Today is one of those days. You see, no matter how hard I try, I simply can't be enough. I can't do enough. I can't be the mom I need to be, the wife I need to be, the homeschooler I need to be, the housekeeper I need to be...I simply can't do it. I can't do it. I feel like I'm being pulled in 3 directions at once. Well, being honest, today I am literally being pulled in 3 directions because all 3 kids need me & I can't teach them all at once. I can't feed them all at once. I can't do all 3 of them and my laundry and my dishes and the pre surgical registration call and the doctors call about a nose that's swollen prior to surgery and all the other things consuming me. Today is just one of those days, where I am calmer than I should be. I say that because despite all the stress I am feeling, all the anxiety of my failures mounting up inside, I haven't yelled a single time. I haven't told anyone to go away or how disappointed they are making me. No actually, I've been really patient, really calm. And sometimes when I get like this, I'm not sure if it scares my kids or makes them feel better. I say that with a little smile because Kolby actually asked me where his mommy was today. Then I type it out & I type with a little tear because that means I'm really not the mommy I want to be. See I want to be this mommy, the calm mommy even when things get tough. I'm not usually this mommy. I'm usually the psycho mommy who is yelling & angry. But not today, today I am the calm mommy & that is something I need to stop and praise God for. See I often forget that in these moments I can't be enough, never, no matter how hard I try. I forget and so I forget to teach my children that they can't ever be enough on their own. We need a Jesus. We need his help in every aspect of our life. We need his grace and his patience and his love. We simply need HIM to help us so that we might be our best so that we might bring Him glory in all we do. See today is that kind of day where I lived intentionally ( no I don't always live this way, but I am getting better at it) and I woke up extra early. I made my bed, put the laundry in and got a cup of coffee and did my bible before my day began. I prayed for a good day, I prayed that while I don't always understand this very difficult road of homeschooling I have faith that it's where we belong and so I will trust in God to keep his promises and I prayed that He give me the strength that I needed to get through today. And I did bible with Emily & I taught her what I know so that one day she may teach her children what she knows. And I made sure the boys did their bible, but I also made sure they knew what they were reading. I lived intentionally so that when my day got rough, I would have already started out with peace in my heart knowing that today I was not alone. I started my journey with homeschooling out on the right foot because God was leading my journey. When I needed help I turned to him. At some point it got easier to turn to the friend I was surrounded by and they did a good helping me. But, only God should be leading this journey. Only God can help me when the storm is tossing me all around. Only God can be enough for me & make me enough through him to do this journey the way I want to. So on a day like today, when I'm living intentionally, I get on my knees and I get low to the ground and I beg God for his mercy and his strength because I am too weak & I can never be enough without him. So what is enough? God and his grace is enough. If never again I receive the answer to a prayer that I've requested and I am meant to spend the rest of my days suffering then let God and his grace will be enough to sustain me.
12.08.2014
9.15.2014
Yesterday I realized...
...that I was entering my 5th week of homeschooling. WOW!!! I hadn't blogged all summer, but that was kind of the plan since I was trying to have fun with the kiddos & I was preparing for a whole new journey. But...I had planned to blog through my homeschooling journey & now that I'm five weeks in I think I better get started.
Let me start off by saying that hardly ever do things go as I expect & homeschooling is no different. The difference is that usually things are much worse than I anticipate & life is seldom easy for me. Homeschooling has been this amazingly, wonderful, beautiful journey. It is so blessed by God that I sometimes I look in the mirror & I can't believe that this is me or that I am actually doing this. Like for instance, it's lunch break right now. I am sitting at my computer typing my thoughts (while eating some noodles) & the kids are watching a show eating their lunch. There is no yelling, no screaming, no fighting. It's just a quiet, peaceful sound. For the most part this is how our days have been. Not the watching TV part, but the quiet, peaceful sound part :) Now, let me say right now, upfront, I am in NO WAY, NO HOW trying to say our days have been perfect. We have had our ups & downs. We have had changing it up a bit, changing what we are learning & changing how we are learning for that matter. BUT...it has all been smooth & much easier than expected.
