Mission: Summer Memories

I find it hard to believe that I as I sit here writing this blog, my boys are half way through the last day of school.  It seems as if just yesterday they were getting ready for the first day of school & we were putting summer vacation behind us for the exciting school year that laid ahead.

 I am not sure where time goes, but I've come to realize that my boys are getting older & summer vacation is not as easy as it use to be.  When they were little we use to sit around and play all day. Now if we are home, they are going to play alright; they are going to play video games, computer games, iPad games, and maybe some board games that they will invite me to play with them.  It seems that in past summers, even when I have made really good plans, summer still comes and goes before we have made really good memories.  And if I'm being honest, that's not the kind of summer I want.  I realize now more than ever (& maybe it's because in a couple of weeks I will have been a mommy for a whole decade) that my children are growing way quicker than I would like & I am not having much success at stopping that growth.  So this summer I have a different sort of plan & I have worked really hard on putting it together.  We are going to make a Summer Passport to Fun tomorrow morning.  The 4 of us (the boys, Emily & myself) will sit down with all my list of places, all my descriptions, all my distances from the house & we will collaborate on what we want to do this summer.  Our passports will be separated in to short adventures, long adventures, outdoor adventures, indoor adventures, rainy day fun & bible challenges.  We will visit historical land sites, aquariums, museums, rural beaches, have water balloon fights, do science experiments, scavenger hunts & the list goes on & on.  After we decided what we want, we will make our Passports, with pictures & all, and finally we will mark up our family calendar with our plans.  We will pray together as a family that our plans work with God's plans for us this summer & that he guards us on this extraordinary summer of making memories.  I know that we will not accomplish our entire Passports because my boys, they are big dreamers just like me.  They will fill those passports with much more than we will be able to do.  But the point is that we will have a starting point, a guide to lead us this summer & where ever we end up & what ever we end up doing we will be doing it together & we will be making memories together.  I am so excited about this summer & endless possibilities of memories to be made.  I can't wait to see all the pictures we take & look back on them & go "Wow, that was one great summer!"  Okay, well maybe I'm lying just a little bit, I can wait...but one day I'm going to love having all those pictures to look at.  

I hope you & your family have a wonderful & blessed summer vacation.  I pray you find a lot of things to do, whether it be at home or some far away place. Mainly I pray that you do it as a family & that you enjoy making the memories that will last a lifetime.  Today I am linking up at Time Warp Wife on Titus 2sdays.  Please jump on over there & read some of the other link ups.  I know your life will blessed for what you read, as mine always is!  Enjoy your Tuesday :) 

Monday's

I've been laying in bed for the past half hour pretending to sleep.  Emily left to go "see what the brothers are doing" and she never leaves quietly.  No she leaves with those soft little hands first rubbing my arm & then the side of my face.  She gets up close and whispers "momma, momma" I open my eyes a bit & then she kisses me, first on the cheek, then on my lips.  Now we do nosy, nosy & some sort of  half awake/half asleep butterfly kisses.  Finally she whispers "I love you momma, now I go see what the brothers are doing." I say okay and close my eyes.  I can't help but wonder if she thinks whispering keeps me from being completely awake or what, but somehow it just seems sweet at the moment that she so tries to be nice during our morning routine.  So as I lay there, door closing, eyes still shut, hearing the noise on the monitor that sits beside my bed I think...Monday, really?  You couldn't wait to come for a few more hours?  I think how I would like to sleep just once till the alarm went off, but then I remember I am a mom & I don't have that luxury just yet. The last 30 minutes before the alarm goes off is spent with the day's events starting to play out in my head.  How they will go & when I will do what.  It's a busy Monday, but then again aren't they all.  Only 2 days of school left & I vow on Wednesday I will sleep till the alarm goes off.  I start to let the day get me down before it begins & then I hear Kolby's voice & I suddenly remember the funniest thing I had read last week " I am thankful that double ee always says E"  and suddenly a smile comes to my face, because really how could a mommy not smile at that.  I start to think of a kind teacher who helped cultivate the gift of joy this school year by helping my little guy keep a Grateful Journal (although I have always suspected she didn't know the true joy of giving Thanks).  I think of how much joy I found in reading his journal & all that he gave thanks for.  I think of how he told me it was a grateful journal, but he went ahead and wrote thankful because he was giving God thanks...just don't tell his teacher that.  Yes, that brought a smile to me face for sure.  It's in those moments that I realize that if I don't do another thing right in this life, I know I've at least brought 3 precious children to love & know the Lord.  I start to think that yes, it's Monday...AGAIN & yes my day will be crazy busy at best, but surely somewhat chaotic if it happens like it normally does.  But it's okay because I have much to be thankful for.  So I grab my pink little notebook that has gold circles on it (they remind me of my beloved sister, Felicia, who loves gold although I dislike it greatly) and I write the date & begin today's list of giving thanks.

