While reading a blog today about a young woman's journey with infertiltiy I cried & felt hurt in my heart like I hadn't felt in a long time. This woman has been unable to concieve & is now in the adoption process. I pray that God answers her prayers & she is able to start her family sooner than later. The pain that I felt though was not just a pain for her inability to start the family that she wants, it was a deeper pain that I haven't felt in years. As I read her words of "why God, why us" I cried, because I too have screamed those words. I have screamed words much worse than that. I have prayed till I could no longer pray. I begged, I pleaded, I even bargined with God. And then I then I turned my back on him because he obviously wasn't listening to me anyways. I wish I had strength like this young lady, my journey would have been easier.
I can remember the excitement of being a newly married couple & realizing that we were already expecting. It had happened so quickly. I remember being sick & showing. I remember walking through the mall that horrible day & eating lunch. I remember the cramping, the back pain. I remember hearing that it was okay & normal. I remember sitting on the sofa & feeling a pop. I remember standing up, thinking I had wet my pants & going to the restroom only to find out that my baby was leaving my body. I remeber the bright red, the constant flow & screaming in agony because I knew our dreams were shattering right there on the bathroom floor. I remember sitting in the ER wondering why God was doing this to us. Why give us this hope & then snatch it away just as quickly. I remember laying on the hospital bed while the dr did the ultrasound. I remember seeing my little angle's heartbeat. There was hope...God had heard me. I just didn't realize then that he was saying "No, not now. later my child" 7 days later I realized what he was saying. I remember laying in the drs office & seeing the tears well up in Eric's eyes as he realized that our child was gone, but not really. I would need a D&C or I could wait. Waiting was not an option, but the D&C was a terrible thought I could not bear. Aug 15, 2002, exactly 2 months earlier we had been married, I had the procedure done. Miscarriage #1
I got pregnant 2 months later & everyone said wow you are so fertile, lucky you Wow...I had never thought of myself as lucky considering I had lost one child already. The cramping started earlier this time & so did the bleeding. The bleeding continued till my 5th month. The only way I knew I was still pregnant was the crazy amount of morning sickness that I had. I remember my mom calling daily to make sure that I was sick because it was a good sign. Luckily I was sick long after Logan started moving because if not I am not sure what I would have done. I remember never enjoying my pregnancy. Not one whole day, maybe for a few hours here & there, but never a whole day. I always feared he would die too, inside of me. He fell asleep one day for way too long. I was about 6 months along & I had to go to the drs. I remember crying the whole way there, I remember Eric crying the whole way there...holding my hand telling me it would be okay. It was okay...he was just being lazy. Even the day he was born I was sure something was going to happen to him, that someone was going to take him away from. They didn't & 8 years later he's still mine.
No, you never look at pregnancy the same again. You always hope for the best, prepare for the worst & pray you fall somewhere inbetween. We starting trying again Jan 2005. We found out in Feb that I was pregnant. 5 days later I found out that it wasn't meant to be. I was saddened when I thought of yet another child I would never hold in my arms. Another child who would never call me mama or know how much I loved & wanted them. Miscarriage #2 But for all my saddness I was expecting to lose this child. I figured it had happened the first time it would happen again. I also expected that now I would get pregnant & things would be okay. Like with Logan, it made sense right? In April I found out yet again I was pregnant. I was sick, but not as bad as with Logan. I figured that I had payed my dues on morning sickness so it was okay. By 6 weeks we taught Logan to say I'm going to be a big brother. On Mother's Day/my birthday we let Logan tell everyone. I was nearly 7 weeks along. Things looked like they might just be okay. Then May 22nd I started bleeding again. I went to the hospital & they did an ultrasound. They couldn't see the baby...I must not be as far as I thought. I was nearly 9 weeks. The dr said give it a week. I remember sitting there, feeling the intensive cramps, knowing that it wasn't going to be okay. On May 25th, Eric's birthday, I had to call him & ask him to meet me at the hospital. I had lost the baby, this time my body had kicked it out. I was at the hospital when Eric got there. I couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop yelling, couldn't stop saying how sorry I was. Miscarriage #3...it only gets harder from there.
I was told not to try for a couple of months, I wondered why? I was sure we would never have another child. I was sure that Logan was going to be the only one. The things that people say are so mean & cruel & they never know how badly they hurt you. I heard things like don't worry, you concieve so eaisly. Imagine if you couldn't even get pregnant how hard that would be? At least you get pregnant! Wow, you don't have any problems getting pregnant. What would you know about infertility? I wanted to scream at them...what did it matter how often I was pregnant if I never carried the child to term. I wanted to scream to them, that I would rather never be pregnant than turn another one of my babies over to God. I couldn't understand how people would be so insensitive...but these weren't just strangers. This was our family & friends would say things like this. I couldn't understand how they didn't see that wether I got pregnant or not I was never getting to hold my baby in my arms. I remember that pain all to clearly. I remember thinking that I couldn't go on. I slipped into a pretty intense depression. I stopped talking to God, he wasn't listening.
