Running & Hiding from the Almighty....

it just doesn't seem to make sense & yet so many of us often try.  While I was reading my devotional, Devotions for the God Girl: A 365 Day Journey, this morning (which is pretty awesome despite the fact that it's for teen girls) I found myself writing a blog in my devotional journal.  Of course God comes to me & convicts my heart when I refuse to do what he is telling me to do (that's for another post) hence my attempt at running & hiding!  Today's scripture took me back to the start of things, I mean literally, the Garden of Eden with Adam & Eve.  Honestly, how much farther back in time can one go???

          Then the man and his wife heard the sound of LORD God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and they hid themselves from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.  So the LORD   God  called out to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said,  "I heard You in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid." Then He asked, "Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"  

          ~ Genesis 3:8-11 (HCSB)

So the story continues as we know, Adam is confronted for what he had done wrong, he throws Eve under the bus pretty quickly & Eve proceeds to throw the serpent under the bus even quicker.  Not once do Adam & Eve consider saying "Okay so maybe I was a  little guilty in all of this." No, in the garden at the point that they were caught they didn't see responsibility as an option.

Blame shifting. Being a Victim. Denial of guilt. Running. Hiding.  FEAR...of punishment, rejection, disappointment of a parent, loss of everything.  JUST PLAIN FEAR.  All the emotions & things we experience today were being experienced right there in the garden right before God.  None of what we go through, none of this, nothing that we do is ever going to be new to an Almighty, All knowing God. NONE OF IT, NOT EVER!  

Today we don't have a little serpent sliding on it's belly telling us to eat the forbidden fruit so that we can have the power of knowledge.  To be honest, I don't know if I would have been as trusting as Eve was, but in her defense she only knew good & I've had the benefit of experiencing the power of evil.  But yet, I understand her trust & desire to want to know it all, to control it all, to have that mighty power that was dangled before her.  For Christians living in today's world, society is our serpent.  It dangles sin right before us day in & day out. It entices us in ways that we don't even realize sometimes until it's too late.  Wealth. Power. Control. Good looks. Nice bodies.  Sex appeal.  Big houses. Fancy Cars. Exotic Vacations.  Anything that spells I AM SUCCESSFUL!  I mean who doesn't want those things?  Society says these things give us RESPECT, ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL.  That's what society says...it doesn't matter if it takes time from our spouse, our children, our causes, our church life, or even from God.  We get caught up in this life, in what society says is important and before we know it these things have become our God, our IDOLS!  Idolatry is when you make something more important that God & when life's activities start to take away your time with God you are worshiping at the alter of an idol.  

For me, I personally focus on the home & my family.  I do it because I strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but I'm not perfect & I eventually slip in my chores or the family activities that I wish we were doing.  When I realize that I've slipped I become super obsessed with the chores, the activities & I forget why I am doing it. I forget my pursuit of being a Proverbs 31 wife & mother.  I forget that in all things I need to bring glory to God.  When I become a crazy woman who is cleaning all day & making the "perfect" home so that my husband can be happy & my kids can be glad to call me mommy, but I neglect to find time to read my bible & do studies with my kids I am really worshiping at the idol of acceptance.  When I plan activities that are fun for my family & I post to social media sights so that the world can see what we are doing, I am worshiping at the idol of acceptance. When I look at some one else's life & say "Ugh...I wish that was us" I am worshiping at the idol of envy.  When I make list & list & plot out our days without accepting that things may change & not go as planned, I am worshiping at the idol of control.  Obviously, I am not saying that these things are bad in nature, I am saying when I put them before God, before the time I spend with him everyday, before my family then I make them bad.  When I do things so that others will say "Wow, that's awesome"  then I have done whatever I am doing for all the wrong reasons.  I think we all do this from time to time.  We slip & fall into the trap that the serpent dangles before us. We let our quiet time with Lord get pushed aside or spend less time in his word daily.  When we do this it allows for evil to get into our minds & hearts just a little bit easier.  

