Hurt from the Past

While reading a blog today about a young woman's journey with infertiltiy I cried & felt hurt in my heart like I hadn't felt in a long time.  This woman has been unable to concieve & is now in the adoption process.  I pray that God answers her prayers & she is able to start her family sooner than later.  The pain that I felt though was not just a pain for her inability to start the family that she wants, it was a deeper pain that I haven't felt in years.  As I read her words of "why God, why us" I cried, because I too have screamed those words.  I have screamed words much worse than that.  I have prayed till I could no longer pray.  I begged, I pleaded, I even bargined with God.  And then I then I turned my back on him because he obviously wasn't listening to me anyways. I wish I had strength  like this young lady, my journey would have been easier.

I can remember the excitement of being a newly married couple & realizing that we were already expecting.  It had happened so quickly.  I remember being sick & showing.  I remember walking through the mall that horrible day & eating lunch.  I remember the cramping, the back pain.  I remember hearing that it was okay & normal.  I remember sitting on the sofa & feeling a pop.  I remember standing up, thinking I had wet my pants & going to the restroom only to find out that my baby was leaving my body.  I remeber the bright red, the constant flow & screaming in agony because I knew our dreams were shattering right there on the bathroom floor.  I remember sitting in the ER wondering why God was doing this to us.  Why give us this hope & then snatch it away just as quickly.  I remember laying on the hospital bed while the dr did the ultrasound.  I remember seeing my little angle's heartbeat.  There was hope...God had heard me.  I just didn't realize then that he was saying "No, not now. later my child" 7 days later I realized what he was saying.  I remember laying in the drs office & seeing the tears well up in Eric's eyes as he realized that our child was gone, but not really.  I would need a D&C or I could wait.  Waiting was not an option, but the D&C was a terrible thought I could not bear.  Aug 15, 2002, exactly 2 months earlier we had been married, I had the procedure done.  Miscarriage #1

I got pregnant 2 months later & everyone said wow you are so fertile, lucky you  Wow...I had never thought of myself as lucky considering I had lost one child already.  The cramping started earlier this time & so did the bleeding.  The bleeding continued till my 5th month.  The only way I knew I was still pregnant was the crazy amount of morning sickness that I had.  I remember my mom calling daily to make sure that I was sick because it was a good sign.  Luckily I was sick long after Logan started moving because if not I am not sure what I would have done.  I remember never enjoying my pregnancy.  Not one whole day, maybe for a few hours here & there, but never a whole day.  I always feared he would die too, inside of me.  He fell asleep one day for way too long.  I was about 6 months along & I had to go to the drs.  I remember crying the whole way there, I remember Eric crying the whole way there...holding my hand telling me it would be okay.  It was okay...he was just being lazy.  Even the day he was born I was sure something was going to happen to him, that someone was going to take him away from.  They didn't & 8 years later he's still mine. 

No, you never look at pregnancy the same again.  You always hope for the best, prepare for the worst & pray you fall somewhere inbetween.  We starting trying again Jan 2005.  We found out in Feb that I was pregnant.  5 days later I found out that it wasn't meant to be.  I was saddened when I thought of yet another child I would never hold in my arms.  Another child who would never call me mama or know how much I loved & wanted them.  Miscarriage #2 But for all my saddness I was expecting to lose this child.  I figured it had happened the first time it would happen again.  I also expected that now I would get pregnant & things would be okay.  Like with Logan, it made sense right?  In April I found out yet again I was pregnant.  I was sick, but not as bad as with Logan.  I figured that I had payed my dues on morning sickness so it was okay.  By 6 weeks we taught Logan to say I'm going to be a big brother.  On Mother's Day/my birthday we let Logan tell everyone.  I was nearly 7 weeks along.  Things looked like they might just be okay.  Then May 22nd I started bleeding again.  I went to the hospital & they did an ultrasound.  They couldn't see the baby...I must not be as far as I thought.  I was nearly 9 weeks.  The dr said give it a week.  I remember sitting there, feeling the intensive cramps, knowing that it wasn't going to be okay.  On May 25th, Eric's birthday, I had to call  him & ask him to meet me at the hospital.  I had lost the baby, this time my body had kicked it out.  I was at the hospital when Eric got there.  I couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop yelling, couldn't stop saying how sorry I was.  Miscarriage #3...it only gets harder from there.