Months went by & I didn't concieve. I didn't understand why? I just figured it was over, we would never have another child. I figured that our family was set with just the 3 of us. I remember the guilt of feeling like it was all my fault. That I had caused it somehow. Finally 7 months we found out I was pregnant at the start of Dec. Christmas Eve that year was terrible, I started to bleed yet again. I swore I couldn't do it again. I dropped to my knees & for the first time in months I prayed, I pleaded, I begged just please don't take my baby. Really after that first incident my pregnancy with Kolby was so smooth. I didn't enjoy the beginning, but I made myself enjoy the end. It was my last afterall. We had figured that we wouldn't have anymore after this. So one year & 2 miscarriages later I was pregnant with Kolby. He would join our family in Aug of 2006.
I had put that fear & pain behind me until I found out I was pregnant with Emily. She wasn't planned, so I hadn't had the time to prep myself for what might come. She was totally not expected & in my mind totally unwated. I hadn't let my mind know what my heart already felt, that I wanted her more than anything else in the world. When I got over the total shock & terror of having another child I sat down & prayed. I prayed to God that his will be done, but my Lord please do not place this child inside of me unless you plan to let me have her. I was terrified for months that I would accept this pregnancy, want this baby girl (not that it had been confirmed, but I knew what my heart was telling me)& then God's will would be to never let me hold her. To never hear her sweet voice or feel her little hands on my skin. No I knew I couldn't handle it if this were to be the plan. I would cry at night, for me, for Eric, for the boys, for the baby I was carrying in my womb, & mostly for the 3 angels that were not with us. Because Emily was unexpected we heard some pretty interesting things, things that once again hurt deeply. People actually said well geez you don't have any issues having kids I wanted to personally grab them & shake them as hard as I could. Did they not realize that I had already given 3 beautiful babies back to God. Did they not realize that I was so fearful that I would yet be forced to hand another baby over. As it was my pregnancy with Emily turned out to be really uneventful. Sometimes I would be so busy that until she started kicking me I would forget that she was there. That was it was uneventful until the night she was born. Emily was born blue. She was not crying like a new baby should. I remember thinking that something was not right. I kept asking is something wrong? whats wrong? why isn't she crying , why is she blue? Her cord had been compressed during delivery & had the dr not been so quick to react, had God not been there watching over us I am not convinced that we would have had the same outcome. I didn't talk about it after she was born & sometimes people are shocked to find out that this had happened. She was okay so quickly afterwards & she did figure out how to use her lungs her so I just never mentioned it, but I do have the pictures (& terrible memories) to show how blue she was.
It never matters how long it's been or what is going on. I always feel a deep seated fear that someone is going ot take my children away. I always want to warn newly pregnant woman that they shouldn't get too attached to the child they are carrying. I always remember my babies that are not here with me & I always feel the pain when I hear of someone trying to have children who can't. I always go back to long ago when I didn't have 3 beautiful children running around the house, driving me crazy. It's the kind of pain you never forget, you just learn to live with.
3.25.2011
3.19.2011
Not a good day...
no today has been rough. It has been trying & left me wondering a whole lot of things. I have spoken words in anger & not let Christ love shine through my heart. I am regretful for the things I have said & I know a heart full of regret is not a good place for Christ to dwell. I have fallen & now I need to pick myself up. I know that I am disappointed, but I know others are even more so. I know that Christ calls me to love those that love me & to love those that hate me even more. I know that I am to love my neighbor as I love myself & today I have not done that. I need to pray tonight even more so than most nights. I need to pray for God to guide me & show me how to deal with the situation at hand. I need to ask him to guide those that I love & to lead them to the places that they need to be. Tonight I need Christ to cover those I love with his peace & protection. I need him to show compassion like only he can. I need him to help those that need him so that they may see the truth & they may begin to forgive themselves. It will be a long, hard journey...but I know & believe with all my heart that through Christ all things are possible. I know & believe that even when we don't love ourselves, Christ loves us & wants us to come to him so that he might be able to help us. I know that even in times when we turn on Christ he does not turn on us. I know that for some that I love they need to know these things to. They need to know that although they do not deserve his forgiveness Christ will forgive them if they come to his table & ask. I need them to start to see that Christ is there even when we haven't asked him to be, even when we think that he has left us all alone. I know this feeling of worthlessness. I know how it feels when you think you can't do anything right & that no one can possibly love you. I have been shown that in reality we are never, ever alone & that Christ never stops loving us. I need the ones I love to see Christ & feel Christ presence as I have in recent years. I need them to learn to listen & follow with an open heart & eyes closed.
I know Christ is protecting you right now & that he is watching out for you. I hope that you go to him & let him begin to heal you. I love you & I know that you are strong & you can do this. All my love always
I know Christ is protecting you right now & that he is watching out for you. I hope that you go to him & let him begin to heal you. I love you & I know that you are strong & you can do this. All my love always
3.18.2011
Hmmm....