46. The smell of my love on his pillow
47. My sweet baby's voice first thing in the morning
48. Soft baby hands on my face
49. Kisses from my baby girl
50. Nosy, nosy
51. Butterfly kisses while I'm still half asleep
52. The morning sun coming through the window all to early on Monday morning
53. The sound of my children playing together
54. A big brother taking care of his siblings
55. Alarm clocks that never go off
56. My baby boy's Grateful Journal
57. And the teacher who helped him keep it all year long
58. That double ee always says E ( I mean why not, it makes life easier right?)
59. For the sound of my coffee pot making me coffee & the smell that tells me it's almost done
60. For the chaos that my life is
61. And the faith in God that lets me know it's all okay
62. For 3 beautiful children that all love the Lord
63. For Good Day Girls & the wonderful insight those ladies bring to my life
64. Anything by Jennie Allen
65. My quiet time with the Lord, to ponder & think & learn & just be still

My list will go on today & tomorrow there will be more.  I've found that making my list just helps me stay calm in the stress that life is.  It helps me realize that God made me promises and that all things can be made good in HIM, who loves me.  At the start of my list, I first listed Ann Voskamp & her website A Holy Experience (the link can be found below) because if not for her I wouldn't be making list & my life just wouldn't be the same.  So thank you Ann & thank you for bringing me closer to HIM.



Today I am linking up with Ann Voskamp at a holy experience.  Please check out her blog & the blogs of other ladies that linked up with her today.  You will surely be blessed by what you read.  Thank you for reading & have a Blessed Monday!

Being like Thomas Edison....

isn't a bad thing, unless of course you're talking about ADHD.  Yep, that's right, this genius who had 1,093 patents was expelled from school because he had what we would call ADHD.  His mother was encouraged to send him trade school because the teacher felt dear old "Al" which is what he was known as back then just couldn't learn, he couldn't pay attention, he couldn't focus.  Al's mom, having been a former teacher, knew her son could learn so instead she home schooled him & taught him how to read, write, & do math.  For us parents who have walked in those exact shoes, most of us, aren't the least bit surprised that he went on to read non stop and to be obsessed with invention.

A few weekends ago we were lucky enough to visit the Edison Ford Winter Estates and one of the first things we did was take The Young Inventors Tour.  It's a tour for kids, that are too busy jumping, too busy touching (yep, they even have some light bulbs & a phonograph that the kids can touch during this particular tour), too busy thinking, just plain too busy to sit still!  I have to admit that when the young man giving the tour, who had a bit of ADHD himself, was telling the "young inventors" about Thomas Edison having ADHD more than one child (almost all of them, I'm thinking the other's might not of heard because they weren't paying attention) turned and looked at their mother & father in shock.  It was something that they didn't know, something that they didn't expect.  And really why should they?  Our precious children, who are labeled so quickly with ADHD, are not really told many pleasant things about themselves from the outside world.  And really no matter how much I build up Logan & tell him just how wonderful he is there are days that he breaks me down with too much activity, too much talking, too many questions, too much inattentiveness and before I know it I am telling him to be something that he's not.  I would be lying if I said I had never told him that he was embarrassing me in public.  I try not to worry about what the outside world thinks about my boy.  I try to ignore the stares in public, but really I am human & I do care.  I know I shouldn't, but I do and that's when I break & in the process I break him down just a little bit at a time.  I try to repair the damage & really if you know Logan you know his self esteem isn't lacking.  But I still wonder if in his mind he thinks we wish he were different.

