Blessed & Thankful

   As I'm finishing up my portion of the food for today's festivities I'm listening to worship music on Pandora & I can't help but let my mind float off to this past year & the event that have unfolded in my life.  I realize that I have
so very much to be thankful for & yet this has been one of the worst & toughest years I have faced in so long.  I have have emotionally fallen apart & hidden it from those closest to me.  I encountered some sort of crazy that I didn't even know existed inside of me.  And yet, I have so much to be thankful for.  Seeing God's loving hand all over this past year, despite my crazy, is simply amazing.  Maybe it's my crazy that HE is using right now, in this moment.  And so as it is stated in 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Here is my list of thanks...for falling apart, for being able to hide that until I was ready to talk about it.  I am thankful for discipleship training & the way it opened my eyes to what God is looking for.  I am thankful for the friends that were able to help me understand that God used Kolby's hemophilia to bring Eric closer to HIM & that it is both of their stories.  I am grateful church, both at home & traditional because they both bring me closer to God.  The ability to be obedient & see the fruit of that obedience.  I am thankful for falling into such  beautiful, peaceful, crazy, sometimes horrid homeschool routine & not being able to really remember the life before.  Kolby's huge heart & a friend who helps be accept that he is not mine, but Gods.  I am baffled & thankful to see the young man that Logan has begun to grow into.  The ability to see that God's hands are all over him & that despite all his struggles that we have done something right & that he will be okay.  To witness his maturity and growth and the peace he's come to know most days is beyond me & I am thankful that we serve a loving and mighty God who has given this to him.  For Emily's love of Jesus & her prayer book that she writes in.  To hear her sign worship & know that she means all those words & that her heart is filled with such an immense amount of love.  For her looking me in the eye and saying Sorry momma, I love Jesus more than you. That I am most thankful for.  For Eric & all he ways he has grown & changed this year.  How he has taken the role of leader, at home & at work.  For his determination to be the best father, husband, boss, friend he can be.  For his ability to finish school & feel so good about himself.  For him to finally understand that we are what Jesus says we are.  And a gifts journal which reminds me on my worst days what I am thankful for, second chances, sometimes 3rd, 4th, 5th chances, Emily's laughter, Ocean Waves, Gamble Rogers Park, Felicia's Voice, Isabella's Tia, a cool breeze, my sewing machine, Kolby apologizing without being told & Logan accepting, sibling friendship...even when they gang up on me, Eric accepting me for who I am & loving me through all the crazy, being able to remember my loved ones & accepting the tears that come with those memories, Coffee Pots, Learning to trust myself & knowing that I am broken and that's okay, wrinkles around my eyes & mouth, grey hairs taking over, my mom who shares her wonderful knowledge with me & fixes my sewing machine, Monday mornings, love, care, concern, even anger all my emotions because I know I am alive.  I am thankful for falling apart & having the friends and family who love me & support me & were ready to stand by when I was ready to stop falling apart.  I am thankful for God, that he continually meets me where I am, in the midst of my crazy & wraps  his arms around me.  I am thankful for meds & living with & without anxiety.  I am thankful for the moments that it was so severe that the only thing left to do was drop down to my knees calling out to God because it brought me so much closer to him.  I am thankful for the beautiful day I recently spent alone with Eric at a seafood festival & the freedom I felt.  For journal art and the freedom it gives me to express myself.  And I am so grateful for the day of nothing that I experienced just last week.  It showed the amazing peace I am able to feel when I allow God to take over. Today I am thankful for being able to accept that it's okay, somethings are just more important than beautiful hair & picture perfect family pictures, my boys (big & small) playing football outside, for a holiday without stress or yelling.  That's perfect even though we are so imperfect & so broken.  All through Christ do we become who we are meant to be & for that their is eternal thanks.

I think it's clear this list could go on for a long while, I recorded over 300 gifts this year, nothing close to what I would like to do next year.  But I've learned that it's okay because next year I will do more & it's okay to take baby steps...

I hope you all have a blessed & beautiful Thanksgiving! 

What is Enough?