Once we realize what we have done, we tend to fight taking responsibility for our sin. We run & we try to hide from God. LIKE WE COULD EVER REALLY HIDE FROM GOD??? We pretend He didn't see.  We tell ourselves, "Maybe He doesn't know!"  YEAH RIGHT, LIKE GOD DOESN'T REALLY KNOW OUR HEARTS???   So finally we hear Him calling us and we know that we have to go to him.  So we go and we try to convince Him that it wasn't our fault.  Someone else made us do it, we just didn't know what would happen, we didn't realize that it was wrong.  Whatever we tell Him, we push the blame somewhere else.  It's hard to admit when we are wrong.  It's hard to know that someone paid the price for your sin with HIS blood.  When you really think about it, step by step, how Jesus paid the price for us & yet we sin & sin & sin...I am guilty & I feel bad.  It makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes rejoice to know that I can go confess my sins & be free to try & live a better life.  I know I am going to sin, God knows that I am going to sin.  What I have to do is run to God & immediately confess my sin.  I have to get on my knees, repent & ask forgiveness.  I have to ask for strength to fight the serpent that dangles sin right in front of me. 

We all have weakness, we all have our crosses to bear.  It's our daily battle that we have to fight.  The good news is that we don't have to fight it alone.  And even though we don't have the strength to fight, our Lord & Savior will be strong enough for us.  

         "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness, so that Christ's power may reside in me.  So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (HCSB)

So we must stop running & hiding & shifting blame & fearing the worst.  We need to let it go by running to our loving Savior, confess our sins & take responsibility for our actions.  It's through our confession of sins that we are free from them.  He paid our ransom.  Our debts have been cleared, wiped clean.  We don't need to run & hide anymore.  We need to surrender our lives to the Lord, be responsible for the choices we make, hold those choices up this HIS word and make sure they align, we need to bring glory to his name in all we do.  We need to admit that our lives belong to someone other than ourselves, they belong to God & WE NEED TO LIVE SECOND!

Chicken Monks

You can't help but smile & laugh when you listen in from another room as your young children converse with each other.  At this moment in our life Emily talking to her brothers is often the source of the majority of the laughter for all of us.  Eric & I were lucky enough the other day to hear her talking to Kolby.   She was standing in her bedroom door way leaning against the side just enough to peak into Kolby's room.  She had already been instructed to stay out of his room because he has the Chicken Pox.  This is the conversation that followed:

Emily: hey Kolby what are you doing
Kolby: Playing with my Legos
Emily: Oh...you still have those things
Kolby: What things
Emily: You know those things
Kolby: WHAT THINGS
Emily: Kolby the chicken monks
Kolby: {uncontrollable laughter}

Eric & I started laughing simultaneously.  Really...chicken monks?!?  Needless to say the Chicken Pox have been renamed in our house to chicken monks & at least a little humor has been brought to a not so humorous situation.

As for now Kolby is still feeling fine, he' not too itchy & he hasn't had fever.  I'm still pretty convinced that they are "chicken monks" & luckily we have only seen a few more come out.  Hopefully we will get lucky & because he was vaccinated 2x this will be as bad as it gets & he can go back to school early next week.  I think the worst part is that he waited to have his birthday party until after school started so that he could invite some friends from school.  Well the party was this weekend & of course we had no choice but to cancel it.  He is totally  bummed, but when he finds out that Eric is bringing home Avengers to watch I think he will be super, super excited :)

Some days are just like that, even in Australia

It never has surprised me that one of Logan's most favorite books is Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.  I mean he can so totally relate to Alexander & how some days nothing seems to go right.   For Logan, yesterday was one of those days.  It was just really a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY!  It was a day that tore at him & left him so sad, so confused, & so anxious that he had a hard time even playing.  It was a day that tore my heart right out of my chest.  It was the kind of day that you would give anything to make it better for your child & and no matter what you say or what you do it's not going to get better.  It was the kind of day that we have been having more & more of lately.  I don't often talk about it with people outside of my very close circle of support because I don't want the judgement or the opinions that come with it.  I don't talk about it because honestly I don't feel it's anyone's business what goes on in our house or with our family.  But the fact is that last night while I was laying in my bed long after midnight I was thinking of the words that I could use to blog about the day.  Usually when I am laying in bed & my head is typing a blog it's God putting the words on my heart.  It's God saying you need to share this because it's important.  So while I don't usually share these types of days, I feel compelled to share.  I'll leave it up to God to handle the judgement & opinions...he obviously felt it was worth it.