The truth is I don't think so many children actually have ADHD.  I do believe it assist & I do think some children really suffer badly from it.  But I believe that in the worst of circumstances medication should be the last option & the label need not be applied so quickly. What I actually see is boredom in the worst way.   I see creative minds, inquisitive minds, minds that don't learn the way the school system says they must learn and these minds are bored.  They are getting left behind every single day.  Parents are hearing from teachers what Mrs. Edison heard all those years ago.  I see boys that aren't able to go & run & be boys like they were 50 years ago.  I see people judging parents left & right, blaming them for their kids issues.  I see less outside family time & more inside video game time.  I see parents blaming behavior on issues without consequences for the children.  I see all this messed up thinking & the ones who are suffering are these amazing little minds.  I don't have all the answers, but I do know that we are losing a generation of really brilliant minds.

For us ADHD has been only part of our journey & yet it's been the one that has caused the most issues.  We have tried medication, but only for a few years.  Looking back I wish it was something that I had fought harder & I hadn't felt so pressured by a school system to do.  But when your child is in constant trouble & teachers are telling you he's a defiant child, you start to feel a little hopeless.  Now we focus on behavior strategy & modification.  We had to switch doctors to get here, but it was worth it.  Maturity has played a huge part in the progress we have made.  It's not that now Logan is mature enough to behave, it's that he's mature enough to understand he has to try harder than the average kid to meet expectations. He knows that he has to find ways to maintain concentration.  It's hard & I hate to see him battle.  But I also believe that this is something that he will deal with the rest of his life & therefore he needs to know how to cope.  The main thing is finding ways to keep his little mind stimulated & learning.  For me the main thing was accepting my child was a little different, he wasn't going to be like all the other kids & because of that I needed to change.  My big change was finding patience.  I don't really have any, so every day I pray God to give me some & most days if I really look hard I find just enough to make it to bedtime.  But that's okay because Logan is a lot like Thomas Edison & Henry Ford.  He's like a lot of inventors & mathematicians & really brilliant people.  I like to tell him that everyday, several times a day in fact.  I like to remind him that while right now society finds him a little out of place, it's okay because he's actually sitting in very, very good company.

Running & Hiding from the Almighty....

it just doesn't seem to make sense & yet so many of us often try.  While I was reading my devotional, Devotions for the God Girl: A 365 Day Journey, this morning (which is pretty awesome despite the fact that it's for teen girls) I found myself writing a blog in my devotional journal.  Of course God comes to me & convicts my heart when I refuse to do what he is telling me to do (that's for another post) hence my attempt at running & hiding!  Today's scripture took me back to the start of things, I mean literally, the Garden of Eden with Adam & Eve.  Honestly, how much farther back in time can one go???

          Then the man and his wife heard the sound of LORD God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and they hid themselves from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.  So the LORD   God  called out to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said,  "I heard You in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid." Then He asked, "Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"  

          ~ Genesis 3:8-11 (HCSB)

So the story continues as we know, Adam is confronted for what he had done wrong, he throws Eve under the bus pretty quickly & Eve proceeds to throw the serpent under the bus even quicker.  Not once do Adam & Eve consider saying "Okay so maybe I was a  little guilty in all of this." No, in the garden at the point that they were caught they didn't see responsibility as an option.