For those that read my blog, you know Logan has "those days" where things are difficult. Well let me confess, I anticipated many of "those days" & even rougher days than that for the first several months while we adjusted. I expected him to fight me, argue with me, beyond test my limits. I anticipated that he would tell me how much he hated homeschool and that he wanted to go back to school. (We had previously agreed this wasn't happening) The kid hasn't lived up to the first expectation I had & that is a GIFT FROM GOD! That is God saying "I told you I would take care of things if you just let me lead". Logan has been amazing, in fact so good that I can't believe it's my boy most days. Its such an affirmation that this was the best choice for Logan. He needed this, he needed homeschool. He is so not afraid to work & work hard he does. He just needed to be allowed to work hard the way he works. I am learning so many new things with him & just seeing him in such a different light that it's blessing me in ways untold. As for Emily, she is doing amazing. She is so stinking smart that some days she amazes me in ways that I can't believe. We really struggled with the homeschooling her vs. putting her in VPK this year. We made the decision, but then I went back in forth several times in my head & in my heart. I just worried that I was pushing her too hard by starting Kindergarten when she hadn't been to preschool. But I heard the voice pushing us in this direction & so I stuck with our initial decision. (Shh...don't tell, but I still didn't cancel her VPK enrollment until the start of Aug) I am so glad that I listened to the voice because she was so ready for Kindergarten. She is doing so much, writing so much, reading so much, spelling so math, getting ready to start addition, she's learning all about herself & her community. Most importantly, she is comprehending everything and retelling to others what she is doing. It makes my heart smile. I can't believe how much she is capable of & I know that there is no other way to educate her than to homeschool her. I know we have made the right decision for both of our children & I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds. As for Kolby, he's doing great & he's having an awesome year. He loves his teachers, but then again who doesn't. Ms. Gibson & Ms. Hernandez, simply put, are the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, God fearing ladies I have ever met within the school system (but also in life). Trust me when I say, children are blessed by them teaching. But, it's been hard on Kolby & on me that he's not home with us. We did a special for 9/11 and I let him stay home with us. He really flourished in that environment too. He has asked to stay home this year, but I prayed and I know in my heart that God wants him in school this year. My plan is to homeschool him next year, but when the time comes I have to have faith that God will tell me where Kolby needs to be, regardless of what Kolby or I think.
The main thing I have realized this year so far is that I really am capable of doing anything through Christ & that with him I am made strong. It's hard to believe that I am doing this, but I am & it's working amazingly. I don't know why I ignored this calling for so many years. I don't know why I felt so fearful. I realize that God just kept putting more & more things in place so that I could no longer deny this calling. I feel at peace with our choices & I feel at peace with who I am right now & who I am becoming. I realize that all the trails & struggles were preparing us for this moment. They were preparing Logan so that he would be ready for this. All the struggles with Logan prepared me to be even more confident in my choices with Emily. I've always said raising Emily was like raising a female version of Logan. They are so much alike that it can actually be scary. In some ways it breaks my heart. I see how well Emily is doing. I see how much she is learning, how she is growing & how her confidence is soaring every day. I know that's because of how she is learning & the way I am approaching her in lessons. I realize that Logan would have done so well at home from the start. He should have never entered the school system. They beat him down, they broke his spirit, they took what could have been amazing and turned it into hurt & sadness. I see my little girl & I think what he might have been. I think how sad he must have been in class when he was in trouble, for being himself & for being to smart in a system that can't handle it. They tore away at him piece by piece & they made him hate school & learning. They made him think questions weren't okay. They broke him like no child should be broken by education. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry over these thoughts. I feel in so many ways like I failed him. I know that in the end he will be okay. I know that because he had those really amazing teachers I mentioned above, Ms. Gibson and Ms. Hernandez. They loved on my boy, they told him he was so smart, that he could do anything. They built him up with such love & belief that he could do it. They made him want to learn, made him want to ask questions, made him see being smart was really okay. They made him understand that being him was also a really good thing. They helped fix what had been broken. So I know he'll be okay & I pray that through homeschooling we will help him become all that God wants him to be. And though our future looks bright, I still have a hard time not looking back and thinking what if? But with God we have to keep our eyes forward & on the cross. When we do that we remember that he has always loved us, that he will always love us & that he has the perfect plans for us when we allow him to dream for us.
While I realize that there were some people out there who doubted my ability to do this & do it successfully, there are also some pretty special people out there who were rooting for me & praying for our success. The difference between the 2 groups of people, the first group didn't account for God & his calling me to this. The number one lesson I keep learning over and over again is, if God calls me to something then he is going to qualify me to do it. That second group of people, well, they kept preaching that lesson to me over & over again. So here I am, successful because I am being qualified by God who called me here & blessed me for following his path.