Well I was writing something that I have been thinking about for awhile, but when I started it just didn't come out like I wanted it to. I wasn't able to get across what I wanted to say in a meaningful way. I wanted people to think about what I was saying & possibly make a change in their own lives. Today just wasn't that day. Oh well, it is saved in the draft section & maybe in a couple of days I will be more inspired to return to it. I do know that I won't post it until it is just right, even if I change it a little at a time. I wonder if that is what God is doing with me, changing me a little at a time? He changes me so slowly without me even noticing & then when I finally do notice it is like WoW...I am someone new. He puts people in my path, both positive & not so positive, & then I have to see the difference between them. Some of those people wouldn't even realize that I am growing just by knowing them. That they have made me look at myself & made me want to be a better person. Sometimes it is because I see the person I want to be in them. Sometimes it is because I feel like I am looking into a mirror & I don't like what I see. I know that in the coming months I have some really hard choices to make because I have grown & changed. I know that I will hurt some people, but I have to do what I know is best. I know that I can't love the Lord the way that I am meant to if I surround myself with negative forces. I have to love him completely & as he deserves to be loved. I feel like I really need to surround myself with positive, pure forces so that I can be open to the Lord's love in my life. Hatred, anger, gossip, jealousy...these are not the work of the Lord, they are Satan's work & him pulling me towards him. If someone is bringing these things into my life then I need to be strong enough to walk away from that relationship. I want to be a better person, but not just better. I want to be the best me that I can be because if I am not being the best me possible, then I am not being the me that God created. Here's to change & growth one day at a time.
3.17.2011
And what is that something BIG...
DISCLAIMER: My blog is my blog & while I may write somethings from the past that will hurt others feelings, please realize that I have forgiven & I have moved on. I do not hold ill feelings towards others that have hurt me in the past. Sometimes it's just important to bring up the past to better understand the present.
The truth is that when I finally sat down for a minute (doesn't happen often in my world) and really thought about how I got to where I was in the right here & now, I realized that a lot of different things have happened to lead me to this place. The main thing is my ever growing faith in God. I have been on a growing & learning path for a really, really long time. But, in the last 3 years I have done the most of my growing & I have done it on my own. Now obviously, I don't mean "on my own" as in without any help, I just mean I haven't been to church & I havent' had somebody preaching his or her version down my throat. I have though most definitely had the help of God. Really, it's been all him & me learning to listen to what he is saying. It's been my faith growing & me learning to not ask why. It's been me learning to follow, blindly if I must & believe that the bigger plan is more important than the here & now plan.
So what has happened in the last 3 years that has brought me to today. That's a lot to answer and I don't know if I could fully explain it in a blog, but to help you really understand my something big, I'm going to try. We (as in Eric, Logan, Kolby & myself) ended 2007 & rang in 2008 while visiting family in Texas. It was at a point when Logan's behavior & uniqueness were really becoming apparent. It was a different kind of visit to say the least. I did a couple of blogs about it back then and you can read more about it here and here. To sum it up things were said, feeling (mine imparticular) were hurt, & I really felt a lot of hate in my heart. Right after the new year I got a call from my parents saying my great-grandfather had a stroke and was in the hospital. He was really old, so it wasn't like a huge shock but it hurt because I had spent an awful lot of time with my great-grandparents as a small child. We came home a few days later and life resumed. On Feb 15th my great-grandfather passed away. Our family (my grandmother, parents, aunt, sister, & I) had a long debate over whether or not we should tell my great-grandmother because she had Alzheimer's. It was decided best to tell her & we did on that Sunday. The following Tues she went into the hospital and it was never determined what exactly had happened to her. She would talk in gibberish & then look right at me & speak perfect English. Sitting in her room was strange because although there was only 2 of us in there the room always felt crowded. It was like she literally died of a broken heart & my great-grandfather had come calling. On the Fri of the same week, my grandmother went to the ER for stomach pain in the morning and by that night she had coded and was brought back and placed in the ICU. We spent the next couple of weeks were spent between 2 hospitals and trying to figure out who I would visit and who's bed I would sit by. So much of it was a blur, and while I knew my great-grandmother would not make it, I still prayed that God would hear my prayers and heal my grandmother like he had so many times before. She was only 69 after all! My great-grandmother passed away on March 7th and went to be with my great-grandfather in a much better place. It was so sad, but yet so wonderful to see her at peace finally after the last years of suffering. My grandmother would get better, get worse & you would never know what was going to happen next. It was obvious God was not hearing me, maybe my prayers were too little for him I thought. I mean I was praying like I had been taught...please dear lord, make her better, heal her, cure her...please lord her me cry to you, let your will be done and i will accept it. The problem was I didn't mean it, I didn't really mean his will, I meant my will and it was becoming all to obvious to me that he didn't understand what I was really saying. I got the call on Monday March 17th. She wasn't going to make it, we were going to have to say good-bye. I couldn't believe it...how could he have let me down. So much for being by my side and holding me when times were tough. I barely remember the following hours, but yet they seem like yesterday...a blurry, confusing yesterday. She passed that evening with her family by her side. I was like a zombie. I just kept waiting for her to wake up, for someone, anyone to wake me up to tell me it had been a horrid dream. I never woke up...well, not then not right away. I finally cried my eyes out one day in April. As the following months went on and our lives drastically changed right before our eyes, my loss became apparent. Sometimes I yelled at God, but most of the time I just didn't talk to him. I didn't need him I told myself, he had let me down so many times through out the past & this was my final straw. He had taken away 3 people that I loved so dearly at the same time & one of them had no business being taken from me, from her family. And then he was allowing