Blame shifting. Being a Victim. Denial of guilt. Running. Hiding.  FEAR...of punishment, rejection, disappointment of a parent, loss of everything.  JUST PLAIN FEAR.  All the emotions & things we experience today were being experienced right there in the garden right before God.  None of what we go through, none of this, nothing that we do is ever going to be new to an Almighty, All knowing God. NONE OF IT, NOT EVER!  

Today we don't have a little serpent sliding on it's belly telling us to eat the forbidden fruit so that we can have the power of knowledge.  To be honest, I don't know if I would have been as trusting as Eve was, but in her defense she only knew good & I've had the benefit of experiencing the power of evil.  But yet, I understand her trust & desire to want to know it all, to control it all, to have that mighty power that was dangled before her.  For Christians living in today's world, society is our serpent.  It dangles sin right before us day in & day out. It entices us in ways that we don't even realize sometimes until it's too late.  Wealth. Power. Control. Good looks. Nice bodies.  Sex appeal.  Big houses. Fancy Cars. Exotic Vacations.  Anything that spells I AM SUCCESSFUL!  I mean who doesn't want those things?  Society says these things give us RESPECT, ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL.  That's what society says...it doesn't matter if it takes time from our spouse, our children, our causes, our church life, or even from God.  We get caught up in this life, in what society says is important and before we know it these things have become our God, our IDOLS!  Idolatry is when you make something more important that God & when life's activities start to take away your time with God you are worshiping at the alter of an idol.  

For me, I personally focus on the home & my family.  I do it because I strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but I'm not perfect & I eventually slip in my chores or the family activities that I wish we were doing.  When I realize that I've slipped I become super obsessed with the chores, the activities & I forget why I am doing it. I forget my pursuit of being a Proverbs 31 wife & mother.  I forget that in all things I need to bring glory to God.  When I become a crazy woman who is cleaning all day & making the "perfect" home so that my husband can be happy & my kids can be glad to call me mommy, but I neglect to find time to read my bible & do studies with my kids I am really worshiping at the idol of acceptance.  When I plan activities that are fun for my family & I post to social media sights so that the world can see what we are doing, I am worshiping at the idol of acceptance. When I look at some one else's life & say "Ugh...I wish that was us" I am worshiping at the idol of envy.  When I make list & list & plot out our days without accepting that things may change & not go as planned, I am worshiping at the idol of control.  Obviously, I am not saying that these things are bad in nature, I am saying when I put them before God, before the time I spend with him everyday, before my family then I make them bad.  When I do things so that others will say "Wow, that's awesome"  then I have done whatever I am doing for all the wrong reasons.  I think we all do this from time to time.  We slip & fall into the trap that the serpent dangles before us. We let our quiet time with Lord get pushed aside or spend less time in his word daily.  When we do this it allows for evil to get into our minds & hearts just a little bit easier.  

Once we realize what we have done, we tend to fight taking responsibility for our sin. We run & we try to hide from God. LIKE WE COULD EVER REALLY HIDE FROM GOD??? We pretend He didn't see.  We tell ourselves, "Maybe He doesn't know!"  YEAH RIGHT, LIKE GOD DOESN'T REALLY KNOW OUR HEARTS???   So finally we hear Him calling us and we know that we have to go to him.  So we go and we try to convince Him that it wasn't our fault.  Someone else made us do it, we just didn't know what would happen, we didn't realize that it was wrong.  Whatever we tell Him, we push the blame somewhere else.  It's hard to admit when we are wrong.  It's hard to know that someone paid the price for your sin with HIS blood.  When you really think about it, step by step, how Jesus paid the price for us & yet we sin & sin & sin...I am guilty & I feel bad.  It makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes rejoice to know that I can go confess my sins & be free to try & live a better life.  I know I am going to sin, God knows that I am going to sin.  What I have to do is run to God & immediately confess my sin.  I have to get on my knees, repent & ask forgiveness.  I have to ask for strength to fight the serpent that dangles sin right in front of me. 

We all have weakness, we all have our crosses to bear.  It's our daily battle that we have to fight.  The good news is that we don't have to fight it alone.  And even though we don't have the strength to fight, our Lord & Savior will be strong enough for us.  