Today is one of those days.  You see, no matter how hard I try, I simply can't be enough.  I can't do enough.  I can't be the mom I need to be, the wife I need to be, the homeschooler I need to be, the housekeeper I need to be...I simply can't do it.  I can't do it.  I feel like I'm being pulled in 3 directions at once.  Well, being honest, today I am literally being pulled in 3 directions because all 3 kids need me & I can't teach them all at once.  I can't feed them all at once.  I can't do all 3 of them and my laundry and my dishes and the pre surgical registration call and the doctors call about a nose that's swollen prior to surgery and all the other things consuming me.  Today is just one of those days, where I am calmer than I should be.  I say that because despite all the stress I am feeling, all the anxiety of my failures mounting up inside, I haven't yelled a single time.  I haven't told anyone to go away or how disappointed they are making me.  No actually, I've been really patient, really calm.  And sometimes when I get  like this, I'm not sure if it scares my kids or makes them feel better. I say that with a  little smile because Kolby actually asked me where his mommy was today.  Then I type it out & I type with a little tear because that means I'm really not the mommy I want to be.  See I want to be this mommy, the calm mommy even when things get tough.  I'm not usually this mommy.  I'm usually the psycho mommy who is yelling & angry.  But not today, today I am the calm mommy & that is something I need to stop and praise God for.  See I often forget that in these moments I can't be enough, never, no matter how hard I try.  I forget and so I forget to teach my children that they can't ever be enough on their own.  We need a Jesus.  We need his help in every aspect of our life.  We need his grace and  his patience and his love.  We simply need HIM to help us so that we might be our best so that we might bring Him glory in all we do.  See today is that kind of day where I lived intentionally ( no I don't always live this way, but I am getting better at it) and I woke up extra early.  I made my bed, put the laundry in and got a cup of coffee and did my bible before my day began.  I prayed for a good day, I prayed that while I don't always understand this very difficult road of homeschooling I have faith that it's where we belong and so I will trust in God to keep his promises and I prayed that He give me the strength that I needed to get through today.  And I did bible with Emily & I taught her what I know so that one day she may teach her children what she knows.  And I made sure the boys did their bible, but I also made sure they knew what they were reading.  I lived intentionally so that when my day got rough, I would have already started out with peace in my heart knowing that today I was not alone.  I started my journey with homeschooling out on the right foot because God was leading my journey.  When I needed help I turned to him.  At some point it got easier to turn to the friend I was surrounded by and they did a good helping me.  But, only God should be leading this journey.  Only God can help me when the storm is tossing me all around.  Only God can be enough for me & make me enough through him to do this journey the way I want to.  So on a day like today, when I'm living intentionally, I get on my knees and I get low to the ground and I beg God for his mercy and his strength because I am too weak & I can never be enough without him.  So what is enough?  God and his grace is enough.  If never again I receive the answer to a prayer that I've requested and I am meant to spend the rest of my days suffering then let God and his grace will be enough to sustain me. 

Yesterday I realized...

...that I was entering my 5th week of homeschooling.  WOW!!!  I hadn't blogged all summer, but that was kind of the plan since I was trying to have fun with the kiddos & I was preparing for a whole new journey.  But...I had planned to blog through my homeschooling journey & now that I'm five weeks in I think I better get started. 

Let me start off by saying that hardly ever do things go as I expect & homeschooling is no different.  The difference is that usually things are much worse than I anticipate & life is seldom easy for me.  Homeschooling has been this amazingly, wonderful, beautiful journey.  It is so blessed by God that I sometimes I look in the mirror & I can't believe that this is me or that I am actually doing this.  Like for instance, it's lunch break right now.  I am sitting at my computer typing my thoughts (while eating some noodles) & the kids are watching a show eating their lunch.  There is no yelling, no screaming, no fighting.  It's just a quiet, peaceful sound.  For the most part this is how our days have been.  Not the watching TV part, but the quiet, peaceful sound part :)  Now, let me say right now, upfront, I am in NO WAY, NO HOW trying to say our days have been perfect.  We have had our ups & downs.  We have had changing it up a bit, changing what we are learning & changing how we are learning for that matter.  BUT...it has all been smooth & much easier than expected. 

For those that read my blog, you know Logan has "those days" where things are difficult.  Well let me confess, I anticipated many of "those days" & even rougher days than that for the first several months while we adjusted.  I expected him to fight me, argue with me, beyond test my limits.  I anticipated that he would tell me how much he hated homeschool and that he wanted to go back to school. (We had previously agreed this wasn't happening) The kid hasn't lived up to the first expectation I had & that is a GIFT FROM GOD!  That is God saying "I told you I would take care of things if you just let me lead".  Logan has been amazing, in fact so good that I can't believe it's my boy most days.  Its such an affirmation that this was the best choice for Logan.  He needed this, he needed homeschool.  He is so not afraid to work & work hard he does.  He just needed to be allowed to work hard the way he works.  I am learning so many new things with him & just seeing him in such a different light that it's blessing me in ways untold.  As for Emily, she is doing amazing.  She is so stinking smart that some days she amazes me in ways that I can't believe.  We really struggled with the homeschooling her vs. putting her in VPK this year.  We made the decision, but then I went back in forth several times in my head & in my heart.  I just worried that I was pushing her too hard by starting Kindergarten when she hadn't been to preschool.  But I heard the voice pushing us in this direction & so I stuck with our initial decision.  (Shh...don't tell, but I still didn't cancel her VPK enrollment until the start of Aug) I am so glad that I listened to the voice because she was so ready for Kindergarten.  She is doing so much, writing so much, reading so much, spelling so math, getting ready to start addition, she's learning all about herself & her community.  Most importantly, she is comprehending everything and retelling to others what she is doing.  It makes my heart smile.  I can't believe how much she is capable of & I know that there is no other way to educate her than to homeschool her.  I know we have made the right decision for both of our children & I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds.  As for Kolby, he's doing great & he's having an awesome year.  He loves his teachers, but then again who doesn't.  Ms. Gibson & Ms. Hernandez, simply put, are the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, God fearing ladies I have ever met within the school system (but also in life).  Trust me when I say, children are blessed by them teaching.  But, it's been hard on Kolby & on me that he's not home with us.  We did a special for 9/11 and I let him stay home with us.  He really flourished in that environment too.  He has asked to stay home this year, but I prayed and I know in my heart that God wants him in school this year.  My plan is to homeschool him next year, but when the time comes I have to have faith that God will tell me where Kolby needs to be, regardless of what Kolby or I think. 

