The woman I want to be....

instead of the woman that I am is a very pressing issue in my life right now.  It seems so odd to me that at 32 years old I am still struggling with who I am.  I always thought that by now I would know who I was & would have made a strong statement about myself.  Instead I find that at 32 I know who I want to be, I just struggle to get there.  In my early 20's when I got married & had Logan I thought I knew who I wanted to be.  I knew that I was strong & independent.  I actually did make a pretty loud statement in my house about the woman that I was and intended to be.  I'm actually really embarrassed by that woman & by the fact that I thought it was acceptable.  I know more than once I stepped way out of line & hurt my husband to prove to him that I didn't really need him.  I seldom acknowledged that I loved him dearly & that I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  Looking back now, I don't understand how he stuck around.  I was a stay at home mom who didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't grocery shop, didn't pay bills, didn't wash clothes or dishes and once my husband got home from work I didn't take care of the baby either.  WOW...that's so embarrassing.  By the time Kolby came along I might have started doing some of this stuff, but not much & not all the time.  Besides that I was always stepping on my husbands toes & making sure he knew just where he was on my list...sadly it was not super high where he belonged.  I was probably one of the worst wives ever.  I wish I could say that our marriage didn't suffer, but that would be a lie.  I mean honestly who wants to be treated that way & live that life?   Life got rocky for me after my grandmother passed away & I saw this side to my loving husband that was so new and amazing to me.  The year kept getting rockier for us as my oldest son started to have some real issues at school & at home.  My mom was sick that summer & by the end of the year I was going through some major medical  test not sure what the outcome would be.  My husband was amazing & was so supportive.  I realized I had this amazing new found love for  him & I really wanted to be a better wife.  I wanted to be the wife that he deserved.  I started doing more things around the house & trying to be nicer to him.  Overall it was a good attempt at being better, but I wasn't getting to where I wanted to be.  I don't think that I even realized who I wanted to be because I felt like I would have to give up who I was to get there.

 After a long journey that God has taken me on I have figured out that I want to be that Proverbs 31 Woman.  I want to be her, I need to be her.  I recently started reading a book called The Proverbs 31 Woman: One Virtue At A Time by Courtney Joseph.  I have always enjoyed reading Courtney's blog Women Living Well & it has really helped me realize the woman & wife that I want to be.  Between her blog & now this book my eyes have been opened & I finally feel like I have an end to work towards in this journey of the woman I want to be.

 Today the reading was about the trust that a husband has for his wife.  In Proverbs 31:11 it says The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain (ESV)   In the book Courtney says " A husband who has a wife who is solid emotionally and spiritually can rest on his wife's steady support."  She goes on to ask if your husband can trust you in these areas:

1. Money - Can he depend on you to spend it wisely?
2. Children - Can he trust you to train your children wisely?
3. Home - Can he trust you to run an orderly home?
4. Reputation - Can he trust you to not speak poorly of him behind his back?
5. Faithfulness - Can your husband trust you to not build emotional connections with other men?
6. Emotions - Can your husband trust you to be self - controlled when under pressure?
7. Choices - Can your husband trust you to make wise choices when urgent situations arise?

I had to really sit & think about these questions.  When we answer them for others we can say & possibly believe whatever we want.  But when it's just you & God having the discussion there's no purpose in being anything other than truthful.  I mean he already knows the truth...there's really no lying to God.   So while some of these are very simple to answer, Yes my husband can trust me 100%  there are others that I know need work.  I know that I need to change & work harder on being more trustworthy.  And while some of the things I need to work on I already pray about daily, some of the others I need to work on hadn't even crossed my mind.  I think we all get stuck in this journey & if we aren't walking with the Lord & following his word then we get stuck until we ask for his help.  I know I spent a lot of time this morning letting my guard down & asking for help.  I desperately want to be this woman, I want to be this wife. I want to know that my husband has full trust for me in his heart & knows that he can rest on my solid support.  And I cried out to the Lord to help me accomplish this.  The good news is that I felt so much better & I know that God can change me & God can change my heart.  He loves the impossible & he loves me.  I am so ready for this journey & I am so ready for this transformation, regardless of how hard or painful it may be.  And the even better news is that I know this journey I'm walking, I'm never walking it alone.   How awesome is that?

I hope you have a Wonderful Wednesday & if you want to check out the blog that inspires me daily go ahead and click the link below.