other things to occur that just were not right. Less than six months after my grandmother had passed away my grandfather had found a new woman to dedicate his life to. It wasn't like I had time to grieve or was allowed to grieve. I was told get on board or get out of the way. I got on board, what else was I soppose to do. The holidays came and it was terrible. I drank my way through them & looking back the last 5 months of 2008 were a big drinking time for me. I drank to forget my pain, or maybe it was to feel my pain, I still don't know. The bottom line is I drank more than I should have & if the Lord hadn't intervened in ways that I couldn't understand then I would have drank myself into a terrible situation. Eric & I had also decided towards the end of 2007 that we were done having children. Although our family never had felt complete, we came to our own conclusion that God was telling us that we were done. We really wouldn't be able to afford another child & it didn't seem that God was going to provide a way for us to. We figured this was his way of speaking to us. It was hard to let go of never having another child, but I put my mind to it, accepted it & began to move on. If this was to be my family, and it was a good family, then I should work on making it the best family that it could be. I spent New Years 2008/2009 in the woods with my family, including my grandfather & his soon to be wife. It was not a pleasent New Years...so I drank. In Jan. 2009 to finalize in my mind (not my heart) that we were in fact done with having babies I gave all of my baby stuff to a friend who was expecting. I smiled & I told everyone I could that we were soooo done. I'm not sure if I was trying to convince others or myself. Although I kept telling myself that I accepted this, I kept praying to the Lord for answers. It just didn't feel right. I begged him to answer me or give me a sign. Were we really done? Why did I have this yearning in my heart for one more baby? Once again I didn't feel I was getting any answers & this time I told myself, maybe I had ticked him off just a little too much with all my ranting. I mean I hadn't talked to him in months & now because my heart was on fire for another child I wanted to be best friends. No wonder he wasn't answering me. I guess God realized that I was slightly denser than some & I was more along the line of show me than let me feel it because in Feb 2009 I got a BIG obvious answer to my prayers. I guess he didn't want me to miss him speaking to me this time....he went ahead & put a baby in my belly. Looking back I realize that the fire in my heart, the yearning for another child, the uneasy feeling as we talked about ways to permanent ways to prevent more children...all of that was the Lord speaking to me. I just wasn't listening to him. The Feb that I found out I was expecting was one year (almost to the day) that my grandmother had gone into the hospital and exactly one month before the 1 year anniversary of her death. She had always told me God had big plans for me. She would tell me that we weren't done with kids because I still had a baby girl coming to me. She had been told. Crazy old lady I would say. From the moment I got over the shock & anger because we weren't soppose to have more kids, I knew in my heart we were having our baby girl. Maybe she had been told after all, but why did she have to miss it. I was pissed like you wouldn't imagine. I didn't say thank you Lord for answering my most secret prayers, nope I yelled & screamed like a little kid because my grandmother wasn't here. At some point in there I started reading an amazing man, Max Lucado. I had picked up In the Eye of the Storm really cheap and I loved it. I started out by reading it quickly like I do everything that I read & then I stopped, started over, & really started to think about the message I was reading. It made sense & for the first time in a long time I felt some sort of peace in my heart. I also started to hear God speaking to me, not that I was always listening yet. Then I read He Chose the Nails, once again amazing read. Started listening to podcast, starting reading my bible...finally started listening, really listening. Not to what I wanted to hear, but to what God was really saying. I started understanding that Gods will was greater than my own. That his plans were bigger than mine & that I had to follow his lead. My plans were just that,mine & when I showed them to the Lord, he would slowly reveal his plans to me. They weren't always the same plans, but I had to go with the flow & I had to trust that he knew what was best. I had to stop asking why all the time. Time passed & I would love to say I grew in huge amounts, but I didn't. I grew tiny bits, but those bits were the foundation for that something bigger that God has in mind for me. Emily joined our family & I realize that I could have never lived with out her. Our family was not complete, so whether others thought that we might of needed another baby like we needed a hole in our heads or not it doesn't matter to me anymore. I know we needed her & I know the Lord wanted us to have her.
A year ago next month our lives took a huge turn that we didn't see coming & it was yet one of my biggest test of faith. I felt like I was in a good place as far as my faith was concerned, but I honestly didn't know how much more I was about to grow. In April 2009 Logan, my first born, was diagnosised with Autism Spectrum Disorders & ADHD. I'm sitting here crying as I am writing this, probably because it is the first time that I have openly written about it. I can remember that day like it was yesterday, part of it blurry like a dream & yet the feelings are so clear. The dr looked at me after I had rambled non stop for 40 mins & asked if I had ever heard of Aspergers. I immediately lost my breath, like someone had punched me in the stomach. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't. I needed to seem like a normal, put together mom. I couldn't act like a hystercial lunatic. I told him he was wrong, obviously Logan did not have any form of Autism. He held my hand & asked me to listen to what he had to say. An hour later I had a referal to The Rothman Center, they specialized in things like this. Eric & I had agreed to get a second opinion. We talked as we walked to lunch at All Children's Hospital & although neither one of us wanted to say it out loud, we did agree & we both knew that this was a long, long road that had just been laid ahead of us. I remember calling my mom & being frustrated because she questioned what I had said or why did I agree with this. I was frustrated because I wanted to move forward & just accept this for waht it was. I didn't want to be in denial. Then I called my sister & she totally agreed. She had just studied this in school & she could totally see where Logan had fit the discription. She wasn't shocked at all. I was really frustrated with her. SERIOUSLY...I wanted to yell if you thought it was a possibility, why the hell didn't you tell me. I was frustrated because she agreed with me. I realized that I didn't want others to accept what I had stared to accept, but I didn't want them to openly challenge me as my mom just had. Great, I wasn't really sure what I wanted. We told Eric's parents & no one else. I clearly