The main thing I have realized this year so far is that I really am capable of doing anything through Christ & that with him I am made strong.  It's hard to believe that I am doing this, but I am & it's working amazingly.  I don't know why I ignored this calling for so many years.  I don't know why I felt so fearful.  I realize that God just kept putting more & more things in place so that I could no longer deny this calling.  I feel at peace with our choices & I feel at peace with who I am right now & who I am becoming.  I realize that all the trails & struggles were preparing us for this moment.  They were preparing Logan so that he would be ready for this.  All the struggles with Logan prepared me to be even more confident in my choices with Emily.  I've always said raising Emily was like raising a female version of Logan.  They are so much alike that it can actually be scary.  In some ways it breaks my heart.  I see how well Emily is doing.  I see how much she is learning, how she is growing & how her confidence is soaring every day.  I know that's because of how she is learning & the way I am approaching her in lessons.  I realize that Logan would have done so well at home from the start.  He should have never entered the school system.  They beat him down, they broke his spirit, they took what could have been amazing and turned it into hurt & sadness.  I see my little girl & I think what he might have been.  I think how sad he must have been in class when he was in trouble, for being himself & for being to smart in a system that can't handle it.  They tore away at him piece by piece & they made him hate school & learning.  They made him think questions weren't okay.  They broke him like no child should be broken by education.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry over these thoughts.  I feel in so many ways like I failed him.  I know that in the end he will be okay.  I know that because he had those really amazing teachers I mentioned above, Ms. Gibson and Ms. Hernandez.  They loved on my boy, they told him he was so smart, that he could do anything.  They built him up with such love & belief that he could do it.  They made him want to learn, made him want to ask questions, made him see being smart was really okay.  They made him understand that being him was also a really good thing.  They helped fix what had been broken.  So I know he'll be okay & I pray that through homeschooling we will help him become all that God wants him to be.  And though our future looks bright, I still have a hard time not looking back and thinking  what if?  But with God we have to keep our eyes forward & on the cross. When we do that we remember that he has always loved us, that he will always love us & that he has the perfect plans for us when we allow him to dream for us. 

While I realize that there were some people out there who doubted my ability to do this & do it successfully, there are also some pretty special people out there who were rooting for me & praying for our success.  The difference between the 2 groups of people, the first group didn't account for God & his calling me to this.  The number one lesson I keep learning over and over again is, if God calls me to something then he is going to qualify me to do it.  That second group of people, well, they kept preaching that lesson to me over & over again.  So here I am, successful because I am being qualified by God who called me here & blessed me for following his path. 

So that's a little bit of the ups.  Tomorrow a little bit of the learning curve that we have experienced &  a whole lot of pictures of what we have been doing.

Walking this journey with Christ by my side,
Andrea

My emotions are beyond...

...words at this very moment. I've just gotten home from dropping off my 2 oldest children at the bus stop and collected my cup of coffee.  My momma heart is trying to catch up to my rapid thoughts and put together a string of events that has lead us to this point. I know several years ago when I started this blog  I was on fire.  I knew God had these huge plans in store for me.  I mean HUGE!  I knew that he was preparing my heart for something big & I was so excited that he was going to use me in a magnitude that I couldn't yet understand.  I used Proverbs 3:5-6 as my tag line for the blog.  It was my mantra at the time.  I literally etched the words onto my heart because I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing but I was simply trusting the LORD. 
    