I was told not to try for a couple of months, I wondered why?  I was sure we would never have another child. I was sure that Logan was going to be the only one.  The things that people say are so mean & cruel & they never know how badly they hurt you.  I heard things like don't worry, you concieve so eaisly.  Imagine if you couldn't even get pregnant how hard that would be?  At least you get pregnant!  Wow, you don't have any problems getting pregnant.  What would you know about infertility?  I wanted to scream at them...what did it matter how often I was pregnant if I never carried the child to term.  I wanted to scream to them, that I would rather never be pregnant than turn another one of my babies over to God.  I couldn't understand how people would be so insensitive...but these weren't just strangers.  This was our family & friends would say things like this.  I couldn't understand how they didn't see that wether I got pregnant or not I was never getting to hold my baby in my arms.  I remember that pain all to clearly.  I remember thinking that I couldn't go on.  I slipped into a pretty intense depression.  I stopped talking to God, he wasn't listening.

Months went by & I didn't concieve.  I didn't understand why?  I just figured it was over, we would never have another child.  I figured that our family was set with just the 3 of us.  I remember the guilt of feeling like it was all my fault.  That I had caused it somehow.  Finally 7 months we found out I was pregnant at the start of Dec.  Christmas Eve that year was terrible, I started to bleed yet again.  I swore I couldn't do it again.  I dropped to my knees & for the first time in months I prayed, I pleaded, I begged just please don't take my baby.  Really after that first incident my pregnancy with Kolby was so smooth.  I didn't enjoy the beginning, but I made myself enjoy the end.  It was my last afterall.  We had figured that we wouldn't have anymore after this.  So one year & 2 miscarriages later I was pregnant with Kolby.  He would join our family in Aug of 2006. 

I had put that fear & pain behind me until I found out I was pregnant with Emily.  She wasn't planned, so I hadn't had the time to prep myself for what might come.  She was totally not expected & in my mind totally unwated.  I hadn't let my mind know what my heart already felt, that I wanted her more than anything else in the world.  When I got over the total shock & terror of having another child I sat down & prayed.  I prayed to God that his will be done, but my Lord please do not place this child inside of me unless you plan to let me have her.  I was terrified for months that I would accept this pregnancy, want this baby girl (not that it had been confirmed, but I knew what my heart was telling me)& then God's will would be to never let me hold her.  To never hear her sweet voice or feel her little hands on my skin.  No I knew I couldn't handle it if this were to be the plan.  I would cry at night, for me, for Eric, for the boys, for the baby I was carrying in my womb, & mostly for the 3 angels that were not with us.  Because Emily was unexpected we heard some pretty interesting things, things that once again hurt deeply.  People actually said well geez you don't have any issues having kids  I wanted to personally grab them & shake them as hard as I could.  Did they not realize that I had already given 3 beautiful babies back to God.  Did they not realize that I was so fearful that I would yet be forced to hand another baby over.  As it was my pregnancy with Emily turned out to be really uneventful.  Sometimes I would be so busy that until she started kicking me I would forget that she was there.  That was it was uneventful until the night she was born.  Emily was born blue.  She was not crying like a new baby should.  I remember thinking that something was not right.  I kept asking is something wrong?  whats wrong?  why isn't she crying , why is she blue?  Her cord had been compressed during delivery & had the dr not been so quick to react, had God not been there watching over us I am not convinced that we would have had the same outcome.  I didn't talk about it after she was born & sometimes people are shocked to  find out that this had happened.  She was okay so quickly afterwards & she did figure out how to use her lungs her so I just never mentioned it, but I do have the pictures (& terrible memories) to show how blue she was. 

It never matters how long it's been or what is going on.  I always feel a deep seated fear that someone is going ot take my children away.  I always want to warn newly pregnant woman that they shouldn't get too attached to the child they are carrying.  I always remember my babies that are not here with me &  I always feel the pain when I hear of someone trying to have children who can't.  I always go back to long ago when I didn't have 3 beautiful children running around the house, driving me crazy.  It's the kind of pain you never forget, you just learn to live with.