Yesterday started with us picking up the boys for church. It was their first time going to Grace Family Church, which they loved by the way.  I thought Logan would be overwhelmed by all the people and the way kids church was ran, but he came out begging to go back & said he loved it..."even the really loud music mom"   Maybe in the grand scheme of things he was a little overwhelmed & I just didn't pick up on it.  We went back to my mom's house & the boys were playing for a bit.  Finally my sister & Justin arrived and the kids were so excited to see them (because of course they hadn't seen them in like a whole 18 hours).  The boys went outside to play with Justin, my dad, & Eric.  Well here's where the anxiety kicked in & from this point forward the day was just painful for anyone who was watching.  My parents back yard is flooded about 1/2 of the way to the deck, so if you know the back yard that's a pretty good amount of playing area.  The water isn't super deep but it is swamp water from the forest and it's murky.  Diesel, my parents dog, started running through the water & the boys were laughing & having a good time.  Logan threw the ball at Eric who threw the ball back at Logan who ducked and the ball landed in the water.  Oh my, end of the world one.  Logan comes inside crying, I mean sobbing hysterically like he's hurt or something.  He can't understand why Eric threw the ball in the water.   I try to explain that Eric didn't do this on purpose.  Logan doesn't get it.  Come to find out, the other guys laughed at the whole thing which made Logan even more embarrassed that his ball was in the water.  Let's be real here, it's funny.  Plain & simple...the guys are playing, ball goes in water, any other kid goes into the water and grabs the ball & keeps playing.  Heck, any other kid might just laugh too!  Well not Logan because he doesn't get what's funny & he doesn't get that they are laughing with him.  He is 100% sure that they are laughing at him.  I let him cry it out, sometimes that's all I can do.  I try to explain again, but it's just making things worse.  I hug him, hold him, love him, he runs away into the other room.  Maybe 10minutes later he comes out ready to go back outside to play.  The problem is that now we all understand that he's on edge & to say that we should walk on eggshells to prevent the next episode is an understatement.  And in reality you can't always walk on eggshells because that's not how life goes when you are a bunch of guys playing around & we aren't doing Logan any favors when we do walk on eggshells.  He has to learn to read these cues, to understand that people laugh with you & not at you when they are your friends.  It's okay to joke around that's how guys hang out & communicate.  I always think it must be extra hard to be Logan because he just doesn't get how guys do things & he's growing into a guy.  To make the long day shorter for you let me give you the brief overview.  The crying, sobbing, hysterical fits got more often & all of us could sense his great pain & frustration.  He couldn't calm himself down, but he didn't want to stop playing so he would stop crying, return to playing & return to crying.    The anxiety built up so much that Logan decided that my dad was trying to throw him in the water so he wouldn't leave the deck.  We tried to explain that it was okay.  My dad showed Logan how he would "pretend" to throw him in the water by swinging Kolby over the water.  This freaked Logan out so much & he started shaking & crying all over again.  When I explained that it was okay, they were just joking around Logan looked at me & as seriously as he could through all his tears said "it's not funny at all, what if his hands slip and he drops him?"  I told him it was okay, I mean that's all I can do as a parent.  I can reassure him over & over & over & over again that it's OKAY!  The hard part is that he just doesn't get it.  He finally calmed down a bit, went downstairs to wash his feet & thought he would squirt my dad with water.  My dad played back & acted all mad.  It was obvious that he was playing around with Logan, but Logan didn't understand.  He freaked out & his anxiety hit it's peak.  He was screaming & crying & shaking & running from my dad.  Logan went and hid in the trailer & was just shaking there.  Eric finally went down & got him. We got Logan in the shower & he calmed down a bit.  The shower, oh how it is a magical calm down place for Logan.  He was so over done that he couldn't go to sleep.  His eyes were bright red, he read a whole book & finally sometime after midnight he fell asleep.  I'm sure that I fell asleep much later than him as I laid in bed & recounted our day.  