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on yoru own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."  ~ Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

 

These words  lead me through all things and blindly I just followed.  Might I add I was recently saved & on real fire. I had that blind faith of new believers.  It's almost hard to admit, but what I imagined was so grand & everyone was going to praise me for all the work I was doing in Christ name.  Yeah, some how I think might have been missing the point.  So as long as I'm being honest, I was searching & analyzing each and every thing that happened.  And trust me when I say so much has happened.  I was sure God was preparing me in ways I couldn't even begin to understand.  What I didn't realize until the start of this school year was that God was preparing me for something HUGE & GREAT.  It just wasn't what I thought of as huge & great.  See his plans for me were so very, very different from the plans I was secretly brewing in my mind.  I guess I wasn't so blindly trusting after all.  As I came to realize what his plans were, I also came to truly believe his plans are greater than my plans.  And I have to also admit that in the last year, while I realized what God had been preparing my heart for, I was still searching for the something big.  I'm left a little embarrassed at this moment as I'm typing to say that I didn't really accept & acknowledge that my something big was right in front of my eyes & oh my was it the BIGGEST, MOST IMPORTANT thing I would ever do up until this point in my life.  And as I realized that my something big was here, I started to look around me & see how God had prepared me over the last several years for this moment, for this journey.  He had given me friends that would support me on my lowest & weakest days.  Friends who would speak truth into my life.  He gave me skills that I had previously lacked and he had given me the courage that I didn't have on my own.  He had placed some people in my life for only a second and others that I feel will be a part of me forever.  He has shown me that not on my own, but through HIM I will be able to homeschool my children.  And I am convinced that this is my "Something Big", I'm going to change up everything we have ever done as a family & homeschool my children. 

 

I've been steadfast on the plan for the past year & the last month or so I know the enemy has been attacking me every step of the way.  This last month I have been scared & carrying a fearful heart. I have felt weak & insufficient as a mother.  And because I have felt so insufficient as a mother I have truly felt that maybe I had heard wrong & I wasn't suppose to homeschool after all.  Every time someone ask about our curriculum for next year or what we will be learning I feel anger & I feel judged & I feel inadequate.  All of those nasty thoughts and feelings come right back.  I AM TERRIFIED that I am making the wrong choice.  I have second guessed myself more times in the last month than I have in that last year.  And today, typing this, it's the first time I've admitted it.  I've been so scared to say any of this out loud because I was fearful that someone would say "you are right, this is a huge mistake" and then I would feel even worse.  But see God, he's always ahead of me & on the other  side of things.  He already knows what I need & meets me right where I need him to.  This weekend at church we had a guest pastor, Pastor Rick Bezet.  His sermon was about being real because being fake was exhausting.  Oh man, I knew right then that God was going to use this man to speak straight to my heart.  Here I was surrounded by how many amazing homeschooling momma's that I am blessed to call friend & yet I had failed to confide in any of these ladies.  These ladies that I'm suppose to be real & raw with.  Not one knew how torn I was inside.  Why do I see the LORD just shaking his head & saying let's try it this way Andrea. 

 

"My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"

~ Psalms 73:26

 

So I listen to this sermon & I'm totally being touched & I'm hearing.  It's at the end, when Pastor Rick begins to speak about fear & being afraid I realize more than ever that he is speaking straight to my heart. He starts talking about how it's scary to be called by God, but it's not okay to be paralyzed by the fear.  And I'm thinking okay, I'm following you.  And then he says the words that convict me all over again.  Pastor Rick says that where we are most anointed by God is where we are the most scared.  Let me just type that again & put it in bold this time  because this sentence was so life changing for me & I know it can be for others who are struggling with fear.  WHERE WE ARE MOST ANNOINTED BY GOD IS WHERE WE ARE THE MOST SCARED.  Tears streamed down my face when I heard that & I thought okay, I'm on the right path because the enemy is attacking me with everything he has & I know this journey is God's plan & not mine.  I know that because I would have never chosen this path on my own.  And so here I was fearful & convicted and my most favorite verse comes to me & covers my fearful heart.

 

"For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you." ~ Isaiah 41:13

 

I love this verse because there is just some sort of comfort in knowing that God, my heavenly father, is holding my hand.  I can see him looking into my eyes and saying "It's okay, don't be afraid, Daddy's right here.  I'm going to help you."  I love it because it doesn't say everything is going to be prefect and nothing is going to go wrong.  That would be unrealistic & I honestly need real.  What speaks to my very fearful heart is "Things are going to go wrong and when they do it's okay, because I'm going to hold your hand, I 'm going to be by your side, and I am going to help you. So it's going to be alright. It might be painful, but I'm going to be with you."  I love this verse so much that I made all 3 kids memorize it and I have made it their mantra.  