         "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness, so that Christ's power may reside in me.  So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (HCSB)

So we must stop running & hiding & shifting blame & fearing the worst.  We need to let it go by running to our loving Savior, confess our sins & take responsibility for our actions.  It's through our confession of sins that we are free from them.  He paid our ransom.  Our debts have been cleared, wiped clean.  We don't need to run & hide anymore.  We need to surrender our lives to the Lord, be responsible for the choices we make, hold those choices up this HIS word and make sure they align, we need to bring glory to his name in all we do.  We need to admit that our lives belong to someone other than ourselves, they belong to God & WE NEED TO LIVE SECOND!

Chicken Monks

You can't help but smile & laugh when you listen in from another room as your young children converse with each other.  At this moment in our life Emily talking to her brothers is often the source of the majority of the laughter for all of us.  Eric & I were lucky enough the other day to hear her talking to Kolby.   She was standing in her bedroom door way leaning against the side just enough to peak into Kolby's room.  She had already been instructed to stay out of his room because he has the Chicken Pox.  This is the conversation that followed:

Emily: hey Kolby what are you doing
Kolby: Playing with my Legos
Emily: Oh...you still have those things
Kolby: What things
Emily: You know those things
Kolby: WHAT THINGS
Emily: Kolby the chicken monks
Kolby: {uncontrollable laughter}

Eric & I started laughing simultaneously.  Really...chicken monks?!?  Needless to say the Chicken Pox have been renamed in our house to chicken monks & at least a little humor has been brought to a not so humorous situation.

As for now Kolby is still feeling fine, he' not too itchy & he hasn't had fever.  I'm still pretty convinced that they are "chicken monks" & luckily we have only seen a few more come out.  Hopefully we will get lucky & because he was vaccinated 2x this will be as bad as it gets & he can go back to school early next week.  I think the worst part is that he waited to have his birthday party until after school started so that he could invite some friends from school.  Well the party was this weekend & of course we had no choice but to cancel it.  He is totally  bummed, but when he finds out that Eric is bringing home Avengers to watch I think he will be super, super excited :)

Some days are just like that, even in Australia

It never has surprised me that one of Logan's most favorite books is Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.  I mean he can so totally relate to Alexander & how some days nothing seems to go right.   For Logan, yesterday was one of those days.  It was just really a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY!  It was a day that tore at him & left him so sad, so confused, & so anxious that he had a hard time even playing.  It was a day that tore my heart right out of my chest.  It was the kind of day that you would give anything to make it better for your child & and no matter what you say or what you do it's not going to get better.  It was the kind of day that we have been having more & more of lately.  I don't often talk about it with people outside of my very close circle of support because I don't want the judgement or the opinions that come with it.  I don't talk about it because honestly I don't feel it's anyone's business what goes on in our house or with our family.  But the fact is that last night while I was laying in my bed long after midnight I was thinking of the words that I could use to blog about the day.  Usually when I am laying in bed & my head is typing a blog it's God putting the words on my heart.  It's God saying you need to share this because it's important.  So while I don't usually share these types of days, I feel compelled to share.  I'll leave it up to God to handle the judgement & opinions...he obviously felt it was worth it.

