with the same diagnosis that we had previously been told. She diagnosised Logan with Autism Spectrum Disorders with a sub diagnosis of ADHD. She also said he suffered from Sensory Processing Disorder (which we already knew) & had OCD tendencies. She said if we couldn't get him to mello when it came to OCD, he would wind up needing to be medicated for that in the future. We accepted the medication for ADHD, which was not easy. I have always been opposed to medicating children for ADHD & here I was having to accept that my child needed medication. I won't lie, I started to slip right back into the old routin of why God, why me, why Logan???? Why are you doing this to me, why my baby...why should he have to suffer? Why does his life have to be hard? Why do you hate us so much? The same thing that it had always been, it wasn't my way & I didn't like it. These weren't my plans, in fact I finally realized what the whole thing about Holland was. I had just found out that I was actually living in Holland, not Italy. Strangly, I realized that I didn't want to cry, I wanted to fight, to figure out what was best for Logan & what needed to be done next. I had two choices, I could yell at God or I could ask him for his help & really listen to what he was saying, I started praying, but really praying this time. Only God could get us through this, only he could lead me & I had to trust him completely. I did just that. For probably the first time in my life, I really listened. I really started paying attention & I really started to feel at peace. And the more at peace I felt about Logan, the easier other choices in life became. We started to realize that although we had health insurance Logan's co-pays were going to eat us alive. We realized that with the addition of Emily we were barely scraping by. We had tried to do things to make our house payments more affordable, but were very ussuccsessful. It seemed that mortage companies only helped those that didn't try to help themselves. Basically because we paid our mortage on time, there wasn't anything they could do. We had to be in default before they would help us. I was beginning to feel doubtful that there was going to be a solution for us that we could live with. I prayed & I prayed. I waited for the answers to come. Finally after months of prayer I started to feel comfortable with letting our house go. It seemed like the only solution out there. It was devestating to think that what we had worked for would be all gone. I prayed that God would lead me in the right path & give Eric the ability to accept what we were about to do. After making phone calls & more phone calls & more phone calls someone asked me if I had heard of a short sale. I told them that we had asked about it early on and we were told that we couldn't do one. I got the approval a few hours later, hired a relator, & finally started to feel a little better about the situation. The relator advised us to hire an attorney & gave us the card of one that she worked with often. Doris was a godsend. She was like a little angle that God had sent to help us through the next several months as we sold away the house that we had worked so hard for. None of it made sense, but then some of it did over time. During this same time I had started to homeschool Logan until we could get school situated. The previous 2 years had left him hating school & had left the teachers treating him poorly. I realized that between unresolved family issues, all that we had been through with the house & Logan my heart was quickly filled with a lot of hate. I was once again filled with anger & rage & an unwillingness to forgive those who had wronged me. I didn't take it out on God this time, I was sure he was on my side, but I also wouldn't forgive. When a very amazing woman I know posted a topic on Facebook about forgiveness I was inspired to think about my life at the current moment. I realized that what she was saying was so true, even if I did not want to believe it. I once again searched out Max Lucado. His writings always offerd so much insight to me. I picked up A Love Worth Giving. By the time I had finished my heart was beginning to heal. The anger was leaving me & I was working on forgiving those that needed my forgiveness. It wasn't about them asking for it or them deserving it. It was about my love for Christ & how he fogives me although I don't deserve his forgiveness either. I was at peace in my life & even in times of great difficulty I felt like God was guiding me. I knew I was never alone & I felt that way. I found homeschooling Logan to be one of the most difficult things that I had ever done, but I prayed & God once again answered. I found that when I was going into a hard meeting or a difficult situation I acutually invited God to come with me. I told him I would save him a seat & I knew that he would be there with me. I was at peace. By Jan of this year Logan was settled in the Quest Program (gifted program) at Challenger K-8 & our house sale was approved. Logan was doing amazing in school & his teacher expressed how she felt that the little boy in the papers was not the little boy in her class. Her Logan was amazing, smart, well behaved, obident, excited about school. WOW...I knew my Logan was awesome, I had just waited what seemed like a really long time for someone else to finally realize it. She also told me what an amazing mother I was & that made me cry. It made my heart swell with joy, my little boy was going to be okay even if it was only in the right here & now. At the same time we found out that the bank would sign away all the deficency that was left on the house. We would be able to walk away from this experience with nothing but knowledge of what we had learned during the process. So that brings me to the here & now. I don't know why this is where we are. I don't know why Logan has ASD, I don't know why he had to suffer so much & I don't know why we had to walk away from our house. I guess I would like to know the answers, but if they aren't for me to know then I am okay with that. I do know that God is here with me, that he has guided me to this place right now. I listen to my heart, to the feelings deep inside. Sometimes I share them with Eric or others & sometimes I don't, but I listen to them. I pay attention to the littlest things that I may have missed before. I know that when my heart is at peace I am in the right place.
