so very much to be thankful for & yet this has been one of the worst & toughest years I have faced in so long. I have have emotionally fallen apart & hidden it from those closest to me. I encountered some sort of crazy that I didn't even know existed inside of me. And yet, I have so much to be thankful for. Seeing God's loving hand all over this past year, despite my crazy, is simply amazing. Maybe it's my crazy that HE is using right now, in this moment. And so as it is stated in 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
Here is my list of thanks...for falling apart, for being able to hide that until I was ready to talk about it. I am thankful for discipleship training & the way it opened my eyes to what God is looking for. I am thankful for the friends that were able to help me understand that God used Kolby's hemophilia to bring Eric closer to HIM & that it is both of their stories. I am grateful church, both at home & traditional because they both bring me closer to God. The ability to be obedient & see the fruit of that obedience. I am thankful for falling into such beautiful, peaceful, crazy, sometimes horrid homeschool routine & not being able to really remember the life before. Kolby's huge heart & a friend who helps be accept that he is not mine, but Gods. I am baffled & thankful to see the young man that Logan has begun to grow into. The ability to see that God's hands are all over him & that despite all his struggles that we have done something right & that he will be okay. To witness his maturity and growth and the peace he's come to know most days is beyond me & I am thankful that we serve a loving and mighty God who has given this to him. For Emily's love of Jesus & her prayer book that she writes in. To hear her sign worship & know that she means all those words & that her heart is filled with such an immense amount of love. For her looking me in the eye and saying Sorry momma, I love Jesus more than you. That I am most thankful for. For Eric & all he ways he has grown & changed this year. How he has taken the role of leader, at home & at work. For his determination to be the best father, husband, boss, friend he can be. For his ability to finish school & feel so good about himself. For him to finally understand that we are what Jesus says we are. And a gifts journal which reminds me on my worst days what I am thankful for, second chances, sometimes 3rd, 4th, 5th chances, Emily's laughter, Ocean Waves, Gamble Rogers Park, Felicia's Voice, Isabella's Tia, a cool breeze, my sewing machine, Kolby apologizing without being told & Logan accepting, sibling friendship...even when they gang up on me, Eric accepting me for who I am & loving me through all the crazy, being able to remember my loved ones & accepting the tears that come with those memories, Coffee Pots, Learning to trust myself & knowing that I am broken and that's okay, wrinkles around my eyes & mouth, grey hairs taking over, my mom who shares her wonderful knowledge with me & fixes my sewing machine, Monday mornings, love, care, concern, even anger all my emotions because I know I am alive. I am thankful for falling apart & having the friends and family who love me & support me & were ready to stand by when I was ready to stop falling apart. I am thankful for God, that he continually meets me where I am, in the midst of my crazy & wraps his arms around me. I am thankful for meds & living with & without anxiety. I am thankful for the moments that it was so severe that the only thing left to do was drop down to my knees calling out to God because it brought me so much closer to him. I am thankful for the beautiful day I recently spent alone with Eric at a seafood festival & the freedom I felt. For journal art and the freedom it gives me to express myself. And I am so grateful for the day of nothing that I experienced just last week. It showed the amazing peace I am able to feel when I allow God to take over. Today I am thankful for being able to accept that it's okay, somethings are just more important than beautiful hair & picture perfect family pictures, my boys (big & small) playing football outside, for a holiday without stress or yelling. That's perfect even though we are so imperfect & so broken. All through Christ do we become who we are meant to be & for that their is eternal thanks.
I think it's clear this list could go on for a long while, I recorded over 300 gifts this year, nothing close to what I would like to do next year. But I've learned that it's okay because next year I will do more & it's okay to take baby steps...
I hope you all have a blessed & beautiful Thanksgiving!