 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

 

And so I came home & I pulled out my little book of Promises that I made myself & filled with God's promises for me.  I have to go back to that girl, the one who was on fire & willing to accept whatever journey God put her on.  I need to etch into my heart verses that I have forgotten.  I need to go back and find that blind faith.  I need to get there because I realize & accept now that the great thing God has planned for me is massive. It's to raise Kingdom Children, children that will grow & impact lives for the kingdom.  I think at some point along this journey I bought into society's lie that staying home, caring for a house & raising a family was not important.  That because we chose this biblical  life that I was not really doing anything worthwhile.  I bought into the lies that I was "just a mom" or "just a wife" and really what was my contribution.  It's made me angry inside, it's made me feel like I wasn't doing the right thing.  It made me wonder that if I could go back would I do it all the same.  I don't like looking in the mirror and not knowing who I am.  And I think with all these changes and with buying into the lies that society sells I've forgotten what I really believe.  Raising children is the single most important thing I will ever do in this lifetime.  I believe this because I know in my heart that if I raise them with a purpose to promote the Kingdom then they in turn will go out and touch who knows how many lives.  Who can even begin to know how many seeds they will plant, how many souls will be saved because I made my sole purpose in life to raise them for the Kingdom?  So yes, I am just a mother who stays home & now will educate her children at home.  And I still shake my head & wonder why God chose me for this job.  I am amazed that he can use someone as broken as me to raise my children for His purpose.  I know this journey will be long and I will be fearful at times.  I will not forget the lesson I learned from a visiting guest pastor on one Sunday morning and I will dwell on 2 of my favorite verses. 

 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

"...and be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'  So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

 ~ Hebrews 13:5-6

 

Our Daily Devoitional....

...time has been a little messed up since school started.  I really don't like that we haven't sat down daily and poured into the Word with the kids lately.  It bothers me, but I think what's important is that I realize the issue & fix it as quick as possible.  I decided last week that I would start using a pretty simple devotional in the morning so that we at least were able to do some talking as the day started & not depend on a dinner time devotional at night.  So the main part of making it happen was me rearranging my schedule in the morning so that I sat down during breakfast and did the devotional instead of making lunch.  It was interesting to me how all the devotionals last week were about finding time for God, spreading God's word, having quiet time & so forth.  I had to ask myself who was getting more out of our time together, me or the kids?   The answer was clearly me, but I hope they were benefiting along with me. 

This past Sunday when we went to church we received the weekly devotional packet which turned out to be for The Summit, which is basically a game that reviews current sermons.  They get these packets to study up & go back over what has been taught.  I was so excited to see this coming our way because I knew it gave me 5 days of solid devotionals that could be covered quickly, but would allow me to go deeper than I had last week.  It was basically an answer to my prayer.  While the church devotionals give us different parts to think about, read, live out, pray about & so forth I really like to go over the reading and prepare each days so that I know what I am going to say & talk about.  Basically, I like to sound half intelligent to my children when we are talking about the bible. So yesterday while Emily was in dance for 2 hours I took the time to prepare today's bible notes & what we would be talking about this morning.  Let me just say right now that it will never cease to amaze me how God will take what my children are learning and use it to convict me.  It seems like their studies quickly become my own sometimes & it's only through my preparation to teach them that I see what God has been trying to show me. 

So Day One title "The Not-So-Great Escape"  was all about Jonah.  I love the impact that a very small, 4 chapter book in the bible can have on me.  I love how I knew the story of Jonah & yet yesterday saw it in such a different light & yet today was so convicted by it that I could hardly get out what I was trying to say to the kids.  God was speaking to me today, through my own notes & through the words I was saying to my children.  I could hear him talking through me, to me.  And I have to say, using the story Jonah really makes it hard to not listen :)

 So what do we get from Jonah?  We have to realize that the story of Jonah is really about obedience & that there are 3 ways that we have to be obedient to God.  We show God obedience through our actions, through our words, & through our attitudes.  The book of Jonah also shows us what a loving & merciful God we serve. It shows us that even when we disobey, even though there is consequence for disobedience, God still loves us & upon our repentance He shows us mercy.   The first chapter begins with God telling Jonah to go to Nineveh & to preach.

 

"The word of the LORD came to Jonah son of Amittai: "Get up! Go to the great city of  Nineveh and preach against it, because their wickedness has confronted Me." (Jonah 1:1-2)

 

So Jonah decides that he doesn't want to do what God said, instead he will run away from God.  He boards a boat & God sends a terrible storm his way.   At this point, I write down a question to ask the kids, "Do you really believe that you can run from God?"  Whoa...I had to stop because was I asking the kids or was I asking myself...Can I really run away from God & what he wants me to do?   As the storm continues the crew decides that Jonah must be the cause of the storm so they wake him & ask him what he has done.  He knows that he is the cause of the storm & confesses to the sailors on the boat what he has done.  He is willing to accept his faith & will place  himself in God's hands.