So as for the big thing that I am right on the verge of, I'm not sure what it is. God hasn't told me yet. I'm sure with time he'll reveal his most amazing plan for me. I'm almost certain it won't jive with whatever plans I've made for myself, but I am 100% certain that his plans are bigger & better than mine. I haven't ever shared most of this, but all of a sudden I felt compelled to write. I have been thinking of what I wanted to say & suddenly I knew I had to start this blog. So for now I'm enjoying life today. I'm enjoying writing again, something I stopped awhile ago. I'm enjoying the inspiration that I feel & the fire burning inside of me to share it. I'm enjoying growing & learning about myself with the Lord as my guide.
The truth is that when I finally sat down for a minute (doesn't happen often in my world) and really thought about how I got to where I was in the right here & now, I realized that a lot of different things have happened to lead me to this place. The main thing is my ever growing faith in God. I have been on a growing & learning path for a really, really long time. But, in the last 3 years I have done the most of my growing & I have done it on my own. Now obviously, I don't mean "on my own" as in without any help, I just mean I haven't been to church & I havent' had somebody preaching his or her version down my throat. I have though most definitely had the help of God. Really, it's been all him & me learning to listen to what he is saying. It's been my faith growing & me learning to not ask why. It's been me learning to follow, blindly if I must & believe that the bigger plan is more important than the here & now plan.
So what has happened in the last 3 years that has brought me to today. That's a lot to answer and I don't know if I could fully explain it in a blog, but to help you really understand my something big, I'm going to try. We (as in Eric, Logan, Kolby & myself) ended 2007 & rang in 2008 while visiting family in Texas. It was at a point when Logan's behavior & uniqueness were really becoming apparent. It was a different kind of visit to say the least. I did a couple of blogs about it back then and you can read more about it here and here. To sum it up things were said, feeling (mine imparticular) were hurt, & I really felt a lot of hate in my heart. Right after the new year I got a call from my parents saying my great-grandfather had a stroke and was in the hospital. He was really old, so it wasn't like a huge shock but it hurt because I had spent an awful lot of time with my great-grandparents as a small child. We came home a few days later and life resumed. On Feb 15th my great-grandfather passed away. Our family (my grandmother, parents, aunt, sister, & I) had a long debate over whether or not we should tell my great-grandmother because she had Alzheimer's. It was decided best to tell her & we did on that Sunday. The following Tues she went into the hospital and it was never determined what exactly had happened to her. She would talk in gibberish & then look right at me & speak perfect English. Sitting in her room was strange because although there was only 2 of us in there the room always felt crowded. It was like she literally died of a broken heart & my great-grandfather had come calling. On the Fri of the same week, my grandmother went to the ER for stomach pain in the morning and by that night she had coded and was brought back and placed in the ICU. We spent the next couple of weeks were spent between 2 hospitals and trying to figure out who I would visit and who's bed I would sit by. So much of it was a blur, and while I knew my great-grandmother would not make it, I still prayed that God would hear my prayers and heal my grandmother like he had so many times before. She was only 69 after all! My great-grandmother passed away on March 7th and went to be with my great-grandfather in a much better place. It was so sad, but yet so wonderful to see her at peace finally after the last years of suffering. My grandmother would get better, get worse & you would never know what was going to happen next. It was obvious God was not hearing me, maybe my prayers were too little for him I thought. I mean I was praying like I had been taught...please dear lord, make her better, heal her, cure her...please lord her me cry to you, let your will be done and i will accept it. The problem was I didn't mean it, I didn't really mean his will, I meant my will and it was becoming all to obvious to me that he didn't understand what I was really saying. I got the call on Monday March 17th. She wasn't going to make it, we were going to have to say good-bye. I couldn't believe it...how could he have let me down. So much for being by my side and holding me when times were tough. I barely remember the following hours, but yet they seem like yesterday...a blurry, confusing yesterday. She passed that evening with her family by her side. I was like a zombie. I just kept waiting for her to wake up, for someone, anyone to wake me up to tell me it had been a horrid dream. I never woke up...well, not then not right away. I finally cried my eyes out one day in April. As the following months went on and our lives drastically changed right before our eyes, my loss became apparent. Sometimes I yelled at God, but most of the time I just didn't talk to him. I didn't need him I told myself, he