But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something"
I love this song...I love this verse & the ones that follow. I love how they speak to my heart. At the same time I hate how they speak to my heart & make me realize that this is how I live my life. I'm just going through the motions....no matter what I do, I just go through the motions.
" 'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life"
It's not okay anymore, I have to be better than just a mom, just a wife, just a daughter, just a friend. I have to be here. I have to be present. Always rushed, upset, anxious, worried about what's next. What about the right now. Enjoying the here, enjoying what is going on right now. Worrying about the right now...just dealing with the right now. Decision time...big decision, big change.
"I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions"
No more just pictures, just memories of the pictures. No more too busy to appreciate these beautiful faces. No more. Somethings gotta change, even if it hurts...even if I break. At least I'd feel something...it just wouldn't be the motions. I'd actually be living.
"No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life"
There maybe regrets, but not all the time. I'm gonna live each moment to it's fullest. Going to enjoy each second like it might be my last. I'm going to appreciate each goofy moment, each new wonder. I'm going to answer each new question like it's the most important question they've ever asked. Just being a good mom is not enough. I have to enjoy it, be thankful for it. There's too much to lose if I don't. I don't want to look back & wonder but what if...I want to live knowing that I've given them my all. I want to live knowing that they had the best of me, not just what was required to be great.
I'm not going to ask what if again...I'm going to know that I gave my all, gave my best. I'm going to know that I didn't go through the motions, that I lived life & I took whatever it had to give me. So regardless of whatever else may be going on I'm going to enjoy & relish in park dates, just me & Emily. I'm going to take in & commit to memory her amazement as she accomplishes a new feat. I'm going to cherish last minute mask & the must do parades. They will no longer be chores, but rather a fun event that I will never get to do again. I am going to commit to memory the excitement of a little boy when he sees his mommy wasn't to busy to make it to the parade. I'm going to take pictures of us, together, regardless of what I may look like...who cares. I'm going to take great pride in my efforts to create the most magical moments for my children. I'm going to remember that spending 15 hours making costumes is not a job or a chore to dread, but rather an act of unconditional love.
Having one child was so much fun & we were buddies. Then life got in the way & the more children I had being a mother became a job. It became a chore, a to do list. It was something that I had to do & I didn't always do it with a smile. No one can ever say that I wasn't a great mom, I've been there every step of the way...loving, supporting, doing whatever needed to be done. But it's just motions. In the last month I have started remembering that being a mom is not a job, not a chore. It's not something to be dreaded, it's not a to do list. It's a blessing, a gift. One that I have taken for granted. Not anymore, not ever again. I will steal every kiss, every hug & then steal an extra one. I will stop & enjoy conversations with my children, even when they are boring. I will stop & see the world through their little eyes. I will enjoy & remember each new wonder just as they do. I will stop going through the motions and start living.
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