Yesterday started with us picking up the boys for church. It was their first time going to Grace Family Church, which they loved by the way.  I thought Logan would be overwhelmed by all the people and the way kids church was ran, but he came out begging to go back & said he loved it..."even the really loud music mom"   Maybe in the grand scheme of things he was a little overwhelmed & I just didn't pick up on it.  We went back to my mom's house & the boys were playing for a bit.  Finally my sister & Justin arrived and the kids were so excited to see them (because of course they hadn't seen them in like a whole 18 hours).  The boys went outside to play with Justin, my dad, & Eric.  Well here's where the anxiety kicked in & from this point forward the day was just painful for anyone who was watching.  My parents back yard is flooded about 1/2 of the way to the deck, so if you know the back yard that's a pretty good amount of playing area.  The water isn't super deep but it is swamp water from the forest and it's murky.  Diesel, my parents dog, started running through the water & the boys were laughing & having a good time.  Logan threw the ball at Eric who threw the ball back at Logan who ducked and the ball landed in the water.  Oh my, end of the world one.  Logan comes inside crying, I mean sobbing hysterically like he's hurt or something.  He can't understand why Eric threw the ball in the water.   I try to explain that Eric didn't do this on purpose.  Logan doesn't get it.  Come to find out, the other guys laughed at the whole thing which made Logan even more embarrassed that his ball was in the water.  Let's be real here, it's funny.  Plain & simple...the guys are playing, ball goes in water, any other kid goes into the water and grabs the ball & keeps playing.  Heck, any other kid might just laugh too!  Well not Logan because he doesn't get what's funny & he doesn't get that they are laughing with him.  He is 100% sure that they are laughing at him.  I let him cry it out, sometimes that's all I can do.  I try to explain again, but it's just making things worse.  I hug him, hold him, love him, he runs away into the other room.  Maybe 10minutes later he comes out ready to go back outside to play.  The problem is that now we all understand that he's on edge & to say that we should walk on eggshells to prevent the next episode is an understatement.  And in reality you can't always walk on eggshells because that's not how life goes when you are a bunch of guys playing around & we aren't doing Logan any favors when we do walk on eggshells.  He has to learn to read these cues, to understand that people laugh with you & not at you when they are your friends.  It's okay to joke around that's how guys hang out & communicate.  I always think it must be extra hard to be Logan because he just doesn't get how guys do things & he's growing into a guy.  To make the long day shorter for you let me give you the brief overview.  The crying, sobbing, hysterical fits got more often & all of us could sense his great pain & frustration.  He couldn't calm himself down, but he didn't want to stop playing so he would stop crying, return to playing & return to crying.    The anxiety built up so much that Logan decided that my dad was trying to throw him in the water so he wouldn't leave the deck.  We tried to explain that it was okay.  My dad showed Logan how he would "pretend" to throw him in the water by swinging Kolby over the water.  This freaked Logan out so much & he started shaking & crying all over again.  When I explained that it was okay, they were just joking around Logan looked at me & as seriously as he could through all his tears said "it's not funny at all, what if his hands slip and he drops him?"  I told him it was okay, I mean that's all I can do as a parent.  I can reassure him over & over & over & over again that it's OKAY!  The hard part is that he just doesn't get it.  He finally calmed down a bit, went downstairs to wash his feet & thought he would squirt my dad with water.  My dad played back & acted all mad.  It was obvious that he was playing around with Logan, but Logan didn't understand.  He freaked out & his anxiety hit it's peak.  He was screaming & crying & shaking & running from my dad.  Logan went and hid in the trailer & was just shaking there.  Eric finally went down & got him. We got Logan in the shower & he calmed down a bit.  The shower, oh how it is a magical calm down place for Logan.  He was so over done that he couldn't go to sleep.  His eyes were bright red, he read a whole book & finally sometime after midnight he fell asleep.  I'm sure that I fell asleep much later than him as I laid in bed & recounted our day.  

