When prayers are answered...

and small miracles occur, it is sometimes to easy to overlook them.  It seems that we live in a world where there are too many other things blocking the view of God's answered prayers and his miracles in our life.  I need to stop today and acknowledge that God is answering prayers and performing those little miracles in my life right at this moment.

At the end of last year I started talking about just how depressed and anxious I had been feeling. It had been going on for months and I just hadn't admitted to anyone how bad things were getting.  When it started effecting my life & the lives of my children I went to the dr.  At that point I had to admit to others what had been going on.

I WAS SAD.     I WAS HEARTBROKEN.     I FELT ABANDONED. 

I had so many questions and they all started with "WHY GOD?" It just didn't make sense and I couldn't deal with it.  Everyone told me to hand my problems to God, to pray harder, to just let it go.  It doesn't work that way I would say as we were switching up my meds every other couple of weeks.  I wasn't getting better, I was getting worse.  I went from anger & frustration & outburst to sadness & anxiousness & tears.  The depression was getting worse, the anger was worse, the anxiety was now out of control.  And to top it all off the holidays were coming and my number one trigger of course was crowds & noise.   "WHY GOD??  WHY ME??"  I wouldn't just ask anymore, I would cry out in anguish.  

I made it through the holidays and then we left for Texas.  I'm not going to lie, as much as I wanted to see our family a part of me wanted any reason to cancel our trip.  My anxiety was through the roof and my dr had just told me that there was nothing else she could give me, I would need to see a psychiatrist before anything else could be done.  YEP, Here I come Texas,  my downright crazy and all.  It couldn't work out good, there was just not a way.  Oh but then I'm being Peter on the waves wasn't I. 

And Peter answered him, "Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, " Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus.  But when he saw the wind and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" ~ Matthew 14: 28-30

Do you ever feel like Jesus is telling you "O you of little faith, why do you  doubt?" I sure do.

ALL. THE. TIME.

Basically, long story short, after a few days in Texas I realized that the noise & the kids & the people & just everything really were going to drive me to my breaking point.  I realized that I couldn't do it.  I couldn't be there and not go crazy, actually I realized nothing short of a miracle was going to fix my issues.  And then this...

I read Philippians and was reminded of many things, including that I can anything through Christ.  I prayed so hard.  I cried out that I was helpless and hopeless and just nothing on my own.  I cried out and begged God to just take it from me.  To take my need for control, to take my desire to rule,  to take the anxiety, to just let me be okay.  I told him I was laying it at his feet, I was handing it over and to please just make me okay, if not forever, just for the moment.  To please let us have a wonderful trip and to just let all the sadness, all the anxiety disappear.  I don't know the moment that it happened, I'm not even sure it occurred to me while I was there.  I just know that I stopped running for the extra anxiety meds and I really enjoyed things.  I let frustration roll off my back & I let life be okay.  Well, God  let life be okay.  

Now we are home and all we keep talking about it how great our trip was.  It was enjoyable, so enjoyable that I am looking forward to planning another trip...sooner than later.  I realize that in that moment when I laid it down at God's feet, he took the overwhelming feelings and let me be at peace.  I am so overwhelmed by his love and his ability to perpetually awe me into submission to him and his will.   I don't believe that I don't need my meds, I know that right now at this point in my life I need meds.  I don't believe that is  saying God isn't working in me, in fact the complete opposite.  I was taking this combination of meds that should have been working and making me feel human.  They weren't working, I was getting worse and I was loosing control over the situation.  Instead of falling apart completely, I laid it at God's feet and said "Save me" and that's just what he did.  He took and made the meds work in a way that are making me feel amazing.  He is the reason those meds are working, there isn't another explanation that I am willing to accept.  They weren't working.  I prayed and laid it at his feet.  The meds are now working.  Sounds like an answered prayer and miracle to me.

You don't have to agree with me.  You can think my crazy has over run me finally.  But I know the truth.  I know who my God is.  He is bigger than any mountain that I must climb and through him I can do all things. 

Andrea

Good Bye 2015...

 

2015 was a year that I was more than ready to say good bye to.  God tells us that there is a time for everything & for everything there is a season.  Well let us just agree that 2015 was my time to be sad & my time to struggle & my time to wait & my time to be patient & my time to learn new things & my time to just have a crummy year.  It wasn't like one terrible thing after another happened, no rather it was long & drawn out & just over whelming.  I felt alone although I was surrounded by friends.  I felt sad although there was nothing to really be sad about.  Anxiety overtook me by the end of the year & since I had not let it show in the months before it was hard when I finally told people how I was feeling.  It was hard for me, I kind of felt like a fraud & it was hard for them because let's just say that I come by the nickname "Hollywood" honestly.  It was just a rough year for me.  I gained friends, but I lost friends.  I gained new insight, but another part of my innocence was taken.  I grew in the Lord, but it came at cost.  It was just a year that I am positive I will look back on one day and say "WOW that was a major turning point in my life, I can totally see God's hand at work".  That day just isn't today.  So for today I am just glad to say Good Bye to 2015!

So Hello 2016!!!   As for 2016 I have some big goals that I am so hopeful to keep.  I decided that I would try positive words this year instead of negative words.  Kolby seems to believe that he saw a show that said if you  say "I will do...." instead of "I won't do..." that you will be more successful at keeping the goal.  Hmmm...sounds interesting and probably works.  He said it had something to do with once we tell our brain that we won't do something that it automatically wants to do what we told it not to do.  Hmmm...again that makes a ton of sense.  That's probably why I haven't been able to keep many resolutions.  So instead of listing my goals for January here is a photo:

So far, so good.  I have been keeping to my goals, but then again we are still on vacation so here's to hoping that when we return to the real world I actually stick to these goals.  I can't wait to see how this year goes, but I'm really looking more forward to living each day for what it is.  Enjoying each day, each hour, each minute instead of counting down till the next.  Here's to hoping that it's amazing and that your's is too.  I'm going to leave you with some really silly pictures the kids and I took the other day in attempting to enjoy the moment we were in.  No they aren't my greatest pictures ever, in fact some are down right horrible, but I'm trying to live in the moment & that includes the down right bad picture moments! Happy 2016 & look forward to reading what your goals are for this  year & how you attempt to achieve them :)

Andrea