The hard part is that for so long now Logan has just seemed so normal.  I mean we know that he's ASD & we accept that, but for a while it's been hard to convince others that it's the right diagnosis.  I know that we have always been told that the older he got the harder social things would be for him.  I always felt like school was our biggest issue so once we started doing well there...well I guess I thought we were kind of out of the rough patch.  I've spent a good portion of  the summer in denial about Logan & the changes that I was seeing.  He has become super OCD about certain things again & following rules has once again become an overwhelming issue.  Hahaha....how many parents complain because their child has an overwhelming issue with the rules...I mean he follows them to a tee & there is no bending them a bit, including anyone who actually lives in the world.  Routine & transition are becoming issues again.  Not to the extent that we have seen in the past, but you can tell his anxiety level rise whenever something new or out of the norm occurs.  Meltdowns are on the rise & this time around they are wherever we happen to be.  For us this is a new issue.  We didn't deal with public meltdowns last time around so this is a whole new ball game for me.  Being that I have some rage issues myself it's really hard when Logan is melting down in public & people decide to stare or make comments.  I have to keep my temper under control because if not I'm not teaching Logan the right thing.  His meltdowns are also more violent than ever before & they are always geared towards me.   While I am honored that he feels that safe with me to let it all out, I wish he had a different way of expressing his love for me!  And finally I would have to be blind if I didn't notice just how hard social cues and situations are becoming for him.  Sometimes I catch the look of confusion on his face & I can help him out without making it obvious.  Sometimes it becomes too much too quickly & I can't save him from the situation.  I try to explain things, but you have to be in a situation for the learning experience to occur.  Sometimes that's just  to late.  The pain & frustration for Logan is inevitable. My heart being ripped out is inevitable.  I hate this leaning process for all of us.  I hate learning that I can't save him from what is going to become a very cruel world.

The good news is that we have made some major progress with Logan this summer.  For as hard as it has been & for as hard as it is going to get, I can smile & know that my little guy has made some great growth this summer.  He is getting more mature & learning to make better choices.  He is learning that his number one choice will always be between his emotions controlling him or he controlling his emotions.  He is learning to accept fault & apologize for his actions.  He is learning to control his impulses & to be better organized.  He has come off of another part of his ADHD meds & is doing awesome in school.  Most of all he is learning that sometimes he has to ask for help.  This is huge for Logan.  It's his biggest accomplishment this summer.  In my eyes it shows the biggest growth in maturity.  We still have a way to go & I worry constantly about what the next couple of years will bring.  I love my little guy & his heart is so darn big.  It makes me cry to see him though because he's the type of kid that's going to get picked on & kids are going to bully him.   I know the years ahead are going to be tough & I am just so thankful that he has found a good, strong group of friends.  I hope that they will stick it out together & be there for each other when it gets tougher.  I hope that Logan remembers that he is wonderfully made & on the path that the Lord has set for him.  I pray he always remembers that Jesus is walking with him & that all he has to do is ask for help & strength & he will receive it. I pray that I am strong enough to get him through those years when a mommy can't fix everything and heart ache is so very painful.  I hope that my love & the love of the Lord will always be enough for him.

It's hard being the mother of any child, but when your child is on the spectrum it doubles & sometimes triples in hardness.  Sometimes when I hear people in the community say that verbal Autistic's & High Functioning Autistic's shouldn't be on the same spectrum I cringe.  I get in arguments, but it's not worth it.  My child may be verbal & he may be super High Functioning, but trust me that doesn't mean that he can communicate easily.  It doesn't mean that every aspect of his life is on the high end of the spectrum.  It doesn't mean that our life is easier than others.  We all have struggles & all of our children have gifts & they all have challenges. It's never an easy road & I've understood that for a while now.  I know our journey with Logan is just beginning & I wish I could say it was going to get easier.  It's probably not, it's most likely going to have it's ups & downs & retraining & behavior modifications just like the past.  I guess maybe that's why I shared our day with you, because I wanted you to understand what it's really about.  Being on the spectrum isn't always what it seems & the children don't always look like what you expect.  So next time someone tells you their child is on the spectrum offer compassion, offer friendship, offer a shoulder and remember Logan, what he seems like on a good day & what he can be like on an off day.  