 

"He answered them, "Pick me up and throw me into the sea so it may quiet down for you, for I know that I'm to blame for this violent storm that is against you." (Jonah 1:12)

 

At first the sailors say "No" but then when they realize that they are not getting out of this storm, they toss Jonah overboard & what happens...the sea stops it's raging!  And what do the men do, they fear the LORD even more & offer a sacrifice to him.  And what does the LORD do???

 

"Now the LORD had appointed a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the fish for three days and three nights"  (Jonah 1:17)

 

At this point I highlight the verse & mark my notepad with a star followed by "God saves Jonah's life despite his disobedience.  Why does God do this?? Why is this important??"  Sounded like a good point & good questions to ask.  I wouldn't get the answer till this morning.  The story continues with Jonah inside the belly of the whale & he is praying to God.  And all I could think was how many times do I wait until things are totally out of my control & totally falling apart to pray & ask for God's help?   How many times have I heard him talking to me, telling me what I should be doing & yet it's when I'm finally in the belly of the whale that I start talking to God & really listening to what he has to say.  I mark my notepad again to say "Maybe God puts us in the belly of a whale for a reason.  Maybe God needs us to listen, to show obedience to what he is asking so he puts us in the belly of a whale.  Why do we wait until we are in the belly of a whale to repent & tell God how wrong we are?"   And Jonah does really do like a half hearted repentance, no he goes all out.  He understands that he has messed up, that he has been disobedient & that he deserves what his happening.  He is talking about how he called out & he was drowning & how the water was overtaking him. 

 

Jonah says "...I have been banished from Your sight, yet I will look once more toward Your holy temple." (Jonah 2:4)  and then continues as he prayers from the belly of the whale, "As my life was fading away, I remembered Yahweh.  My prayer came to You, to Your holy temple.  Those who cling to worthless idols forsake faithful love, but as for me, I will sacrifice to You with a voice of thanksgiving.  I will fulfill what I have vowed.  Salvation is from the LORD!" (Jonah 2:7-9)

 

So I ask myself, how often is this me?  How often do I remember God when I really need him?  How often do I really have these nice long discussions of thanksgiving & just pure love & adoration when everything is okay?  I don't even want to really answer that question, lets just say that the number is going to increase.  Now the next major point I wrote for the boys was how God reacted to Jonah & his repentance. 

 

"Then the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land." (Jonah 2:10)

 

There it is, Jonah repented and God forgives.  My notebook was marked with a star & the question "Why do you feel this verse is important?"  The boys & Emily all answered the same SECOND CHANCES.  We all live under grace, because we do have a loving & merciful heavenly father.  It doesn't get much better than that so I'm not sure why I keep trying to run when he's talking to me.  At this point in the story God speaks to Jonah again & this time Jonah decides he better listen.  I don't care how many times I read the story, I always feel like Jonah doesn't really want to go to Nineveh but instead goes because he doesn't want to face God's wrath.  So I mark this part & mark my notes again with a star.  I ask "Do you think Jonah really wanted to go or do you think he went because he knew he had to go?  How was his attitude?  How often do you do something even when you don't want to because you know you have to?  How was your attitude during these circumstances?  Do you think we are honoring God when we have a nasty attitude about doing things that he wants us to do?"  Let's just say that the kids didn't have so much to say at this point of our lesson & I was having a hard time talking about it.  Maybe I needed to pull a plank out of my own eye before I started pulling splinters out of theirs???

 

So to finish up this story Jonah goes to Nineveh, just as God had commanded him.  He preaches that in 40 days the city would be demolished.  Then he waits.  God's mercy is shown in the next verses.  It talks about the king & how he issues a decree stating that the people & their animals must fast.  And they must turn from their evil ways & pray to God, in hopes that God would change his mind.  And what does the story tell us happened?

 

"Then God saw their actions- that they had turned from their evil ways- so God relented from the disaster He had threatened to do to them.  And he did not do it." (Jonah 3:10)

 

I know I serve a loving God, a forgiving God, a merciful God & yet it stops me in my tracks.  I'm here breaking it apart to teach my kids & I'm writing down "What does this show us about God?" & I'm going Whoa Andrea...what does this show you about God?  God loves us so much & even when he puts us in the belly of a whale he wants to help us out & help us accomplish what he is asking us to do because he has a greater plan.  We don't know God's plan for us & we surely are not going to figure it out by ignoring him every time he ask us to do something.  God's plans are greater than we can imagine, so really there's no use in doing what he ask with a negative attitude.  God's not going to have us do something that isn't going to better His Kingdom & really aren't we here to better His Kingdom?  It becomes obvious that Jonah does not see how he has played into God's plan because he basically stomps out of the city pouting & complaining about God & what he has asked Jonah to do.  Jonah tells God, but this is why I didn't want to come, I knew you were going to do this because this is who you are. Jonah tells him that it would have been better if he had let him die.  And God ask a very important question.