The hard part is that for so long now Logan has just seemed so normal.  I mean we know that he's ASD & we accept that, but for a while it's been hard to convince others that it's the right diagnosis.  I know that we have always been told that the older he got the harder social things would be for him.  I always felt like school was our biggest issue so once we started doing well there...well I guess I thought we were kind of out of the rough patch.  I've spent a good portion of  the summer in denial about Logan & the changes that I was seeing.  He has become super OCD about certain things again & following rules has once again become an overwhelming issue.  Hahaha....how many parents complain because their child has an overwhelming issue with the rules...I mean he follows them to a tee & there is no bending them a bit, including anyone who actually lives in the world.  Routine & transition are becoming issues again.  Not to the extent that we have seen in the past, but you can tell his anxiety level rise whenever something new or out of the norm occurs.  Meltdowns are on the rise & this time around they are wherever we happen to be.  For us this is a new issue.  We didn't deal with public meltdowns last time around so this is a whole new ball game for me.  Being that I have some rage issues myself it's really hard when Logan is melting down in public & people decide to stare or make comments.  I have to keep my temper under control because if not I'm not teaching Logan the right thing.  His meltdowns are also more violent than ever before & they are always geared towards me.   While I am honored that he feels that safe with me to let it all out, I wish he had a different way of expressing his love for me!  And finally I would have to be blind if I didn't notice just how hard social cues and situations are becoming for him.  Sometimes I catch the look of confusion on his face & I can help him out without making it obvious.  Sometimes it becomes too much too quickly & I can't save him from the situation.  I try to explain things, but you have to be in a situation for the learning experience to occur.  Sometimes that's just  to late.  The pain & frustration for Logan is inevitable. My heart being ripped out is inevitable.  I hate this leaning process for all of us.  I hate learning that I can't save him from what is going to become a very cruel world.

The good news is that we have made some major progress with Logan this summer.  For as hard as it has been & for as hard as it is going to get, I can smile & know that my little guy has made some great growth this summer.  He is getting more mature & learning to make better choices.  He is learning that his number one choice will always be between his emotions controlling him or he controlling his emotions.  He is learning to accept fault & apologize for his actions.  He is learning to control his impulses & to be better organized.  He has come off of another part of his ADHD meds & is doing awesome in school.  Most of all he is learning that sometimes he has to ask for help.  This is huge for Logan.  It's his biggest accomplishment this summer.  In my eyes it shows the biggest growth in maturity.  We still have a way to go & I worry constantly about what the next couple of years will bring.  I love my little guy & his heart is so darn big.  It makes me cry to see him though because he's the type of kid that's going to get picked on & kids are going to bully him.   I know the years ahead are going to be tough & I am just so thankful that he has found a good, strong group of friends.  I hope that they will stick it out together & be there for each other when it gets tougher.  I hope that Logan remembers that he is wonderfully made & on the path that the Lord has set for him.  I pray he always remembers that Jesus is walking with him & that all he has to do is ask for help & strength & he will receive it. I pray that I am strong enough to get him through those years when a mommy can't fix everything and heart ache is so very painful.  I hope that my love & the love of the Lord will always be enough for him.

It's hard being the mother of any child, but when your child is on the spectrum it doubles & sometimes triples in hardness.  Sometimes when I hear people in the community say that verbal Autistic's & High Functioning Autistic's shouldn't be on the same spectrum I cringe.  I get in arguments, but it's not worth it.  My child may be verbal & he may be super High Functioning, but trust me that doesn't mean that he can communicate easily.  It doesn't mean that every aspect of his life is on the high end of the spectrum.  It doesn't mean that our life is easier than others.  We all have struggles & all of our children have gifts & they all have challenges. It's never an easy road & I've understood that for a while now.  I know our journey with Logan is just beginning & I wish I could say it was going to get easier.  It's probably not, it's most likely going to have it's ups & downs & retraining & behavior modifications just like the past.  I guess maybe that's why I shared our day with you, because I wanted you to understand what it's really about.  Being on the spectrum isn't always what it seems & the children don't always look like what you expect.  So next time someone tells you their child is on the spectrum offer compassion, offer friendship, offer a shoulder and remember Logan, what he seems like on a good day & what he can be like on an off day.  