So that's a little bit of the ups. Tomorrow a little bit of the learning curve that we have experienced & a whole lot of pictures of what we have been doing.
Walking this journey with Christ by my side,
Andrea
Let me start off by saying that hardly ever do things go as I expect & homeschooling is no different. The difference is that usually things are much worse than I anticipate & life is seldom easy for me. Homeschooling has been this amazingly, wonderful, beautiful journey. It is so blessed by God that I sometimes I look in the mirror & I can't believe that this is me or that I am actually doing this. Like for instance, it's lunch break right now. I am sitting at my computer typing my thoughts (while eating some noodles) & the kids are watching a show eating their lunch. There is no yelling, no screaming, no fighting. It's just a quiet, peaceful sound. For the most part this is how our days have been. Not the watching TV part, but the quiet, peaceful sound part :) Now, let me say right now, upfront, I am in NO WAY, NO HOW trying to say our days have been perfect. We have had our ups & downs. We have had changing it up a bit, changing what we are learning & changing how we are learning for that matter. BUT...it has all been smooth & much easier than expected.
For those that read my blog, you know Logan has "those days" where things are difficult. Well let me confess, I anticipated many of "those days" & even rougher days than that for the first several months while we adjusted. I expected him to fight me, argue with me, beyond test my limits. I anticipated that he would tell me how much he hated homeschool and that he wanted to go back to school. (We had previously agreed this wasn't happening) The kid hasn't lived up to the first expectation I had & that is a GIFT FROM GOD! That is God saying "I told you I would take care of things if you just let me lead". Logan has been amazing, in fact so good that I can't believe it's my boy most days. Its such an affirmation that this was the best choice for Logan. He needed this, he needed homeschool. He is so not afraid to work & work hard he does. He just needed to be allowed to work hard the way he works. I am learning so many new things with him & just seeing him in such a different light that it's blessing me in ways untold. As for Emily, she is doing amazing. She is so stinking smart that some days she amazes me in ways that I can't believe. We really struggled with the homeschooling her vs. putting her in VPK this year. We made the decision, but then I went back in forth several times in my head & in my heart. I just worried that I was pushing her too hard by starting Kindergarten when she hadn't been to preschool. But I heard the voice pushing us in this direction & so I stuck with our initial decision. (Shh...don't tell, but I still didn't cancel her VPK enrollment until the start of Aug) I am so glad that I listened to the voice because she was so ready for Kindergarten. She is doing so much, writing so much, reading so much, spelling so math, getting ready to start addition, she's learning all about herself & her community. Most importantly, she is comprehending everything and retelling to others what she is doing. It makes my heart smile. I can't believe how much she is capable of & I know that there is no other way to educate her than to homeschool her. I know we have made the right decision for both of our children & I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds. As for Kolby, he's doing great & he's having an awesome year. He loves his teachers, but then again who doesn't. Ms. Gibson & Ms. Hernandez, simply put, are the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, God fearing ladies I have ever met within the school system (but also in life). Trust me when I say, children are blessed by them teaching. But, it's been hard on Kolby & on me that he's not home with us. We did a special for 9/11 and I let him stay home with us. He really flourished in that environment too. He has asked to stay home this year, but I prayed and I know in my heart that God wants him in school this year. My plan is to homeschool him next year, but when the time comes I have to have faith that God will tell me where Kolby needs to be, regardless of what Kolby or I think.