needed time to accept what was going on. I needed to hear someone else tell me what I knew in my heart. Logan got into The Rothman Center quickly & we left there with the same diagnosis that we had previously been told. She diagnosised Logan with Autism Spectrum Disorders with a sub diagnosis of ADHD. She also said he suffered from Sensory Processing Disorder (which we already knew) & had OCD tendencies. She said if we couldn't get him to mello when it came to OCD, he would wind up needing to be medicated for that in the future. We accepted the medication for ADHD, which was not easy. I have always been opposed to medicating children for ADHD & here I was having to accept that my child needed medication. I won't lie, I started to slip right back into the old routin of why God, why me, why Logan???? Why are you doing this to me, why my baby...why should he have to suffer? Why does his life have to be hard? Why do you hate us so much? The same thing that it had always been, it wasn't my way & I didn't like it. These weren't my plans, in fact I finally realized what the whole thing about Holland was. I had just found out that I was actually living in Holland, not Italy. Strangly, I realized that I didn't want to cry, I wanted to fight, to figure out what was best for Logan & what needed to be done next. I had two choices, I could yell at God or I could ask him for his help & really listen to what he was saying, I started praying, but really praying this time. Only God could get us through this, only he could lead me & I had to trust him completely. I did just that. For probably the first time in my life, I really listened. I really started paying attention & I really started to feel at peace. And the more at peace I felt about Logan, the easier other choices in life became. We started to realize that although we had health insurance Logan's co-pays were going to eat us alive. We realized that with the addition of Emily we were barely scraping by. We had tried to do things to make our house payments more affordable, but were very ussuccsessful. It seemed that mortage companies only helped those that didn't try to help themselves. Basically because we paid our mortage on time, there wasn't anything they could do. We had to be in default before they would help us. I was beginning to feel doubtful that there was going to be a solution for us that we could live with. I prayed & I prayed. I waited for the answers to come. Finally after months of prayer I started to feel comfortable with letting our house go. It seemed like the only solution out there. It was devestating to think that what we had worked for would be all gone. I prayed that God would lead me in the right path & give Eric the ability to accept what we were about to do. After making phone calls & more phone calls & more phone calls someone asked me if I had heard of a short sale. I told them that we had asked about it early on and we were told that we couldn't do one. I got the approval a few hours later, hired a relator, & finally started to feel a little better about the situation. The relator advised us to hire an attorney & gave us the card of one that she worked with often. Doris was a godsend. She was like a little angle that God had sent to help us through the next several months as we sold away the house that we had worked so hard for. None of it made sense, but then some of it did over time. During this same time I had started to homeschool Logan until we could get school situated. The previous 2 years had left him hating school & had left the teachers treating him poorly. I realized that between unresolved family issues, all that we had been through with the house & Logan my heart was quickly filled with a lot of hate. I was once again filled with anger & rage & an unwillingness to forgive those who had wronged me. I didn't take it out on God this time, I was sure he was on my side, but I also wouldn't forgive. When a very amazing woman I know posted a topic on Facebook about forgiveness I was inspired to think about my life at the current moment. I realized that what she was saying was so true, even if I did not want to believe it. I once again searched out Max Lucado. His writings always offerd so much insight to me. I picked up A Love Worth Giving. By the time I had finished my heart was beginning to heal. The anger was leaving me & I was working on forgiving those that needed my forgiveness. It wasn't about them asking for it or them deserving it. It was about my love for Christ & how he fogives me although I don't deserve his forgiveness either. I was at peace in my life & even in times of great difficulty I felt like God was guiding me. I knew I was never alone & I felt that way. I found homeschooling Logan to be one of the most difficult things that I had ever done, but I prayed & God once again answered. I found that when I was going into a hard meeting or a difficult situation I acutually invited God to come with me. I told him I would save him a seat & I knew that he would be there with me. I was at peace. By Jan of this year Logan was settled in the Quest Program (gifted program) at Challenger K-8 & our house sale was approved. Logan was doing amazing in school & his teacher expressed how she felt that the little boy in the papers was not the little boy in her class. Her Logan was amazing, smart, well behaved, obident, excited about school. WOW...I knew my Logan was awesome, I had just waited what seemed like a really long time for someone else to finally realize it. She also told me what an amazing mother I was & that made me cry. It made my heart swell with joy, my little boy was going to be okay even if it was only in the right here & now. At the same time we found out that the bank would sign away all the deficency that was left on the house. We would be able to walk away from this experience with nothing but knowledge of what we had learned during the process. So that brings me to the here & now. I don't know why this is where we are. I don't know why Logan has ASD, I don't know why he had to suffer so much & I don't know why we had to walk away from our house. I guess I would like to know the answers, but if they aren't for me to know then I am okay with that. I do know that God is here with me, that he has guided me to this place right now. I listen to my heart, to the feelings deep inside. Sometimes I share them with Eric or others & sometimes I don't, but I listen to them. I pay attention to the littlest things that I may have missed before. I know that when my heart is at peace I am in the right place.
So as for the big thing that I am right on the verge of, I'm not sure what it is. God hasn't told me yet. I'm sure with time he'll reveal his most amazing plan for me. I'm almost certain it won't jive with whatever plans I've made for myself, but I am 100% certain that his plans are bigger & better than mine. I haven't ever shared most of this, but all of a sudden I felt compelled to write. I have been thinking of what I wanted to say & suddenly I knew I had to start this blog. So for now I'm enjoying life today. I'm enjoying writing again, something I stopped awhile ago. I'm enjoying the inspiration that I feel & the fire burning inside of me to share it. I'm enjoying growing & learning about myself with the Lord as my guide.