The woman I want to be....

instead of the woman that I am is a very pressing issue in my life right now.  It seems so odd to me that at 32 years old I am still struggling with who I am.  I always thought that by now I would know who I was & would have made a strong statement about myself.  Instead I find that at 32 I know who I want to be, I just struggle to get there.  In my early 20's when I got married & had Logan I thought I knew who I wanted to be.  I knew that I was strong & independent.  I actually did make a pretty loud statement in my house about the woman that I was and intended to be.  I'm actually really embarrassed by that woman & by the fact that I thought it was acceptable.  I know more than once I stepped way out of line & hurt my husband to prove to him that I didn't really need him.  I seldom acknowledged that I loved him dearly & that I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  Looking back now, I don't understand how he stuck around.  I was a stay at home mom who didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't grocery shop, didn't pay bills, didn't wash clothes or dishes and once my husband got home from work I didn't take care of the baby either.  WOW...that's so embarrassing.  By the time Kolby came along I might have started doing some of this stuff, but not much & not all the time.  Besides that I was always stepping on my husbands toes & making sure he knew just where he was on my list...sadly it was not super high where he belonged.  I was probably one of the worst wives ever.  I wish I could say that our marriage didn't suffer, but that would be a lie.  I mean honestly who wants to be treated that way & live that life?   Life got rocky for me after my grandmother passed away & I saw this side to my loving husband that was so new and amazing to me.  The year kept getting rockier for us as my oldest son started to have some real issues at school & at home.  My mom was sick that summer & by the end of the year I was going through some major medical  test not sure what the outcome would be.  My husband was amazing & was so supportive.  I realized I had this amazing new found love for  him & I really wanted to be a better wife.  I wanted to be the wife that he deserved.  I started doing more things around the house & trying to be nicer to him.  Overall it was a good attempt at being better, but I wasn't getting to where I wanted to be.  I don't think that I even realized who I wanted to be because I felt like I would have to give up who I was to get there.

 After a long journey that God has taken me on I have figured out that I want to be that Proverbs 31 Woman.  I want to be her, I need to be her.  I recently started reading a book called The Proverbs 31 Woman: One Virtue At A Time by Courtney Joseph.  I have always enjoyed reading Courtney's blog Women Living Well & it has really helped me realize the woman & wife that I want to be.  Between her blog & now this book my eyes have been opened & I finally feel like I have an end to work towards in this journey of the woman I want to be.

 Today the reading was about the trust that a husband has for his wife.  In Proverbs 31:11 it says The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain (ESV)   In the book Courtney says " A husband who has a wife who is solid emotionally and spiritually can rest on his wife's steady support."  She goes on to ask if your husband can trust you in these areas:

1. Money - Can he depend on you to spend it wisely?
2. Children - Can he trust you to train your children wisely?
3. Home - Can he trust you to run an orderly home?
4. Reputation - Can he trust you to not speak poorly of him behind his back?
5. Faithfulness - Can your husband trust you to not build emotional connections with other men?
6. Emotions - Can your husband trust you to be self - controlled when under pressure?
7. Choices - Can your husband trust you to make wise choices when urgent situations arise?

I had to really sit & think about these questions.  When we answer them for others we can say & possibly believe whatever we want.  But when it's just you & God having the discussion there's no purpose in being anything other than truthful.  I mean he already knows the truth...there's really no lying to God.   So while some of these are very simple to answer, Yes my husband can trust me 100%  there are others that I know need work.  I know that I need to change & work harder on being more trustworthy.  And while some of the things I need to work on I already pray about daily, some of the others I need to work on hadn't even crossed my mind.  I think we all get stuck in this journey & if we aren't walking with the Lord & following his word then we get stuck until we ask for his help.  I know I spent a lot of time this morning letting my guard down & asking for help.  I desperately want to be this woman, I want to be this wife. I want to know that my husband has full trust for me in his heart & knows that he can rest on my solid support.  And I cried out to the Lord to help me accomplish this.  The good news is that I felt so much better & I know that God can change me & God can change my heart.  He loves the impossible & he loves me.  I am so ready for this journey & I am so ready for this transformation, regardless of how hard or painful it may be.  And the even better news is that I know this journey I'm walking, I'm never walking it alone.   How awesome is that?

I hope you have a Wonderful Wednesday & if you want to check out the blog that inspires me daily go ahead and click the link below.