The main thing I have realized this year so far is that I really am capable of doing anything through Christ & that with him I am made strong. It's hard to believe that I am doing this, but I am & it's working amazingly. I don't know why I ignored this calling for so many years. I don't know why I felt so fearful. I realize that God just kept putting more & more things in place so that I could no longer deny this calling. I feel at peace with our choices & I feel at peace with who I am right now & who I am becoming. I realize that all the trails & struggles were preparing us for this moment. They were preparing Logan so that he would be ready for this. All the struggles with Logan prepared me to be even more confident in my choices with Emily. I've always said raising Emily was like raising a female version of Logan. They are so much alike that it can actually be scary. In some ways it breaks my heart. I see how well Emily is doing. I see how much she is learning, how she is growing & how her confidence is soaring every day. I know that's because of how she is learning & the way I am approaching her in lessons. I realize that Logan would have done so well at home from the start. He should have never entered the school system. They beat him down, they broke his spirit, they took what could have been amazing and turned it into hurt & sadness. I see my little girl & I think what he might have been. I think how sad he must have been in class when he was in trouble, for being himself & for being to smart in a system that can't handle it. They tore away at him piece by piece & they made him hate school & learning. They made him think questions weren't okay. They broke him like no child should be broken by education. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry over these thoughts. I feel in so many ways like I failed him. I know that in the end he will be okay. I know that because he had those really amazing teachers I mentioned above, Ms. Gibson and Ms. Hernandez. They loved on my boy, they told him he was so smart, that he could do anything. They built him up with such love & belief that he could do it. They made him want to learn, made him want to ask questions, made him see being smart was really okay. They made him understand that being him was also a really good thing. They helped fix what had been broken. So I know he'll be okay & I pray that through homeschooling we will help him become all that God wants him to be. And though our future looks bright, I still have a hard time not looking back and thinking what if? But with God we have to keep our eyes forward & on the cross. When we do that we remember that he has always loved us, that he will always love us & that he has the perfect plans for us when we allow him to dream for us.
While I realize that there were some people out there who doubted my ability to do this & do it successfully, there are also some pretty special people out there who were rooting for me & praying for our success. The difference between the 2 groups of people, the first group didn't account for God & his calling me to this. The number one lesson I keep learning over and over again is, if God calls me to something then he is going to qualify me to do it. That second group of people, well, they kept preaching that lesson to me over & over again. So here I am, successful because I am being qualified by God who called me here & blessed me for following his path.
So that's a little bit of the ups. Tomorrow a little bit of the learning curve that we have experienced & a whole lot of pictures of what we have been doing.
Walking this journey with Christ by my side,
Andrea
6.04.2014
My emotions are beyond...
...words at this very moment. I've just gotten home from dropping off my 2 oldest children at the bus stop and collected my cup of coffee. My momma heart is trying to catch up to my rapid thoughts and put together a string of events that has lead us to this point. I know several years ago when I started this blog I was on fire. I knew God had these huge plans in store for me. I mean HUGE! I knew that he was preparing my heart for something big & I was so excited that he was going to use me in a magnitude that I couldn't yet understand. I used Proverbs 3:5-6 as my tag line for the blog. It was my mantra at the time. I literally etched the words onto my heart because I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing but I was simply trusting the LORD.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on yoru own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
These words lead me through all things and blindly I just followed. Might I add I was recently saved & on real fire. I had that blind faith of new believers. It's almost hard to admit, but what I imagined was so grand & everyone was going to praise me for all the work I was doing in Christ name. Yeah, some how I think might have been missing the point. So as long as I'm being honest, I was searching & analyzing each and every thing that happened. And trust me when I say so much has happened. I was sure God was preparing me in ways I couldn't even begin to understand. What I didn't realize until the start of this school year was that God was preparing me for something HUGE & GREAT. It just wasn't what I thought of as huge & great. See his plans for me were so very, very different from the plans I was secretly brewing in my mind. I guess I wasn't so blindly trusting after all. As I came to realize what his plans were, I also came to truly believe his plans are greater than my plans. And I have to also admit that in the last year, while I realized what God had been preparing my heart for, I was still searching for the something big. I'm left a little embarrassed at this moment as I'm typing to say that I didn't really accept & acknowledge that my something big was right in front of my eyes & oh my was it the BIGGEST, MOST IMPORTANT thing I would ever do up until this point in my life. And as I realized that my something big was here, I started to look around me & see how God had prepared me over the last several years for this moment, for this journey. He had given me friends that would support me on my lowest & weakest days. Friends who would speak truth into my life. He gave me skills that I had previously lacked and he had given me the courage that I didn't have on my own. He had placed some people in my life for only a second and others that I feel will be a part of me forever. He has shown me that not on my own, but through HIM I will be able to homeschool my children. And I am convinced that this is my "Something Big", I'm going to change up everything we have ever done as a family & homeschool my children.