The truth is that when I finally sat down for a minute (doesn't happen often in my world) and really thought about how I got to where I was in the right here & now, I realized that a lot of different things have happened to lead me to this place. The main thing is my ever growing faith in God. I have been on a growing & learning path for a really, really long time. But, in the last 3 years I have done the most of my growing & I have done it on my own. Now obviously, I don't mean "on my own" as in without any help, I just mean I haven't been to church & I havent' had somebody preaching his or her version down my throat. I have though most definitely had the help of God. Really, it's been all him & me learning to listen to what he is saying. It's been my faith growing & me learning to not ask why. It's been me learning to follow, blindly if I must & believe that the bigger plan is more important than the here & now plan.
So what has happened in the last 3 years that has brought me to today. That's a lot to answer and I don't know if I could fully explain it in a blog, but to help you really understand my something big, I'm going to try. We (as in Eric, Logan, Kolby & myself) ended 2007 & rang in 2008 while visiting family in Texas. It was at a point when Logan's behavior & uniqueness were really becoming apparent. It was a different kind of visit to say the least. I did a couple of blogs about it back then and you can read more about it here and here. To sum it up things were said, feeling (mine imparticular) were hurt, & I really felt a lot of hate in my heart. Right after the new year I got a call from my parents saying my great-grandfather had a stroke and was in the hospital. He was really old, so it wasn't like a huge shock but it hurt because I had spent an awful lot of time with my great-grandparents as a small child. We came home a few days later and life resumed. On Feb 15th my great-grandfather passed away. Our family (my grandmother, parents, aunt, sister, & I) had a long debate over whether or not we should tell my great-grandmother because she had Alzheimer's. It was decided best to tell her & we did on that Sunday. The following Tues she went into the hospital and it was never determined what exactly had happened to her. She would talk in gibberish & then look right at me & speak perfect English. Sitting in her room was strange because although there was only 2 of us in there the room always felt crowded. It was like she literally died of a broken heart & my great-grandfather had come calling. On the Fri of the same week, my grandmother went to the ER for stomach pain in the morning and by that night she had coded and was brought back and placed in the ICU. We spent the next couple of weeks were spent between 2 hospitals and trying to figure out who I would visit and who's bed I would sit by. So much of it was a blur, and while I knew my great-grandmother would not make it, I still prayed that God would hear my prayers and heal my grandmother like he had so many times before. She was only 69 after all! My great-grandmother passed away on March 7th and went to be with my great-grandfather in a much better place. It was so sad, but yet so wonderful to see her at peace finally after the last years of suffering. My grandmother would get better, get worse & you would never know what was going to happen next. It was obvious God was not hearing me, maybe my prayers were too little for him I thought. I mean I was praying like I had been taught...please dear lord, make her better, heal her, cure her...please lord her me cry to you, let your will be done and i will accept it. The problem was I didn't mean it, I didn't really mean his will, I meant my will and it was becoming all to obvious to me that he didn't understand what I was really saying. I got the call on Monday March 17th. She wasn't going to make it, we were going to have to say good-bye. I couldn't believe it...how could he have let me down. So much for being by my side and holding me when times were tough. I barely remember the following hours, but yet they seem like yesterday...a blurry, confusing yesterday. She passed that evening with her family by her side. I was like a zombie. I just kept waiting for her to wake up, for someone, anyone to wake me up to tell me it had been a horrid dream. I never woke up...well, not then not right away. I finally cried my eyes out one day in April. As the following months went on and our lives drastically changed right before our eyes, my loss became apparent. Sometimes I yelled at God, but most of the time I just didn't talk to him. I didn't need him I told myself, he had let me down so many times through out the past & this was my final straw. He had taken away 3 people that I loved so dearly at the same time & one of them had no business being taken from me, from her family. And then he was allowing other things to occur that just were not right. Less than six months after my grandmother had passed away my grandfather had found a new woman to dedicate his life to. It wasn't like I had time to grieve or was allowed to grieve. I was told get on board or get out of the way. I got on board, what else was I soppose to do. The holidays came and it was terrible. I drank my way through them & looking back the last 5 months of 2008 were a big drinking time for me. I drank to forget my pain, or maybe it was to feel my pain, I still don't know. The bottom line is I drank more than I should have & if the Lord hadn't intervened in ways that I couldn't understand then I would have drank myself into a terrible situation. Eric & I had also decided towards the end of 2007 that we were done having children. Although our family never had felt complete, we came to our own conclusion that God was telling us that we were done. We really wouldn't be able to afford another child & it didn't seem that God was going to provide a way for us to. We figured this was his way of speaking to us. It was hard to let go of never having another child, but I put my mind to it, accepted it & began to move on. If this was to be my family, and it was a good family, then I should work on making it the best family that it could be. I spent New Years 2008/2009 in the woods with my family, including my grandfather & his soon to be wife. It was not a pleasent New Years...so I drank. In Jan. 2009 to finalize in my mind (not my heart) that we were in fact done with having babies I gave all of my baby stuff to a friend who was expecting. I smiled & I told everyone I could that we were soooo done. I'm not sure if I was trying to convince others or myself. Although I kept telling myself that I accepted this, I kept praying to the Lord for answers. It just didn't feel right. I