Some things change, while others remain the same

So here it is 2012 & I neglected to write my Christmas blog or New Years blog.  I meant to blog about the importance that Christmas held for me.  I wanted to write this amazing blog recapping 2011 & all the major life changes that we had endured.  I wanted to blog about this new found faith & how for the first time in my life I was sure of myself & God's plans for me although I don't have a clue what those plans might be.  I wanted to blog about the amazing peace I have found, but as my title says...Some things change, while yet others remain the same.  Well, this is one of those things that remain the same.  The New Years came and has gone & I haven't had two minutes to sit down & write. Life happened as it always does.  That's okay though, I'm not going to stress over it.  I know it my heart what has happened this past year.  I know the joys we have shared, I know the struggles we have endured.  I know it all, it's etched in my heart & in my mind forever.

So somethings change for the better, like learning to live content in this season of my life.  Like a growing faith & relationship with my Lord and Savior.  Like realizing that I was not intended to be perfect so any expectation  on my part of perfection was simply setting myself up for failure. Like learning that I have to stop & be thankful so much than I have been in the past.  Learning to lead my children to the Lord & watching their faith grow & develop. Learning what being a mother, wife, and friend is really all about.  Really learning that while I know much there is always more to learn.  Yes, somethings change for the better.

Somethings stay the same.  Like yesterday when we went to The Children's Museum with the kids & my in laws.  Logan who lately seems to be like any other normal 8 year old boy with some qwirks never really changes.  At times he seems to have changed or maybe its just that I am so use to him.  Either way, yesterday was a reminder of life with a special needs child.  So often we hear from friends or family how he just seems so normal & how they can't imagine that something is actually wrong with him.  Maybe the doctors are wrong.  It hurts, but you get use to people being  insensitive & to these types of comments realizing that they don't mean harm (well some do, but you really ignore those).  It's nice to know that all of our hard work & Logan's hard work at therapy has paid off & that for the most part he's just a little odd to the outside world.  Then a day like yesterday happens & I suddenly am reminded just how "special" Logan really is.  A day like yesterday happens & I wish I had a recorder so that I could replay the day, well really 1 1/2 hours that he lasted, for everyone to see.  I wish I could shout at them & say "Really...does this resemble normal?  Am I really making it all up??"  Instead I shook my head & I made it through that hour and half.  I kept my cool when everyone around us was not thinking cool was the thing to be.  I kept control of my very over stimulated, unaware child.  I removed him when the time came that he couldn't control even a finger of himself anymore.   I handled his siblings that didn't understand why we had to leave just because Logan was having an issue.  I handled it so well, that we avoided Kolby's tears & even a little understanding on his part when he told Logan "Well, maybe next time you won't be so crazy Buddy"  I handled the situation that was presented before me so that everyone that was with us stayed calm & didn't lose their cool.  And while Eric was letting the boys around the waterfront park, I even took a deep breath & thought "Yep, God gives children like Logan to really special moms because kids like Logan really need a mom like me"  It wasn't the same pitty party I would normal have.  Nope it wasn't like that at all.  I even managed to walk back inside & ask if they ever have sensory friendly times for kids who maybe a little extra sensitive.  I looked at the situation, realized that I could ask Why Me? or I could just accept that God knows what he's doing. Logan is mine to help me grow just as much as I am suppose to help him grow.  I now realize that while somethings like Logan can't change our attitudes can change for the better.  Logan is hardwired that way & he's always going to have really challenging moments.  We on the other hand aren't hardwired to see negative, we can choose to see God's grace & blessings in all things around us.  The bottom line is that although he is challenging, super challenging at times, he is ours to love & care for.   He is a blessing to our family, one that we will all be the better for having.  He's also going to teach Eric & I so much about ourselves.  Kolby & Emily are going to grow to be so awesome & understanding of others because they love their brother & they will learn to understand his struggles.  They will be sad with him when he struggles, but they will celebrate with him when he succeeds as only his siblings can.  After all, aren't they really a part of him just as much as he is a part of them.   We are a family & while somethings can't change, somethings can and hopefully for the better.  Happy 2012, here's to a new year & new adventures.

Going through the motions...

