My emotions are beyond...

...words at this very moment. I've just gotten home from dropping off my 2 oldest children at the bus stop and collected my cup of coffee.  My momma heart is trying to catch up to my rapid thoughts and put together a string of events that has lead us to this point. I know several years ago when I started this blog  I was on fire.  I knew God had these huge plans in store for me.  I mean HUGE!  I knew that he was preparing my heart for something big & I was so excited that he was going to use me in a magnitude that I couldn't yet understand.  I used Proverbs 3:5-6 as my tag line for the blog.  It was my mantra at the time.  I literally etched the words onto my heart because I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing but I was simply trusting the LORD. 
    

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on yoru own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."  ~ Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

 

These words  lead me through all things and blindly I just followed.  Might I add I was recently saved & on real fire. I had that blind faith of new believers.  It's almost hard to admit, but what I imagined was so grand & everyone was going to praise me for all the work I was doing in Christ name.  Yeah, some how I think might have been missing the point.  So as long as I'm being honest, I was searching & analyzing each and every thing that happened.  And trust me when I say so much has happened.  I was sure God was preparing me in ways I couldn't even begin to understand.  What I didn't realize until the start of this school year was that God was preparing me for something HUGE & GREAT.  It just wasn't what I thought of as huge & great.  See his plans for me were so very, very different from the plans I was secretly brewing in my mind.  I guess I wasn't so blindly trusting after all.  As I came to realize what his plans were, I also came to truly believe his plans are greater than my plans.  And I have to also admit that in the last year, while I realized what God had been preparing my heart for, I was still searching for the something big.  I'm left a little embarrassed at this moment as I'm typing to say that I didn't really accept & acknowledge that my something big was right in front of my eyes & oh my was it the BIGGEST, MOST IMPORTANT thing I would ever do up until this point in my life.  And as I realized that my something big was here, I started to look around me & see how God had prepared me over the last several years for this moment, for this journey.  He had given me friends that would support me on my lowest & weakest days.  Friends who would speak truth into my life.  He gave me skills that I had previously lacked and he had given me the courage that I didn't have on my own.  He had placed some people in my life for only a second and others that I feel will be a part of me forever.  He has shown me that not on my own, but through HIM I will be able to homeschool my children.  And I am convinced that this is my "Something Big", I'm going to change up everything we have ever done as a family & homeschool my children. 

 

I've been steadfast on the plan for the past year & the last month or so I know the enemy has been attacking me every step of the way.  This last month I have been scared & carrying a fearful heart. I have felt weak & insufficient as a mother.  And because I have felt so insufficient as a mother I have truly felt that maybe I had heard wrong & I wasn't suppose to homeschool after all.  Every time someone ask about our curriculum for next year or what we will be learning I feel anger & I feel judged & I feel inadequate.  All of those nasty thoughts and feelings come right back.  I AM TERRIFIED that I am making the wrong choice.  I have second guessed myself more times in the last month than I have in that last year.  And today, typing this, it's the first time I've admitted it.  I've been so scared to say any of this out loud because I was fearful that someone would say "you are right, this is a huge mistake" and then I would feel even worse.  But see God, he's always ahead of me & on the other  side of things.  He already knows what I need & meets me right where I need him to.  This weekend at church we had a guest pastor, Pastor Rick Bezet.  His sermon was about being real because being fake was exhausting.  Oh man, I knew right then that God was going to use this man to speak straight to my heart.  Here I was surrounded by how many amazing homeschooling momma's that I am blessed to call friend & yet I had failed to confide in any of these ladies.  These ladies that I'm suppose to be real & raw with.  Not one knew how torn I was inside.  Why do I see the LORD just shaking his head & saying let's try it this way Andrea. 

 

"My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"

~ Psalms 73:26

 

So I listen to this sermon & I'm totally being touched & I'm hearing.  It's at the end, when Pastor Rick begins to speak about fear & being afraid I realize more than ever that he is speaking straight to my heart. He starts talking about how it's scary to be called by God, but it's not okay to be paralyzed by the fear.  And I'm thinking okay, I'm following you.  And then he says the words that convict me all over again.  Pastor Rick says that where we are most anointed by God is where we are the most scared.  Let me just type that again & put it in bold this time  because this sentence was so life changing for me & I know it can be for others who are struggling with fear.  WHERE WE ARE MOST ANNOINTED BY GOD IS WHERE WE ARE THE MOST SCARED.  Tears streamed down my face when I heard that & I thought okay, I'm on the right path because the enemy is attacking me with everything he has & I know this journey is God's plan & not mine.  I know that because I would have never chosen this path on my own.  And so here I was fearful & convicted and my most favorite verse comes to me & covers my fearful heart.

 

"For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you." ~ Isaiah 41:13

 

I love this verse because there is just some sort of comfort in knowing that God, my heavenly father, is holding my hand.  I can see him looking into my eyes and saying "It's okay, don't be afraid, Daddy's right here.  I'm going to help you."  I love it because it doesn't say everything is going to be prefect and nothing is going to go wrong.  That would be unrealistic & I honestly need real.  What speaks to my very fearful heart is "Things are going to go wrong and when they do it's okay, because I'm going to hold your hand, I 'm going to be by your side, and I am going to help you. So it's going to be alright. It might be painful, but I'm going to be with you."  I love this verse so much that I made all 3 kids memorize it and I have made it their mantra.  

 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

 

And so I came home & I pulled out my little book of Promises that I made myself & filled with God's promises for me.  I have to go back to that girl, the one who was on fire & willing to accept whatever journey God put her on.  I need to etch into my heart verses that I have forgotten.  I need to go back and find that blind faith.  I need to get there because I realize & accept now that the great thing God has planned for me is massive. It's to raise Kingdom Children, children that will grow & impact lives for the kingdom.  I think at some point along this journey I bought into society's lie that staying home, caring for a house & raising a family was not important.  That because we chose this biblical  life that I was not really doing anything worthwhile.  I bought into the lies that I was "just a mom" or "just a wife" and really what was my contribution.  It's made me angry inside, it's made me feel like I wasn't doing the right thing.  It made me wonder that if I could go back would I do it all the same.  I don't like looking in the mirror and not knowing who I am.  And I think with all these changes and with buying into the lies that society sells I've forgotten what I really believe.  Raising children is the single most important thing I will ever do in this lifetime.  I believe this because I know in my heart that if I raise them with a purpose to promote the Kingdom then they in turn will go out and touch who knows how many lives.  Who can even begin to know how many seeds they will plant, how many souls will be saved because I made my sole purpose in life to raise them for the Kingdom?  So yes, I am just a mother who stays home & now will educate her children at home.  And I still shake my head & wonder why God chose me for this job.  I am amazed that he can use someone as broken as me to raise my children for His purpose.  I know this journey will be long and I will be fearful at times.  I will not forget the lesson I learned from a visiting guest pastor on one Sunday morning and I will dwell on 2 of my favorite verses. 

 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

"...and be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'  So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

 ~ Hebrews 13:5-6