begged him to answer me or give me a sign. Were we really done? Why did I have this yearning in my heart for one more baby? Once again I didn't feel I was getting any answers & this time I told myself, maybe I had ticked him off just a little too much with all my ranting. I mean I hadn't talked to him in months & now because my heart was on fire for another child I wanted to be best friends. No wonder he wasn't answering me. I guess God realized that I was slightly denser than some & I was more along the line of show me than let me feel it because in Feb 2009 I got a BIG obvious answer to my prayers. I guess he didn't want me to miss him speaking to me this time....he went ahead & put a baby in my belly. Looking back I realize that the fire in my heart, the yearning for another child, the uneasy feeling as we talked about ways to permanent ways to prevent more children...all of that was the Lord speaking to me. I just wasn't listening to him. The Feb that I found out I was expecting was one year (almost to the day) that my grandmother had gone into the hospital and exactly one month before the 1 year anniversary of her death. She had always told me God had big plans for me. She would tell me that we weren't done with kids because I still had a baby girl coming to me. She had been told. Crazy old lady I would say. From the moment I got over the shock & anger because we weren't soppose to have more kids, I knew in my heart we were having our baby girl. Maybe she had been told after all, but why did she have to miss it. I was pissed like you wouldn't imagine. I didn't say thank you Lord for answering my most secret prayers, nope I yelled & screamed like a little kid because my grandmother wasn't here. At some point in there I started reading an amazing man, Max Lucado. I had picked up In the Eye of the Storm really cheap and I loved it. I started out by reading it quickly like I do everything that I read & then I stopped, started over, & really started to think about the message I was reading. It made sense & for the first time in a long time I felt some sort of peace in my heart. I also started to hear God speaking to me, not that I was always listening yet. Then I read He Chose the Nails, once again amazing read. Started listening to podcast, starting reading my bible...finally started listening, really listening. Not to what I wanted to hear, but to what God was really saying. I started understanding that Gods will was greater than my own. That his plans were bigger than mine & that I had to follow his lead. My plans were just that,mine & when I showed them to the Lord, he would slowly reveal his plans to me. They weren't always the same plans, but I had to go with the flow & I had to trust that he knew what was best. I had to stop asking why all the time. Time passed & I would love to say I grew in huge amounts, but I didn't. I grew tiny bits, but those bits were the foundation for that something bigger that God has in mind for me. Emily joined our family & I realize that I could have never lived with out her. Our family was not complete, so whether others thought that we might of needed another baby like we needed a hole in our heads or not it doesn't matter to me anymore. I know we needed her & I know the Lord wanted us to have her.
A year ago next month our lives took a huge turn that we didn't see coming & it was yet one of my biggest test of faith. I felt like I was in a good place as far as my faith was concerned, but I honestly didn't know how much more I was about to grow. In April 2009 Logan, my first born, was diagnosised with Autism Spectrum Disorders & ADHD. I'm sitting here crying as I am writing this, probably because it is the first time that I have openly written about it. I can remember that day like it was yesterday, part of it blurry like a dream & yet the feelings are so clear. The dr looked at me after I had rambled non stop for 40 mins & asked if I had ever heard of Aspergers. I immediately lost my breath, like someone had punched me in the stomach. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't. I needed to seem like a normal, put together mom. I couldn't act like a hystercial lunatic. I told him he was wrong, obviously Logan did not have any form of Autism. He held my hand & asked me to listen to what he had to say. An hour later I had a referal to The Rothman Center, they specialized in things like this. Eric & I had agreed to get a second opinion. We talked as we walked to lunch at All Children's Hospital & although neither one of us wanted to say it out loud, we did agree & we both knew that this was a long, long road that had just been laid ahead of us. I remember calling my mom & being frustrated because she questioned what I had said or why did I agree with this. I was frustrated because I wanted to move forward & just accept this for waht it was. I didn't want to be in denial. Then I called my sister & she totally agreed. She had just studied this in school & she could totally see where Logan had fit the discription. She wasn't shocked at all. I was really frustrated with her. SERIOUSLY...I wanted to yell if you thought it was a possibility, why the hell didn't you tell me. I was frustrated because she agreed with me. I realized that I didn't want others to accept what I had stared to accept, but I didn't want them to openly challenge me as my mom just had. Great, I wasn't really sure what I wanted. We told Eric's parents & no one else. I clearly needed time to accept what was going on. I needed to hear someone else tell me what I knew in my heart. Logan got into The Rothman Center quickly & we left there with the same diagnosis that we had previously been told. She diagnosised Logan with Autism Spectrum Disorders with a sub diagnosis of ADHD. She also said he suffered from Sensory Processing Disorder (which we already knew) & had OCD tendencies. She said if we couldn't get him to mello when it came to OCD, he would wind up needing to be medicated for that in the future. We accepted the medication for ADHD, which was not easy. I have always been opposed to medicating children for ADHD & here I was having to accept that my child needed medication. I won't lie, I started to slip right back into the old routin of why God, why me, why Logan???? Why are you doing this to me, why my baby...why should he have to suffer? Why does his life have to be hard? Why do you hate us so much? The same thing that it had always been, it wasn't my way & I didn't like it. These weren't my plans, in fact I finally realized what the whole thing about Holland was. I had just found out that I was actually living in Holland, not Italy. Strangly, I realized that I didn't want to cry, I wanted to fight, to figure