had let me down so many times through out the past & this was my final straw. He had taken away 3 people that I loved so dearly at the same time & one of them had no business being taken from me, from her family. And then he was allowing other things to occur that just were not right. Less than six months after my grandmother had passed away my grandfather had found a new woman to dedicate his life to. It wasn't like I had time to grieve or was allowed to grieve. I was told get on board or get out of the way. I got on board, what else was I soppose to do. The holidays came and it was terrible. I drank my way through them & looking back the last 5 months of 2008 were a big drinking time for me. I drank to forget my pain, or maybe it was to feel my pain, I still don't know. The bottom line is I drank more than I should have & if the Lord hadn't intervened in ways that I couldn't understand then I would have drank myself into a terrible situation. Eric & I had also decided towards the end of 2007 that we were done having children. Although our family never had felt complete, we came to our own conclusion that God was telling us that we were done. We really wouldn't be able to afford another child & it didn't seem that God was going to provide a way for us to. We figured this was his way of speaking to us. It was hard to let go of never having another child, but I put my mind to it, accepted it & began to move on. If this was to be my family, and it was a good family, then I should work on making it the best family that it could be. I spent New Years 2008/2009 in the woods with my family, including my grandfather & his soon to be wife. It was not a pleasent New Years...so I drank. In Jan. 2009 to finalize in my mind (not my heart) that we were in fact done with having babies I gave all of my baby stuff to a friend who was expecting. I smiled & I told everyone I could that we were soooo done. I'm not sure if I was trying to convince others or myself. Although I kept telling myself that I accepted this, I kept praying to the Lord for answers. It just didn't feel right. I begged him to answer me or give me a sign. Were we really done? Why did I have this yearning in my heart for one more baby? Once again I didn't feel I was getting any answers & this time I told myself, maybe I had ticked him off just a little too much with all my ranting. I mean I hadn't talked to him in months & now because my heart was on fire for another child I wanted to be best friends. No wonder he wasn't answering me. I guess God realized that I was slightly denser than some & I was more along the line of show me than let me feel it because in Feb 2009 I got a BIG obvious answer to my prayers. I guess he didn't want me to miss him speaking to me this time....he went ahead & put a baby in my belly. Looking back I realize that the fire in my heart, the yearning for another child, the uneasy feeling as we talked about ways to permanent ways to prevent more children...all of that was the Lord speaking to me. I just wasn't listening to him. The Feb that I found out I was expecting was one year (almost to the day) that my grandmother had gone into the hospital and exactly one month before the 1 year anniversary of her death. She had always told me God had big plans for me. She would tell me that we weren't done with kids because I still had a baby girl coming to me. She had been told. Crazy old lady I would say. From the moment I got over the shock & anger because we weren't soppose to have more kids, I knew in my heart we were having our baby girl. Maybe she had been told after all, but why did she have to miss it. I was pissed like you wouldn't imagine. I didn't say thank you Lord for answering my most secret prayers, nope I yelled & screamed like a little kid because my grandmother wasn't here. At some point in there I started reading an amazing man, Max Lucado. I had picked up In the Eye of the Storm really cheap and I loved it. I started out by reading it quickly like I do everything that I read & then I stopped, started over, & really started to think about the message I was reading. It made sense & for the first time in a long time I felt some sort of peace in my heart. I also started to hear God speaking to me, not that I was always listening yet. Then I read He Chose the Nails, once again amazing read. Started listening to podcast, starting reading my bible...finally started listening, really listening. Not to what I wanted to hear, but to what God was really saying. I started understanding that Gods will was greater than my own. That his plans were bigger than mine & that I had to follow his lead. My plans were just that,mine & when I showed them to the Lord, he would slowly reveal his plans to me. They weren't always the same plans, but I had to go with the flow & I had to trust that he knew what was best. I had to stop asking why all the time. Time passed & I would love to say I grew in huge amounts, but I didn't. I grew tiny bits, but those bits were the foundation for that something bigger that God has in mind for me. Emily joined our family & I realize that I could have never lived with out her. Our family was not complete, so whether others thought that we might of needed another baby like we needed a hole in our heads or not it doesn't matter to me anymore. I know we needed her & I know the Lord wanted us to have her.