The woman I want to be....

instead of the woman that I am is a very pressing issue in my life right now.  It seems so odd to me that at 32 years old I am still struggling with who I am.  I always thought that by now I would know who I was & would have made a strong statement about myself.  Instead I find that at 32 I know who I want to be, I just struggle to get there.  In my early 20's when I got married & had Logan I thought I knew who I wanted to be.  I knew that I was strong & independent.  I actually did make a pretty loud statement in my house about the woman that I was and intended to be.  I'm actually really embarrassed by that woman & by the fact that I thought it was acceptable.  I know more than once I stepped way out of line & hurt my husband to prove to him that I didn't really need him.  I seldom acknowledged that I loved him dearly & that I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  Looking back now, I don't understand how he stuck around.  I was a stay at home mom who didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't grocery shop, didn't pay bills, didn't wash clothes or dishes and once my husband got home from work I didn't take care of the baby either.  WOW...that's so embarrassing.  By the time Kolby came along I might have started doing some of this stuff, but not much & not all the time.  Besides that I was always stepping on my husbands toes & making sure he knew just where he was on my list...sadly it was not super high where he belonged.  I was probably one of the worst wives ever.  I wish I could say that our marriage didn't suffer, but that would be a lie.  I mean honestly who wants to be treated that way & live that life?   Life got rocky for me after my grandmother passed away & I saw this side to my loving husband that was so new and amazing to me.  The year kept getting rockier for us as my oldest son started to have some real issues at school & at home.  My mom was sick that summer & by the end of the year I was going through some major medical  test not sure what the outcome would be.  My husband was amazing & was so supportive.  I realized I had this amazing new found love for  him & I really wanted to be a better wife.  I wanted to be the wife that he deserved.  I started doing more things around the house & trying to be nicer to him.  Overall it was a good attempt at being better, but I wasn't getting to where I wanted to be.  I don't think that I even realized who I wanted to be because I felt like I would have to give up who I was to get there.

 After a long journey that God has taken me on I have figured out that I want to be that Proverbs 31 Woman.  I want to be her, I need to be her.  I recently started reading a book called The Proverbs 31 Woman: One Virtue At A Time by Courtney Joseph.  I have always enjoyed reading Courtney's blog Women Living Well & it has really helped me realize the woman & wife that I want to be.  Between her blog & now this book my eyes have been opened & I finally feel like I have an end to work towards in this journey of the woman I want to be.

 Today the reading was about the trust that a husband has for his wife.  In Proverbs 31:11 it says The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain (ESV)   In the book Courtney says " A husband who has a wife who is solid emotionally and spiritually can rest on his wife's steady support."  She goes on to ask if your husband can trust you in these areas:

1. Money - Can he depend on you to spend it wisely?
2. Children - Can he trust you to train your children wisely?
3. Home - Can he trust you to run an orderly home?
4. Reputation - Can he trust you to not speak poorly of him behind his back?
5. Faithfulness - Can your husband trust you to not build emotional connections with other men?
6. Emotions - Can your husband trust you to be self - controlled when under pressure?
7. Choices - Can your husband trust you to make wise choices when urgent situations arise?

I had to really sit & think about these questions.  When we answer them for others we can say & possibly believe whatever we want.  But when it's just you & God having the discussion there's no purpose in being anything other than truthful.  I mean he already knows the truth...there's really no lying to God.   So while some of these are very simple to answer, Yes my husband can trust me 100%  there are others that I know need work.  I know that I need to change & work harder on being more trustworthy.  And while some of the things I need to work on I already pray about daily, some of the others I need to work on hadn't even crossed my mind.  I think we all get stuck in this journey & if we aren't walking with the Lord & following his word then we get stuck until we ask for his help.  I know I spent a lot of time this morning letting my guard down & asking for help.  I desperately want to be this woman, I want to be this wife. I want to know that my husband has full trust for me in his heart & knows that he can rest on my solid support.  And I cried out to the Lord to help me accomplish this.  The good news is that I felt so much better & I know that God can change me & God can change my heart.  He loves the impossible & he loves me.  I am so ready for this journey & I am so ready for this transformation, regardless of how hard or painful it may be.  And the even better news is that I know this journey I'm walking, I'm never walking it alone.   How awesome is that?

I hope you have a Wonderful Wednesday & if you want to check out the blog that inspires me daily go ahead and click the link below.