out what was best for Logan & what needed to be done next. I had two choices, I could yell at God or I could ask him for his help & really listen to what he was saying, I started praying, but really praying this time. Only God could get us through this, only he could lead me & I had to trust him completely. I did just that. For probably the first time in my life, I really listened. I really started paying attention & I really started to feel at peace. And the more at peace I felt about Logan, the easier other choices in life became. We started to realize that although we had health insurance Logan's co-pays were going to eat us alive. We realized that with the addition of Emily we were barely scraping by. We had tried to do things to make our house payments more affordable, but were very ussuccsessful. It seemed that mortage companies only helped those that didn't try to help themselves. Basically because we paid our mortage on time, there wasn't anything they could do. We had to be in default before they would help us. I was beginning to feel doubtful that there was going to be a solution for us that we could live with. I prayed & I prayed. I waited for the answers to come. Finally after months of prayer I started to feel comfortable with letting our house go. It seemed like the only solution out there. It was devestating to think that what we had worked for would be all gone. I prayed that God would lead me in the right path & give Eric the ability to accept what we were about to do. After making phone calls & more phone calls & more phone calls someone asked me if I had heard of a short sale. I told them that we had asked about it early on and we were told that we couldn't do one. I got the approval a few hours later, hired a relator, & finally started to feel a little better about the situation. The relator advised us to hire an attorney & gave us the card of one that she worked with often. Doris was a godsend. She was like a little angle that God had sent to help us through the next several months as we sold away the house that we had worked so hard for. None of it made sense, but then some of it did over time. During this same time I had started to homeschool Logan until we could get school situated. The previous 2 years had left him hating school & had left the teachers treating him poorly. I realized that between unresolved family issues, all that we had been through with the house & Logan my heart was quickly filled with a lot of hate. I was once again filled with anger & rage & an unwillingness to forgive those who had wronged me. I didn't take it out on God this time, I was sure he was on my side, but I also wouldn't forgive. When a very amazing woman I know posted a topic on Facebook about forgiveness I was inspired to think about my life at the current moment. I realized that what she was saying was so true, even if I did not want to believe it. I once again searched out Max Lucado. His writings always offerd so much insight to me. I picked up A Love Worth Giving. By the time I had finished my heart was beginning to heal. The anger was leaving me & I was working on forgiving those that needed my forgiveness. It wasn't about them asking for it or them deserving it. It was about my love for Christ & how he fogives me although I don't deserve his forgiveness either. I was at peace in my life & even in times of great difficulty I felt like God was guiding me. I knew I was never alone & I felt that way. I found homeschooling Logan to be one of the most difficult things that I had ever done, but I prayed & God once again answered. I found that when I was going into a hard meeting or a difficult situation I acutually invited God to come with me. I told him I would save him a seat & I knew that he would be there with me. I was at peace. By Jan of this year Logan was settled in the Quest Program (gifted program) at Challenger K-8 & our house sale was approved. Logan was doing amazing in school & his teacher expressed how she felt that the little boy in the papers was not the little boy in her class. Her Logan was amazing, smart, well behaved, obident, excited about school. WOW...I knew my Logan was awesome, I had just waited what seemed like a really long time for someone else to finally realize it. She also told me what an amazing mother I was & that made me cry. It made my heart swell with joy, my little boy was going to be okay even if it was only in the right here & now. At the same time we found out that the bank would sign away all the deficency that was left on the house. We would be able to walk away from this experience with nothing but knowledge of what we had learned during the process. So that brings me to the here & now. I don't know why this is where we are. I don't know why Logan has ASD, I don't know why he had to suffer so much & I don't know why we had to walk away from our house. I guess I would like to know the answers, but if they aren't for me to know then I am okay with that. I do know that God is here with me, that he has guided me to this place right now. I listen to my heart, to the feelings deep inside. Sometimes I share them with Eric or others & sometimes I don't, but I listen to them. I pay attention to the littlest things that I may have missed before. I know that when my heart is at peace I am in the right place.
So as for the big thing that I am right on the verge of, I'm not sure what it is. God hasn't told me yet. I'm sure with time he'll reveal his most amazing plan for me. I'm almost certain it won't jive with whatever plans I've made for myself, but I am 100% certain that his plans are bigger & better than mine. I haven't ever shared most of this, but all of a sudden I felt compelled to write. I have been thinking of what I wanted to say & suddenly I knew I had to start this blog. So for now I'm enjoying life today. I'm enjoying writing again, something I stopped awhile ago. I'm enjoying the inspiration that I feel & the fire burning inside of me to share it. I'm enjoying growing & learning about myself with the Lord as my guide.
3.16.2011
Another Test
Let's see if I can get this on FB like I want. I think I have it set up right, now to try :)
Trying Hard....
I am so trying hard to make my blog just like I want it to look & it's just not happening. I have so much to write, but I get so tied up with the look that I tend to never get around to writing. I have been working on this for the last week in the few moments that I am given here & there. So if you have found this please be patient with me, the writing & thoughts will come. I can't promise that it will be profound or worth reading, but just stick with me till I get there.
3.15.2011
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