A year ago next month our lives took a huge turn that we didn't see coming & it was yet one of my biggest test of faith. I felt like I was in a good place as far as my faith was concerned, but I honestly didn't know how much more I was about to grow. In April 2009 Logan, my first born, was diagnosised with Autism Spectrum Disorders & ADHD. I'm sitting here crying as I am writing this, probably because it is the first time that I have openly written about it. I can remember that day like it was yesterday, part of it blurry like a dream & yet the feelings are so clear. The dr looked at me after I had rambled non stop for 40 mins & asked if I had ever heard of Aspergers. I immediately lost my breath, like someone had punched me in the stomach. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't. I needed to seem like a normal, put together mom. I couldn't act like a hystercial lunatic. I told him he was wrong, obviously Logan did not have any form of Autism. He held my hand & asked me to listen to what he had to say. An hour later I had a referal to The Rothman Center, they specialized in things like this. Eric & I had agreed to get a second opinion. We talked as we walked to lunch at All Children's Hospital & although neither one of us wanted to say it out loud, we did agree & we both knew that this was a long, long road that had just been laid ahead of us. I remember calling my mom & being frustrated because she questioned what I had said or why did I agree with this. I was frustrated because I wanted to move forward & just accept this for waht it was. I didn't want to be in denial. Then I called my sister & she totally agreed. She had just studied this in school & she could totally see where Logan had fit the discription. She wasn't shocked at all. I was really frustrated with her. SERIOUSLY...I wanted to yell if you thought it was a possibility, why the hell didn't you tell me. I was frustrated because she agreed with me. I realized that I didn't want others to accept what I had stared to accept, but I didn't want them to openly challenge me as my mom just had. Great, I wasn't really sure what I wanted. We told Eric's parents & no one else. I clearly needed time to accept what was going on. I needed to hear someone else tell me what I knew in my heart. Logan got into The Rothman Center quickly & we left there with the same diagnosis that we had previously been told. She diagnosised Logan with Autism Spectrum Disorders with a sub diagnosis of ADHD. She also said he suffered from Sensory Processing Disorder (which we already knew) & had OCD tendencies. She said if we couldn't get him to mello when it came to OCD, he would wind up needing to be medicated for that in the future. We accepted the medication for ADHD, which was not easy. I have always been opposed to medicating children for ADHD & here I was having to accept that my child needed medication. I won't lie, I started to slip right back into the old routin of why God, why me, why Logan???? Why are you doing this to me, why my baby...why should he have to suffer? Why does his life have to be hard? Why do you hate us so much? The same thing that it had always been, it wasn't my way & I didn't like it. These weren't my plans, in fact I finally realized what the whole thing about Holland was. I had just found out that I was actually living in Holland, not Italy. Strangly, I realized that I didn't want to cry, I wanted to fight, to figure out what was best for Logan & what needed to be done next. I had two choices, I could yell at God or I could ask him for his help & really listen to what he was saying, I started praying, but really praying this time. Only God could get us through this, only he could lead me & I had to trust him completely. I did just that. For probably the first time in my life, I really listened. I really started paying attention & I really started to feel at peace. And the more at peace I felt about Logan, the easier other choices in life became. We started to realize that although we had health insurance Logan's co-pays were going to eat us alive. We realized that with the addition of Emily we were barely scraping by. We had tried to do things to make our house payments more affordable, but were very ussuccsessful. It seemed that mortage companies only helped those that didn't try to help themselves. Basically because we paid our mortage on time, there wasn't anything they could do. We had to be in default before they would help us. I was beginning to feel doubtful that there was going to be a solution for us that we could live with. I prayed & I prayed. I waited for the answers to come. Finally after months of prayer I started to feel comfortable with letting our house go. It seemed like the only solution out there. It was devestating