 

"The LORD asked, "Is it right for you to be angry?" (Jonah 4:4)

 

Oh boy, Is it ever right for us to be angry when God ask us to do something? I had to take a deep breath, not as I wrote out the question but rather as I asked my kids the question.  I didn't let them answer right away, although their little hands shot straight up.  I made them wait to hear the very end of the story.  You see Jonah stomps off & goes to watch what happens to the city.  He finds a nice place, out of the sun to sit.  God makes a plant grow that gives him shade & Jonah is happy with this.  The next day, God commands a worm to eat the plant & and then makes it so hot that Jonah almost faints.  Jonah again screams at God that it would have been better if he had died.  The next few verses end the book and they go as follows:

 

"Then God asked Jonah, 'Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?' 'Yes' he replied.  'It is right.  I'm angry enough to die!'  So the LORD said, 'You cared about the plant, which you did not labor over and did not grow.  It appeared in a night and perished in a night.  Should I not care about the great city of Nineveh, which has more than 120,000 people who cannot distinguish between their right and their left, as well as many animals?" (Jonah 4:9-11)

 

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.  Yep, it hurt when I thought about it. When God ask us to do something, it's for the betterment of His Kingdom.  When we don't do it, when grumble about doing, or we do it half way with lousy attitude we are telling God that we are more important than His Kingdom and the betterment of it.  Yeah...OUCH!   How can we ever feel that we are more important than the whole?  And when we feel that way & we start to think of ourselves & not the whole then we are not living the way God intended us to live. 

 

And how does it all get back to me & the lesson that I learned while preparing the lesson I thought my kids needed to learn???  Well, you see God made me a writer.  He gave me a talent & he's been calling me to get on here for a long time & to write.  Not to just write what I would like to write, but rather write what he's leading me to write.  You see, sometimes I'm driving & sometimes I'm in the shower & sometimes I'm on Facebook and the words just come to me.  The words are in my head & I can hear what I need to be typing.  The problem is that I don't type or if I do type I don't finish what I am typing.  I just don't do it because it's not perfect or I don't have the time.  And then I tell myself that I'm not really versed enough to write about God or I'm not really reaching anyone so why does it matter if I write.  So I don't write & then I wake up at night with words & more words & more words.  And I do devotionals about following God & doing what he says with my kids & my heart is convicted because I know God is talking to me through their studies.  So here I am, at my computer with the story of Jonah, 4 Chapters & maybe 44 verses, that made me listen to God & what he's saying.  I'm not sure how God's going to use me, but I am sure that he wants me to write.  Maybe no one will read & maybe this isn't going to turn out how I think.  Maybe this is just one more lesson in obedience through my words, through my actions, & through my attitude.  Maybe this is just one more way he's making me into who he wants me to be.  I really don't know what it's all for, but I do know that I'm no longer willing to tell God that I'm more important than His Kingdom.  So from no on, I will write my blog & if it's not perfect (which it won't be) then I'll have to say okay.  And if not a single person reads it, then I'll have to say okay.  And if I don't have time, then I'm busier than God intended so then I'll make time.  That's all I can do & pray that through writing I will bring glory to Him & better His Kingdom!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mission: Summer Memories

I find it hard to believe that I as I sit here writing this blog, my boys are half way through the last day of school.  It seems as if just yesterday they were getting ready for the first day of school & we were putting summer vacation behind us for the exciting school year that laid ahead.

 I am not sure where time goes, but I've come to realize that my boys are getting older & summer vacation is not as easy as it use to be.  When they were little we use to sit around and play all day. Now if we are home, they are going to play alright; they are going to play video games, computer games, iPad games, and maybe some board games that they will invite me to play with them.  It seems that in past summers, even when I have made really good plans, summer still comes and goes before we have made really good memories.  And if I'm being honest, that's not the kind of summer I want.  I realize now more than ever (& maybe it's because in a couple of weeks I will have been a mommy for a whole decade) that my children are growing way quicker than I would like & I am not having much success at stopping that growth.  So this summer I have a different sort of plan & I have worked really hard on putting it together.  We are going to make a Summer Passport to Fun tomorrow morning.  The 4 of us (the boys, Emily & myself) will sit down with all my list of places, all my descriptions, all my distances from the house & we will collaborate on what we want to do this summer.  Our passports will be separated in to short adventures, long adventures, outdoor adventures, indoor adventures, rainy day fun & bible challenges.  We will visit historical land sites, aquariums, museums, rural beaches, have water balloon fights, do science experiments, scavenger hunts & the list goes on & on.  After we decided what we want, we will make our Passports, with pictures & all, and finally we will mark up our family calendar with our plans.  We will pray together as a family that our plans work with God's plans for us this summer & that he guards us on this extraordinary summer of making memories.  I know that we will not accomplish our entire Passports because my boys, they are big dreamers just like me.  They will fill those passports with much more than we will be able to do.  But the point is that we will have a starting point, a guide to lead us this summer & where ever we end up & what ever we end up doing we will be doing it together & we will be making memories together.  I am so excited about this summer & endless possibilities of memories to be made.  I can't wait to see all the pictures we take & look back on them & go "Wow, that was one great summer!"  Okay, well maybe I'm lying just a little bit, I can wait...but one day I'm going to love having all those pictures to look at.  