"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something"

I love this song...I love this verse & the ones that follow.  I love how they speak to my heart. At the same time I hate how they speak to my heart & make me realize that this is how I live my life.  I'm just going through the motions....no matter what I do, I just go through the motions.

" 'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life"

It's not okay anymore, I have to be better than just a mom, just a wife, just a daughter, just a friend.  I have to be here.  I have to be present.  Always rushed, upset, anxious, worried about what's next.  What about the right now.  Enjoying the here, enjoying what is going on right now.  Worrying about the right now...just dealing with the right now.  Decision time...big decision, big change.

"I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions"

No more just pictures, just memories of the pictures.  No more too busy to appreciate these beautiful faces.  No more.  Somethings gotta change, even if it hurts...even if I break.  At least I'd feel something...it just wouldn't be the motions.  I'd actually be living.

"No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life"

There maybe regrets, but not all the time.  I'm gonna live each moment to it's fullest.  Going to enjoy each second like it might be my last.  I'm going to appreciate each goofy moment, each new wonder.  I'm going to answer each new question like it's the most important question they've ever asked.  Just being a good mom is not enough.  I have to enjoy it, be thankful for it.  There's too much to lose if I don't.  I don't want to look back & wonder but what if...I want to live knowing that I've given them my all.  I want to live knowing that they had the best of me, not just what was required to be great.

I'm not going to ask what if again...I'm going to know that I gave my all, gave my best.  I'm going to know that I didn't go through the motions, that I lived life & I took whatever it had to give me.  So regardless of whatever else may be going on I'm going to enjoy & relish in park dates, just me & Emily.  I'm going to take in & commit to memory her amazement as she accomplishes a new feat.  I'm going to cherish last minute mask & the must do parades.  They will no longer be chores, but rather a fun event that I will never get to do again.  I am going to commit to memory the excitement of a little boy when he sees his mommy wasn't to busy to make it to the parade.  I'm going to take pictures of us, together, regardless of what I may look like...who cares.  I'm going to take great pride in my efforts to create the most magical moments for my children.  I'm going to remember that spending 15 hours making costumes is not a job or a chore to dread, but rather an act of unconditional love.

Having one child was so much fun & we were buddies.  Then life got in the way & the more children I had being a mother became a job.  It became a chore, a to do list.  It was something that I had to do & I didn't always do it with a smile. No one can ever say that I wasn't a great mom, I've been there every step of the way...loving, supporting, doing whatever needed to be done.  But it's just motions.  In the last month I have started  remembering that being a mom is not a job, not a chore.  It's not something to be dreaded, it's not a to do list.  It's a blessing, a gift.  One that I have taken for granted.  Not anymore, not ever again.  I will steal every kiss, every hug & then steal an extra one.  I will stop & enjoy conversations with my children, even when they are boring.  I will stop & see the world through their little eyes.  I will enjoy & remember each new wonder just as they do.  I will stop going through the motions and start living.

A Day For Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is not till tomorrow, but I know that my day will come & go so quickly that before I get to post my Thanksgiving blog I will be standing in line at Walmart to start my Black Friday shopping.  It was important to me to post this blog.  In the last several years I have found that living a life of thanks has been very difficult for me.  I have seldom thanked God for all that he gives me, even when I fail to ask for what I really need.  I have failed to acknowledge him in the times that he most deserved my praise & thanks.  It makes me sad to think of all the times of thanks I have missed out on because I was always so focused on all that I didn't have or all that was going wrong.  In the last six months or so I have made it my daily mission to live a life of thanks.  To see all that God graces me with daily.  To see all the love that he shows me.  To see the good & acknowledge that even in moments when things are not going the way I want that God does have a plan for me.  It's in those moments that I have to be the most thankful & give the most praise.  My Lord knows me & I know him.  He has plans for me & for my family so far greater than we could ever imagine.  For this I must be the most thankful.  So while I do keep a thankful journal today I want to share some of the stuff that I am most thankful for.

I am thankful for Logan's face.  It is a daily reminder that God does not give us more than we can handle.  His face is my reminder that when I feel I can not accomplish something that it is through God and his strength that I will rise even higher than I could have imagined.  It is through him that I accomplish my greatest moments and for this I am thankful.