to think that what we had worked for would be all gone. I prayed that God would lead me in the right path & give Eric the ability to accept what we were about to do. After making phone calls & more phone calls & more phone calls someone asked me if I had heard of a short sale. I told them that we had asked about it early on and we were told that we couldn't do one. I got the approval a few hours later, hired a relator, & finally started to feel a little better about the situation. The relator advised us to hire an attorney & gave us the card of one that she worked with often. Doris was a godsend. She was like a little angle that God had sent to help us through the next several months as we sold away the house that we had worked so hard for. None of it made sense, but then some of it did over time. During this same time I had started to homeschool Logan until we could get school situated. The previous 2 years had left him hating school & had left the teachers treating him poorly. I realized that between unresolved family issues, all that we had been through with the house & Logan my heart was quickly filled with a lot of hate. I was once again filled with anger & rage & an unwillingness to forgive those who had wronged me. I didn't take it out on God this time, I was sure he was on my side, but I also wouldn't forgive. When a very amazing woman I know posted a topic on Facebook about forgiveness I was inspired to think about my life at the current moment. I realized that what she was saying was so true, even if I did not want to believe it. I once again searched out Max Lucado. His writings always offerd so much insight to me. I picked up A Love Worth Giving. By the time I had finished my heart was beginning to heal. The anger was leaving me & I was working on forgiving those that needed my forgiveness. It wasn't about them asking for it or them deserving it. It was about my love for Christ & how he fogives me although I don't deserve his forgiveness either. I was at peace in my life & even in times of great difficulty I felt like God was guiding me. I knew I was never alone & I felt that way. I found homeschooling Logan to be one of the most difficult things that I had ever done, but I prayed & God once again answered. I found that when I was going into a hard meeting or a difficult situation I acutually invited God to come with me. I told him I would save him a seat & I knew that he would be there with me. I was at peace. By Jan of this year Logan was settled in the Quest Program (gifted program) at Challenger K-8 & our house sale was approved. Logan was doing amazing in school & his teacher expressed how she felt that the little boy in the papers was not the little boy in her class. Her Logan was amazing, smart, well behaved, obident, excited about school. WOW...I knew my Logan was awesome, I had just waited what seemed like a really long time for someone else to finally realize it. She also told me what an amazing mother I was & that made me cry. It made my heart swell with joy, my little boy was going to be okay even if it was only in the right here & now. At the same time we found out that the bank would sign away all the deficency that was left on the house. We would be able to walk away from this experience with nothing but knowledge of what we had learned during the process. So that brings me to the here & now. I don't know why this is where we are. I don't know why Logan has ASD, I don't know why he had to suffer so much & I don't know why we had to walk away from our house. I guess I would like to know the answers, but if they aren't for me to know then I am okay with that. I do know that God is here with me, that he has guided me to this place right now. I listen to my heart, to the feelings deep inside. Sometimes I share them with Eric or others & sometimes I don't, but I listen to them. I pay attention to the littlest things that I may have missed before. I know that when my heart is at peace I am in the right place.
So as for the big thing that I am right on the verge of, I'm not sure what it is. God hasn't told me yet. I'm sure with time he'll reveal his most amazing plan for me. I'm almost certain it won't jive with whatever plans I've made for myself, but I am 100% certain that his plans are bigger & better than mine. I haven't ever shared most of this, but all of a sudden I felt compelled to write. I have been thinking of what I wanted to say & suddenly I knew I had to start this blog. So for now I'm enjoying life today. I'm enjoying writing again, something I stopped awhile ago. I'm enjoying the inspiration that I feel & the fire burning inside of me to share it. I'm enjoying growing & learning about myself with the Lord as my guide.
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