I've been steadfast on the plan for the past year & the last month or so I know the enemy has been attacking me every step of the way. This last month I have been scared & carrying a fearful heart. I have felt weak & insufficient as a mother. And because I have felt so insufficient as a mother I have truly felt that maybe I had heard wrong & I wasn't suppose to homeschool after all. Every time someone ask about our curriculum for next year or what we will be learning I feel anger & I feel judged & I feel inadequate. All of those nasty thoughts and feelings come right back. I AM TERRIFIED that I am making the wrong choice. I have second guessed myself more times in the last month than I have in that last year. And today, typing this, it's the first time I've admitted it. I've been so scared to say any of this out loud because I was fearful that someone would say "you are right, this is a huge mistake" and then I would feel even worse. But see God, he's always ahead of me & on the other side of things. He already knows what I need & meets me right where I need him to. This weekend at church we had a guest pastor, Pastor Rick Bezet. His sermon was about being real because being fake was exhausting. Oh man, I knew right then that God was going to use this man to speak straight to my heart. Here I was surrounded by how many amazing homeschooling momma's that I am blessed to call friend & yet I had failed to confide in any of these ladies. These ladies that I'm suppose to be real & raw with. Not one knew how torn I was inside. Why do I see the LORD just shaking his head & saying let's try it this way Andrea.
"My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"
~ Psalms 73:26
So I listen to this sermon & I'm totally being touched & I'm hearing. It's at the end, when Pastor Rick begins to speak about fear & being afraid I realize more than ever that he is speaking straight to my heart. He starts talking about how it's scary to be called by God, but it's not okay to be paralyzed by the fear. And I'm thinking okay, I'm following you. And then he says the words that convict me all over again. Pastor Rick says that where we are most anointed by God is where we are the most scared. Let me just type that again & put it in bold this time because this sentence was so life changing for me & I know it can be for others who are struggling with fear. WHERE WE ARE MOST ANNOINTED BY GOD IS WHERE WE ARE THE MOST SCARED. Tears streamed down my face when I heard that & I thought okay, I'm on the right path because the enemy is attacking me with everything he has & I know this journey is God's plan & not mine. I know that because I would have never chosen this path on my own. And so here I was fearful & convicted and my most favorite verse comes to me & covers my fearful heart.
"For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you." ~ Isaiah 41:13
I love this verse because there is just some sort of comfort in knowing that God, my heavenly father, is holding my hand. I can see him looking into my eyes and saying "It's okay, don't be afraid, Daddy's right here. I'm going to help you." I love it because it doesn't say everything is going to be prefect and nothing is going to go wrong. That would be unrealistic & I honestly need real. What speaks to my very fearful heart is "Things are going to go wrong and when they do it's okay, because I'm going to hold your hand, I 'm going to be by your side, and I am going to help you. So it's going to be alright. It might be painful, but I'm going to be with you." I love this verse so much that I made all 3 kids memorize it and I have made it their mantra.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
And so I came home & I pulled out my little book of Promises that I made myself & filled with God's promises for me. I have to go back to that girl, the one who was on fire & willing to accept whatever journey God put her on. I need to etch into my heart verses that I have forgotten. I need to go back and find that blind faith. I need to get there because I realize & accept now that the great thing God has planned for me is massive. It's to raise Kingdom Children, children that will grow & impact lives for the kingdom. I think at some point along this journey I bought into society's lie that staying home, caring for a house & raising a family was not important. That because we chose this biblical life that I was not really doing anything worthwhile. I bought into the lies that I was "just a mom" or "just a wife" and really what was my contribution. It's made me angry inside, it's made me feel like I wasn't doing the right thing. It made me wonder that if I could go back would I do it all the same. I don't like looking in the mirror and not knowing who I am. And I think with all these changes and with buying into the lies that society sells I've forgotten what I really believe. Raising children is the single most important thing I will ever do in this lifetime. I believe this because I know in my heart that if I raise them with a purpose to promote the Kingdom then they in turn will go out and touch who knows how many lives. Who can even begin to know how many seeds they will plant, how many souls will be saved because I made my sole purpose in life to raise them for the Kingdom? So yes, I am just a mother who stays home & now will educate her children at home. And I still shake my head & wonder why God chose me for this job. I am amazed that he can use someone as broken as me to raise my children for His purpose. I know this journey will be long and I will be fearful at times. I will not forget the lesson I learned from a visiting guest pastor on one Sunday morning and I will dwell on 2 of my favorite verses.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"...and be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you' So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"
~ Hebrews 13:5-6
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