I am thankful for Kolby's face.   It is a daily reminder that God still performs miracles & answers our prayers.  His face is my reminder that God is our healer & that nothing is too big for him.  I am reminded that if it is God's plan then it will be accomplished.  I thankful for this knowledge.

I am thankful for Emily's face.  It is a daily reminder that God's plans are often so far better than the plans we set for ourselves.  Her face reminds me that sometimes I have to just say "Yes, Lord...I will follow you & have faith in the path you have set"  It is a reminder that God knows our hearts & he gives us the things that we need even when we fail to ask for them. 

I am thankful for my loving husband Eric.  He is a reminder of God's love for me.  He loves me in such a Graceful way.  He loves me unconditionally.  Even in my worst moments he finds a way to love & to love me fully.  He is my best friend, an amazing father to my children, someone who always believes in me.  When I am wrong he finds the best way to show me another path.  Without him I would be lost & not the person that I am.  As the song goes...God gave me you(Eric) for the ups & downs, God gave me you(Eric) for the days of doubt.  For when I think I've lost my way, There are no words here left to say, It's true...God gave me you(Eric).  I am forever thankful for the love that we share.

I am thankful for my parents.  Another reminder of God's love.  They have loved me and supported me my whole life.  They have lifted me up when I needed it.  They have done the unpopular thing, even at risk of me hating them, because they loved me & knew it was all for the best.  They have taken me places to see things so that I could appreciate God's beauty all the more.  They have taught me life lessons that without them I wouldn't be me.  It is because of my parents that I am the wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter that I am today.  I am thankful for them giving me a sense of who I am & who I wanted to become.

I am thankful for my sister & brother in law.  They are a pure example of God's love for others.  They have been there for us through all of it. Through good times & through bad times.  They have loved my children as if they were there own.  I am grateful to know that if something should ever happen to Eric & I my children would have a loving home.  A home where they would grow in love & know God's love.  For this I am always thankful.

I am thankful for my in laws, the second set of parents God picked for me.  Together we have learned how to become a family & how to love each other.  They have always been here for us, encouraged us, and supported us.  Without them we would not be where we are today.

I am thankful for barking dogs, raindrops on leaves, the colors of the sunset, medical technology, Mrs. Hernandez & Mrs. Gibson.  I am thankful for the pitter patter of little feet & for little hands that hold my face.  I am thankful for thunderstorms, the crashing waves, fish that jump.  I am thankful for all the years I spent with loved ones that are no longer here.  I am thankful for cars that start each morning & for the funds to buy a new car when they didn't start.  I am thankful for the naughty laughter coming from behind the bedroom door, I am thankful for the cries that come two seconds later.  I am thankful for Sunday morning worship at the most amazing Starting Pointe Church.  I am thankful for the new friends that we  have made, I am thankful for the old friends that we are lucky to keep in contact with, & I am so thankful the memories made with friends that we have lost contact with.  I am thankful for my faith & how it sustains me in my moments of need.  I am thankful for The Message & the amazing music it has brought into my heart.  For the plans that God has for me & my ability to trust in them.  For Mrs. Tracy who teaches my little ones week after week about the Lord & his love for them. For the way that she has set their hearts on fire.  For Pastor Jeff who teaches Eric & I week after week & opens our eyes to the Lord & his love for us.  I am thankful for all the churches we tried that just didn't do it for us.  Thankful for my creative side, my writing ability & the fact that I can touch others with this gifts God has given me.  For the bad times that have made me stronger, for the good times that have brought me laughter, for the times that I just thought I would never recover and yet I am here writing this blog. 

My list could go on and on...but, I am most thankful for my Lord & Savior who died so that I may live.  For a Lord who wraps his arms around me & shelters me with his love.  Without him I would be nothing, have nothing.  All things come through him.  He is the Lord who give & takes....and through it all I am called to be thankful.  So I will thankful anyways, so that I may be thankful always. 

Happy Thanksgiving my dear friends.  Here is my Thanksgiving prayer for each one of you.  May you have a wonderful & beautiful Thanksgiving.  May you share your day with friends & family & be surrounded by their love & the love of our Lord.  May you give thanks for all that you have, for all that you do not have, & for all that is yet to come to you!