I hope you & your family have a wonderful & blessed summer vacation.  I pray you find a lot of things to do, whether it be at home or some far away place. Mainly I pray that you do it as a family & that you enjoy making the memories that will last a lifetime.  Today I am linking up at Time Warp Wife on Titus 2sdays.  Please jump on over there & read some of the other link ups.  I know your life will blessed for what you read, as mine always is!  Enjoy your Tuesday :) 

Monday's

I've been laying in bed for the past half hour pretending to sleep.  Emily left to go "see what the brothers are doing" and she never leaves quietly.  No she leaves with those soft little hands first rubbing my arm & then the side of my face.  She gets up close and whispers "momma, momma" I open my eyes a bit & then she kisses me, first on the cheek, then on my lips.  Now we do nosy, nosy & some sort of  half awake/half asleep butterfly kisses.  Finally she whispers "I love you momma, now I go see what the brothers are doing." I say okay and close my eyes.  I can't help but wonder if she thinks whispering keeps me from being completely awake or what, but somehow it just seems sweet at the moment that she so tries to be nice during our morning routine.  So as I lay there, door closing, eyes still shut, hearing the noise on the monitor that sits beside my bed I think...Monday, really?  You couldn't wait to come for a few more hours?  I think how I would like to sleep just once till the alarm went off, but then I remember I am a mom & I don't have that luxury just yet. The last 30 minutes before the alarm goes off is spent with the day's events starting to play out in my head.  How they will go & when I will do what.  It's a busy Monday, but then again aren't they all.  Only 2 days of school left & I vow on Wednesday I will sleep till the alarm goes off.  I start to let the day get me down before it begins & then I hear Kolby's voice & I suddenly remember the funniest thing I had read last week " I am thankful that double ee always says E"  and suddenly a smile comes to my face, because really how could a mommy not smile at that.  I start to think of a kind teacher who helped cultivate the gift of joy this school year by helping my little guy keep a Grateful Journal (although I have always suspected she didn't know the true joy of giving Thanks).  I think of how much joy I found in reading his journal & all that he gave thanks for.  I think of how he told me it was a grateful journal, but he went ahead and wrote thankful because he was giving God thanks...just don't tell his teacher that.  Yes, that brought a smile to me face for sure.  It's in those moments that I realize that if I don't do another thing right in this life, I know I've at least brought 3 precious children to love & know the Lord.  I start to think that yes, it's Monday...AGAIN & yes my day will be crazy busy at best, but surely somewhat chaotic if it happens like it normally does.  But it's okay because I have much to be thankful for.  So I grab my pink little notebook that has gold circles on it (they remind me of my beloved sister, Felicia, who loves gold although I dislike it greatly) and I write the date & begin today's list of giving thanks.

46. The smell of my love on his pillow
47. My sweet baby's voice first thing in the morning
48. Soft baby hands on my face
49. Kisses from my baby girl
50. Nosy, nosy
51. Butterfly kisses while I'm still half asleep
52. The morning sun coming through the window all to early on Monday morning
53. The sound of my children playing together
54. A big brother taking care of his siblings
55. Alarm clocks that never go off
56. My baby boy's Grateful Journal
57. And the teacher who helped him keep it all year long
58. That double ee always says E ( I mean why not, it makes life easier right?)
59. For the sound of my coffee pot making me coffee & the smell that tells me it's almost done
60. For the chaos that my life is
61. And the faith in God that lets me know it's all okay
62. For 3 beautiful children that all love the Lord
63. For Good Day Girls & the wonderful insight those ladies bring to my life
64. Anything by Jennie Allen
65. My quiet time with the Lord, to ponder & think & learn & just be still

My list will go on today & tomorrow there will be more.  I've found that making my list just helps me stay calm in the stress that life is.  It helps me realize that God made me promises and that all things can be made good in HIM, who loves me.  At the start of my list, I first listed Ann Voskamp & her website A Holy Experience (the link can be found below) because if not for her I wouldn't be making list & my life just wouldn't be the same.  So thank you Ann & thank you for bringing me closer to HIM.



Today I am linking up with Ann Voskamp at a holy experience.  Please check out her blog & the blogs of other ladies that linked up with her today.  You will surely be blessed by what you read.  Thank you for reading & have a Blessed Monday!